Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The Best Christmas Present Ever

Hello eveyone! I hope you all had a wonderful New Years celebration. I had a very interesting new years and I thought I'd share. I've been meaning to blog about my experiences working with a domestic violence shelter as well, and since I spent new years at the shelter I'll be able to kill two birds with one stone.

So, I've been volunteering with a domestic violence shelter since the beginning of 2006 doing child care. When Jay left on deployment I found myself very sad on the weekends and started looking for something to keep me busy. Well, come to find out the shelter was looking for Resident Care Managers (aka dorm mothers) :-) to work on the weekends. So about the first of November I started working Saturday and Sunday mornings 7:30am to 4:00pm.

I'll be truthful. It took me a few weeks to adjust to working 7 days a week. But now I'm totally in the groove and experience very few problems with the schedule. Sometimes I get tired but I try my hardest not to complain since it is my choice to work this much and I know that having all that time to think about how much I miss Jay would be way harder! This weekend was especially wonderful. Some of the full time staff wanted some time off and were granted that time off before replacements were found to cover their shifts. So, I picked up two extra shifts over the three day weekend and worked both the morning of New Years Eve as well as the overnight.

I love my job! Saturday afternoon I had been watching one of my kids so his mom could get some rest. He is just facinated with my phone and could open and close it for hours. (note: if I have your cell number and you get a strange call on the weekend and no ones there but you hear me saying, "no honey lets not call anyone!" now you'll know what's going on.) ;-) He loves the way it lights up when he opens it. So at one point I reached up to grab my phone and it was all sticky and covered in that syrup that canned peaches come in. I knew exactly what had happened since it was also in my hair on all over me. The funniest part is... it couldn't have made me more happy. I love these kids! I love these women! I feel so privlidged to be a part of their lives. And going home at night knowing I've played a small role in their recovery is nothing short of addictive! I've been friends with people throughout my lifetime that were survivors of domestive violence. I think of them each and every day that I'm there. I try to be the person I would have wanted them to have in their life. Someone who would do everything they can to help this woman and her family. Someone who will help them see their potention, who will hold up a mirror for them on their blackest days and say, "but look how much you've accomplished! Look at the life you are creating for youself and your children!" Which brings me to New Years.

At first I was thinking that there would be a big "ball dropping watching party" in the TV room, but most of the kids are fairly young and had already knocked out when I got there at 11pm (how I was even awake at that time of night was a miracle due only to a heavy dose of caffee). The mom's were still awake but I hadn't realized that watching the ball drop in NYC on a three hour tape delay is kind of...well...not as exciting as watching it live. So, no one was really up for that. By 11:45pm I was in the RCM office with the door closed because I didn't think anything was going on. Being the life of the party that I am, I had an old Sex in the City re-run on while I was tallying some stat sheets. I actually didn't even notice when the year rolled over until someone knocked on the door. It was one of my ladies and she was simply there to wish me a happy new year.

I almost cried! I got up from my chair and we hugged. At which point I realized that almost all of the women were standing outside the door. We all hugged and wished each other a happy new year. I told them that I hoped that this would be the best year yet! And they all agreed they were glad to see 2006 go! I had most definitely not expected to feel this way, but at that moment (with my guy being on deployment) there was nowhere else I'd have rather been.

And at that moment I realized how glad I was to see 2006 go. 2007 will absolutely turn out to be the best year yet, but it's only due to the fact that 2006 was the hardest of my life. It was so nice to have what almost felt like closure. The bad times in my life are over. The years of having jobs I hated, not enough money to survive and an unfulfilling, unsupportive relationship are OVER! I know have a career passion in life and the determination to see it come to be... I'm at a place where I can make enough money to live on, as well as learned how to live within my means (more or less) :-)... I have learned enough about myself to have identified who my soulmate is... and I truly believe that together we can make this relationship work.

My new years wish for each of you is to have the wisdom and vision to know what you need to do in order to be truly happy, and the strength and courage to then make it happen.

2007...I'm so glad you're here! Cheers, to the best year yet!


Thursday, November 9, 2006

Myspace Part I: Old Friends

Myspace has also given me the opportunity to connect with people I would have most likely never met. Going through this deployment has been one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced. I don't think I would be surviving if it weren't for the many military women that I've come in contact with. I SO appreciate the support and encouragement of my civilian friends, you guys have been wonderful! But no one understands the life of a military girl like another military girl.

The thing that I have loved most about the military women groups I've been a part of (other than the support and encouragement), has been the opportunity to see the diversity of the women who have chosen this life. We all share a deep love for our men, and a strong desire to support the commitment they have made. Other than that, we are so different. I thought I would be the only liberal in the group. I've found that that is not true. Some of us are conservative, some liberal. Some are republican, some are democrats. Some are mothers, some are not. Some work outside the home, some don't. Some have been through many years and many deployments, some are new to the game. Each one has a unique perspective and something to offer the group whether it be the enthusiasm of the new comers or the wisdom of the more seasoned women. But above all, I've learned that military women are family. Regardless of where you are stationed or how long you've been in the game, these women are ready to open their arms, their ears and their homes at a moments notice.

On our own we are incredibly strong. But together we are invincible. GO NAVY!!!!

Myspace Part II: New Friends

Myspace has also given me the opportunity to connect with people I would have most likely never met. Going through this deployment has been one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced. I don't think I would be surviving if it weren't for the many military women that I've come in contact with. I SO appreciate the support and encouragement of my civilian friends, you guys have been wonderful! But no one understands the life of a military girl like another military girl.

The thing that I have loved most about the military women groups I've been a part of (other than the support and encouragement), has been the opportunity to see the diversity of the women who have chosen this life. We all share a deep love for our men, and a strong desire to support the commitment they have made. Other than that, we are so different. I thought I would be the only liberal in the group. I've found that that is not true. Some of us are conservative, some liberal. Some are republican, some are democrats. Some are mothers, some are not. Some work outside the home, some don't. Some have been through many years and many deployments, some are new to the game. Each one has a unique perspective and something to offer the group whether it be the enthusiasm of the new comers or the wisdom of the more seasoned women. But above all, I've learned that military women are family. Regardless of where you are stationed or how long you've been in the game, these women are ready to open their arms, their ears and their homes at a moments notice.

On our own we are incredibly strong. But together we are invincible. GO NAVY!!!!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Two Days Without Email

This is going to be two downer blogs in a row, so I'm sorry everyone. It's not been all hard. I guess I should have posted a blog last week letting everyone know that I was having a much better day. Just what I expected happened. Since I gave myself permission to be sad and lonely, I was able to move on and the next day was much better. I was back to just appreciating that he's in my life at all. But now...

It's been 2 1/2 days without any email. I got an email Friday afternoon and haven't heard anything since. My day revolves around his emails, so I've been feeling really lost without them. It's like they keep me grounded and focused. I feel like I breath easier once I've gotten it. Just to know that he's ok, and that he's thinking of me and loves me is all I need. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not upset with him in the least. I know him. I know he loves me more than anything else in the world. If there were any way that he could email me he would. So, either they are super, super busy or the internet is down. It's not too unusual for the internet to be down. I've actually been surprised how much it's been up the whole time they've been out. And I know that he's probably on that ship worrying about me worrying about him since he can't get word to me. He knows I worry. :-) But it's still hard. Like I said, I've just gotten so use to hearing from him.

I have to keep in mind how lucky we are to have email. Navy wives have been doing this for years with nothing but snail mail. That reminds me, I have to get a note in the mail to him today. I've been trying to put hand written notes in the mail every 1-3 days. So that when times like this happen and the internet goes down, hopefully, he'll get one of my notes. They are usually just useless jibber jabber but that's the stuff that I miss hearing from him so much. I miss hearing about his day and his guys and the funny or annoying things that happened... really sharing each other's lives.

I just miss him so bad...

My heart just aches sometimes...


Oh my god!!! It just came in. The indicator from my yahoo mail just popped up to let me know an email from him has come in. I feel like I just took a deep breath for the first time all weekend. Thanks for reading, y'all, and for letting me vent. It helps me so much to be able to express all this stuff.

Well, I'm going to go read his email for like the 4th time in about the last 5 minutes! Yeah!!!!



Thursday, October 26, 2006

Down Day...

23 days down.... a whole bunch to go.

Today I'm having a down day. It started out pretty good. But during lunch I spent almost the whole hour writing Jay a note. I do this every couple of days, and they are usually just junk. Little things that made me think of him. Some wierd story from work or one of the myspace groups I'm in. But today, I found myself writing for almost an hour about how much I loved him, all the things I missed about being with him, and all the things I was looking forward to when he got back.

Well... I just haven't quite been the same since. I do better when I don't think about it. Because when I'm honest I have to admit that I miss him so bad I physically ache sometimes. (Note the song on my page. I love it so much because that's exactly how I feel.) It's like a part of me is missing. My arms feel so empty when I'm not there to hold him. I crave the place of complete relaxation that can only be found in his arms. The place where nothing can hurt me, and I don't have to worry about anything.

Anyway... So, I've been doing my best this afternoon to remember that military deployments are not supposed to be easy. I knew these days would come, and to just hold on because tomorrow will be better. I'm trying to validate my feelings of saddness, and really let them wash over, because I know the harder I fight them the stronger they will become. If I will just allow myself to feel the emotions, then maybe I can move on.

I know this won't last forever. Almost a whole month has passed. But right now I have to be very honest and say, "This really sucks!"

Sorry for the negativity. Thanks for listening to me.


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Mine and Jay's Fairytale Love Story

I was writing this to post on a group site, and I realized that it is the first time I've really written it down like this. Of course this is the "nutshell" version, but it hit me how much of a fairy tale it sounds like. For the first time in my life, I have to admit that I LOVE MY LIFE!

Jay and I met almost 10 years ago. He was going to a really big church in our hometown. They did a christmas play and brought in ballet dancers from one of the major schools in town. Enter me. We feel in love the moment we met, but he had a girlfriend and thought he didn't have a chance in hell with me (wrong!). A year later I participated in the same christmas pagent and he decided to dump his girlfriend. We were together for a few months and then I moved a couple of states away to dance professionally where my feelings for him kind of fizzled (maybe it was the distance, maybe it was my age). For many years he was that proverbial guy who I would complain to about all the losers I was dating. Well, he never gave up on me. Not even when I got married a few years later. We lost touch until about a year ago, which was about the same time I was hit with the mack truck of a realization that my unhappy marriage was never going to get any better, and I was just making my life and my then-husband's life misserable by trying to stick it out. On top of that I was getting this sinking feeling in my stomach that I had made a terrible mistake with Jay. I didn't tell him anything about my feelings until I had made the decision to leave because I didn't want my leaving to be contengent on him wanting to be with me. Well, come to find out he was still head over heels in love with me too. I was "the one that got away", and in August (after 5 1/5 years of being apart) I flew home while he was on leave and we spent the most amazing weekend together. Now we've been together for about 6 months and will be getting married next October. I don't know how I lived without him all those years, and I can't imagine how I could possibly live without him now. He's the most romantic, honorable, caring man I've ever met. And no offense to all you girls :-) but I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Happiest Yet Hardest Time of My Life

Well, it's been a while since I last blogged. So, many things have happened in the last few months. I still can't even believe how different my life is right now than it was a year ago. This time last year, I was just beginning to realize that the unhappy marriage I was in was never going to get any better. But at that point I was feeling horribly trapped, not wanting to admit that it wasn't going to work because then I would have had to do something about it.

Now I would have to consider this to be the happiest, yet most difficult time of my life. So, for those that I haven't kept in the loop very well, I'm absolutely head over heels in love with my soulmate. I thought I'd been in love before, but I see now that I had no idea what love was. You can love someone with all your heart and not be able to love them in the way they need to be loved. The feeling of being in a relationship where the way you naturally express love to the other person is exaclty the way that person feels most loved... it is like nothing I've ever experienced. I've seen Jeremy twice in the last few months. Once just for us, we hardly saw anyone the whole time we were in Charlotte, and then another quick weekend when I came into town for a friends wedding. Both times were litterally the most amazing of my life. I was really worried about this first weekend because it had been planned for 9 weeks or so, and I was afraid I'd had too long to build up the exprience into something it could never live up to, but I was wrong. It lived up to everything I'd ever hoped it would be. I felt like I was the absolute highest priority in his life. If friends called to invite us to dinner, I was given the option of saying yes or no. If I had said that I wanted him all to myself, that would have been it. I've never felt so love, so adored, so appreciated, so beautiful as he makes me feel. All my friends can tell when I've gotten a phone call or a long email because I glow. I know part of that is just being apart, but I've known this guy for 10 years and he's been the most consistent person I've ever met. We've both changed and matured a lot in the last 6 years or so, but at the core we are the same people. I like to feel that I'm just a more true version of myself now than I was then. And he's still the same romantic, affectionate, giving, caring man I knew all those years ago. Because of everything we've been through in the last few years, we are both so appreciative to be together. I've never been with someone who could make me melt in a puddle. Not only can he do that, but he can make me melt from the other side of the world.

That brings me to the hardest part of my life part. Jay left 2 weeks ago for a 7 month deployment with the Navy. I won't see him again until May. Being without him is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I don't know how career military wives do this. At least I know that when he comes home in the spring, I'll be out in Virginia and we'll move in together and he won't be going out again except for maybe a few days here and a few days there until he gets out of the Navy in Jan. of 08. I'm on a couple of myspace groups for Navy wives/girlfiends/fiances and a lot of the women have been saying that it gets easier after the first few months. I couldn't imagine that last week. I felt like my heart was litterally breaking, but this week has been much better. I feel like last time I opened my eyes it was Sunday and now it's Wednesday night. Next thing I know it'll be the weekend again, and then the next weekend, and the next, and then I'll be standing on that pier watching him walk off that ship knowing our life is about to start. I try to imagine that moment, but I know I can't even phathom the overwhelming emotion I'll be feeling. Depending on when he gets in, it'll be right at a year from the time I decided I wanted to be with him. I remember hearing someone speak one time on relationships and they said that you shouldn't look to marry the person you think you can live with, you should look for the person you can't live without. Well, I now fully understand what he was saying. I am sure that I could not live without Jeremy. In fact I'm really not sure how I lived without him for the last 6 years, other than that explains why the last 6 years have been so unhappy for me. Right now, I'm getting about an email a day, and then I got a 15 minute phone call this past Sunday. Hearing his voice again after two weeks was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced. When I got off the phone with him, I felt like I had breathed for the first time in years. I just kept saying that I loved him and I missed him. Those two things seemed to be the most important things to say since I didn't know when I would get to talk with him again. I see now what the other navy wives were saying. After a while you go from resenting that you're not getting the same communication as you were before they left to savoring every email and every phone call. I'm doing everything I can to stay busy. I'm putting together care packages and sending hand written notes. I'm putting together a christmas gift that's taking a lot of coordination and preparation. I'm looking into apartments and jobs in Virginia, and planning my cross country road trip with my mom. Anything to keep me busy and keep the time passing.

The thing is though... as hard as it is right now, being with him is worth every single moment, and every tear I've cried over the last couple of weeks and any more I'll cry before he comes home is worth it too.

Talk with y'all later!


Friday, September 22, 2006

So, I've Come to Terms with the Fact That I'm OCD...

So, over the last few days, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm definitely OCD! I'd always wondered, but now I'm sure. So, what prompted this realization?

Well, I'm flying back to Charlotte to see a very old, very dear friend tomorrw night. It's been planned for a couple of months and the closer I get, the more excited (read: slightly anxious) I get. I haven't seen him in 5 1/5 years and he's the most important relationship in my life right now. So, I started a parking list. "That's not so crazy...." you say. But I sarted the packing list 4 weeks ago. "Yea, that's crazy!" And it gets worse. I've had all my shopping trips planned out for months according to my pay day schedule, so that I would have the money to purchase the things I felt I needed.

Then this weekend, I was faced with unavoidable evidence. I looked around my apartment and found it covered in sticky notes. With the new "no liquids" carry-on regulations, I've thought through EVERYTHING I'm taking. (This really put a wrinkle in my plans since I'm taking a red eye out of LAX and arriving in Charlotte at 8am EST. I was planning on wearing my PJ's from LAX to Atlanta and then taking my two hour lay over to make my transformation into beautiful, but now... no perfume, no toothpaste, no liquid lipstick...) I've made conscious decisions as to which bag everything should be placed in. I even bought a back up thing of mascara in case they take the one I have in my carry-on bag. And you know you can never pack everything until that last minute when you've brushed your teeth for the last time...etc. So, I've placed sticky notes on all my luggage reminding me of what still needs to be placed in each bag. Then I have a sticky note on my door reminding me to turn off my alarm clock (so that my neighbors don't absolutely hate me by the time I return) and to grab my dress (which I'm carrying on the plane because it'll get all wrinkled if I put it in any of my bags.)

I've even thought through my transportation situation, and not just in the way that a normal person would. My hair cut appointment (that I desperately needed) was canceled for this past weekend. So, I had to reschedule for my lunch break on Wednesday (cutting it close, I know!). Well, I'll need to drive. So I realized that if I park at my building (about 11 blocks from my house) when I come in from volunteering at the battered women's shelter on Monday night then I'll can just walk back and forth to work like I normally do on Tuesday and then my car will be at my building when I need to leave at lunch time on Wednesday. Then since it'll be the middle of the day, I'll be able to get a parking place close to my house (which is only possible in the freaking middle of the day when everyone is at work). Then I'll walk back to my building. Then when work is over I'll be able to walk back to the house, take a shower, pack the last few things and then drive my car over to my building which has a metro stop at the bottom. That way I won't have to lug my luggage 11 blocks tot he metro station. Then I'll ride the metro and the shuttle to the airport and be on my way.

Wow!!! I really, really, really think too much!!!!!! And the even worse part is... I'm on an anti-anxiety medication!!!! Can you even imagine what I would be like if I weren't taking it?!?!!? I don't even want to think about it. Actually, I think the only reason why I'm able to channel the energy into something even remotely productive (excessive planning being considered remotely productive) is because the medication takes the edge off the anxiety. I know I should be exstatic, but I'm not at the moment. I know I will as soon as I get on the plane, and of course as soon as I see him all the anxiety will just melt away, but for right now, It's killing me. I've been counting down for a long time. When we made the plans we were at 9 weeks. Every wednesday was exciting because it meant I was one week closer to seeing him. Then I started counting days, and now I'm at hours. 9 weeks is too long to be thinking about something. I think I've just had too much time to think about stuff.

So, right now I'm at 33 1/2 hours and counting. I really need that pedicure this evening!! And a glass of wine!!!! Will I be able to get at glass of wine in the Atlanta airport at 5:00am EST? :-)


Sunday, September 10, 2006

Grocery Shopping Can Be So Fun

I had the strangest experience at the grocery store last night. I know you all are thinking, "Well, we thought she was crazy, but now we know for sure!" But hear me out!

I'm a very detail orriented person. I love lists and thinking and planning ahead. I love organization. (I guess I'm in the right profession!) So last night after working late, I realized on my walk home that I had no food in the house. I got paid on Monday and had been meaning to stop by the grocery store for days, but something had come up every night. So, last night after I got home, I grabbed my urbanite-granny-rolly-basket and walked to my local ghetto Vons. I call it that because it's really small and doesn't have a great sellection. But I love being able to walk back and forth, especially since it was after 8pm and there's no way in hell I'd have found a parking place if I'd driven anywhere (yea, I live a block from the beach and I walk to work, and it was like 80 degrees today, but it's not perfect out here. I'm sure you all feel better now.) :-)

But before I left, I pulled out a piece of paper and went through my cabinets. I knew all last week I'd go to make something and realize that I had 1 of the 2 things I needed. So, I took inventory. For instance, I had pasta but no sauce, cheese for grilled cheese but no bread... etc. So, I made a list, strapped my iPod to my arm and headed out. (Don't tell my dad or my supervisor, Janiel, that I was walking around downtown Long Beach at almost 9pm!)

I had a wonderful time. I picked out what I needed. I could choose anything I wanted. I knew exactly how much I had to spend so that I would still have money for other things. I could think through the whole week and a half until I get paid again and figure out what I could get that would be the most economical and efficient yet allow me to not feel deprived! (For instance I get these frozen dinners that don't have a single naturally occuring ingrediant in them. I think they grow them right in the boxes in the lab. But they are cheep and they don't completely suck. But I've learned that if I get a couple of different kinds and keep at least three or so in the freezer at work, I have a choice and I'm not tempted to run downstairs and spend WAY too much on an over priced sandwhich.)

So, then I wheeled them all home in my basket and drug it up three flights of stairs by myself. And put it all away while I jamed to my music (how did I live before I had an iPod?!) and it was great.

Now I know what you are all thinking now. "Wow, yea, this girl's totally nuts. That's sounds like so much work, she did it all by herself, and she's excited about it." But you just don't understand. I've always done this kind of thing myself. My ex would never contribute any effort to these types of household responsability. And if he did, he wanted me to go with him and he wanted to ask me a thousand questions. So, basically I did it even when he did it. Then he would try to get out of carrying up the groceries if at all possible, then as soon as the bags where in the kitchen floor he would walk away and start working on the computer. If I didn't put them away they would stay there for weeks or until whatever it was was needed.

So, even though I did a lot of this kind of stuff, the fact that I felt so taken advantage of ruined the whole experience. It feel so good to be in total control. To not feel resentful and really be able to enjoy living. I had been feeling that I had all the sucky parts of being married but yet all the sucky parts of being single. I had to pull the entire weight of taking care of a household as if I were single, but with the restrictions of being married as well. It feels so good to be on my own. I never thought I would feel like this, but it's amazing.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to be single my entire life. In fact I'll probably only be living by myself for the next 9 months or so, but now I know what is important to me. I know what tasks I enjoy doing, and how important it is to me to find someone who is willing to share the day to day tasks involved with living.

But as for right now...I'm enjoying going to the grocery store by myself. :-)

Bye y'all,


Monday, July 24, 2006

I'll admit it, I'm officially a myspace addict!

So, I'll admit it... I'm now officially a myspace addict. I didn't know what to do with myself for the last couple of days while the myspace network was up and down. I guess it helps me feel connected to the outside world now that I'm on my own.

Not to mention it was FREAKING hot here this weekend. I saw something about 97, which for my area is unbelievably hot. And the humidity was up too. Now I know all you North Carolinians are calling us Southern Californians wusses since that's what you guys deal with from about the first of May until the end of September, but you all have A/C. "What," you ask, "Y'all don't have air conditioning?" Nope we sure don't. Usually we don't need it. It's usually somewhere around the low to mid 70's with a light breeze especiallysince I live a block from the beach, I have to get that in as oftin as I can ;-). If it gets up into the 80's eveyone starts bitching. I have a ceiling fan and was planning on getting a window fan too. Thursday I decided I'd held off long enough and since I was getting paid on Friday I could swing it. Well, aparently I wasn't the only one with this bright idea. I had to go to Lowes, Target and finally Walmart (yuck!) before I even found a fan I could put in my window (it's not even one of the cool window fans). It made a world of difference, but Sunday especially there was only so much it could do. So what did I do? Just what every other red blooded american woman would have done... called it an excelent excuse to go to the mall!!!!!!! Now, I'll give all you guys fair warning: I'm going to be a total girl for the next little bit. Feel free to tune out or stop reading. ;-)

So, Ihave plansto meet a very old friend in about 4 weeks. And I need to look stunning when I get off that plane!! (Thisis thelove-of-my-life-guy from the last blog post!)So, I had planned to go shopping for some new things for my trip with a girlfriend of mine about the middle of August. Well, I started getting nervous about finding something because by then the stores are going to start putting out all their winter stuff and I want a pretty summery sun dress. Not to mention, if you go looking for something in particular, you can never find it and by then it'll be too late and I'll end up buying something I don't really like and I REALLY need to feel confident. (Yes! I'm aware of the fact that I worry too much. You don't have to draw it to my attention).So, I decided I'd go looking around knowing I had X amount of dollars to spend for my trip. I expected to find absolutely nothing, cause that's always my luck. But low and behold, I found the PERFECT dress. (I've attached a pic from my phone. What did we do before we had camera phones?) It makes me feel so pretty and I can't wait to wear it. And it was even less than I was expecting to spend since I got it at one of those Forever-21-type stores, which was also cool because that just shows how much weight I've lost in the past few months (I'd been told this divorce diet works wonders!).

So, anyway, I guess that's the highlights of my weekend! Oh and Charter came to hook up my internet on Saturday, so I'm all up and running. If you haven't seen me on AIM in the evenings for the last few weeks that's why.Idid go to atotally cool burlesque show on Friday at theQueen Mary with the girls. I'll have to blog about that too soon.

Talk to y'all later!!!


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Just when I thought the universe hated me for sure...

For many years, I've been convienced that the universe hated me. I was never sure what I did to piss it off, but it must have been bad. I figured if Karma was real, I was sure I must havekilled someone really important in my last lifetime.

It just seemed like no matter what I did, nothing ever seemed to work very well. My family was tough to grow up in (not as tough as some, though, and I'm very thankful for that). But because my parents were so controling it took me a really long time to learn how to make decisions on my own let alone good ones. I danced with a Christian dance company in FL for a couple of years all together. That was tough, and the dependency based brand of Christianity taught coupled with the stresses ofworking witha semi-professinal dance troup lead to two MAJOR life crisises for me. One of which lead to my current state of agnostisism. (I know I just made that word up! But oh well.)

The second time I came home from FL, I did not have a choice. I was forced to come home because of "aweful" decisions I was making (this aweful stuff involved a few drinks and hanging out with people my parents didn't know and I realize now were actually pretty good decision for the place I was at in my life). I was 20 1/2 years old and my dad's exact words were, "You can either pack upyour car and drive yourself home of your own free will, or I'll come down there and drag you ass homekicking and screaming." I chose the first option. But I was so adrift. My parents got me into see a couselor once I got home but, due to my insane need for approval (hense the driving back of my own free will and not telling my dad to stick it), I didn't really tell her anything real about me. I just told her what I thought she wanted to hear and what would make her like me (since she was a Christian couselor it was a lot of religious stuff).

A few months later I transfered to the Univ. of North Carolina at Charlotte and moved into the on campus apartments. My parents would still call me and expect to get an answer. If they didn't hear from me over night they would freak. That was the point that I finally started making decisions on my own. Unfortunately, there were a lot of bad ones, including totally screwing over awonderful friend who loved me very much. (approximately aweful decision number 57, if anyone is counting and one I'll get back around to this in a little bit).Very soon after the semester started I ran into an old acquaintance. He was going through a divorce (at 21) and I was going through hell. We fell right in together and I made him think I was the perfect woman for him (this was approximately bad decision number 457 if anyone is counting). The problem was I was the oposite of what he really needed and the more I became the person I really was, the more we didn't fit. But unfortunately, we plugged along, getting married a year and a half after we got together.

We moved in with his grandmother and then his momin Asheville right after I graduated (so we could try and get on our feet on the ground financially). (We're probably upto about 1,857 by now.) That was a hugedisaster and litterly the WORST decision of my life. We all ended up hating each other before he and I finally got an apartment.But, we plugged along in Asheville, with jobs that didn't work, in a relationship that didn't work for a year and a half. Then we moved to California.

And in the grand scheme of things, that was probably one of the first REALLY good decisions I ever made. (At 25 it was about time). Moving out here allowed me to become the person I was meant to be, with out worrying about his family or my family or anyone else. The only problem was, the more I became comfortable with who I am, the more obvious it became that we didn't work. We plugged along for about 6 more months or so, until I finally said enough. At which pointI made whatI feel to be the second REALLY good decision I ever made...I decided to move out on my own.

So, know that I've looked at things again, I've realized that my difficulties in lifehad siginificantly less to do with the universe hating me than with me making bad decisions. Not to mention, I've begun to think in the last few months that infact the universe does like me. Because it has crossed my path with the path of my soul mate. And the fact that we only crossed now (at 26years old)isn't the fault of the universe but of my own. Remember the aweful decision number 57. That was him, an absolutely wonderful friend (the best anyone could have ever asked for) who came into my life at 17 years old, but due to my inability to know who I was and what I wanted/needed, I passed him over, and unfortunately for him I didn't do it in a very compassionate way. (Sometimes, I'm not sure the universe likes himall thatmuch!) He has been the most amazing thing to ever happen to me in my entire life. I've never felt so loved, so beautiful, so cared for, and so empowered in my life. He is absolutely amazing. I've never met someone who cares so much for other people and wants to do everything he can to help the people in his life.

I truly feel that the decision to be with him and to try to take care of him as much as he takes care of otherswill end up being the absolute BEST decision I've ever made in my life.

Thanks all for reading my blog. This one ended up being a LOT longer than I expected. Oh well, I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought.

Have a great night everyone,


p.s. the only small kink in this fairy tale of astory is that after I broke his heart, he joined the Navy and is stationed in Norfolk, VA (3,000 miles away from me) until January of '08. Maybe I did kill someone really important in my last lifetime after all. :-)

Sunday, January 1, 2006

I Got My Tattoo

Some of you know this already, but for the benefit of those who don't, I've been wanting to get a tattoo for about a year now. I never wanted one when I was younger because, well... a) I have a HUGE needle phobia and b) I didn't just want a star on my anckle or a butterfly on my hip. Like most of my jewlery and everything in my house I like things that are meaningful to me. So about this time last year I realized that there is one image that I've been gravitating towards for a while. It's of the spiral goddess. She has large hips and a spiral over her womb. It symbolizes new beginnings as well as the life force coming from the womb of the women. It's found in Neolithic and Paleolithic societies and in societies where this or similar images are found, there tends to be evadence of more gender equality. It's only when the dieties become male that gender inequality begins to be seen.

So, now that you have a little background on the symbol. I wanted to get it last year before I went to my (now ex) sister-in-law's wedding. Mainly the motivation would have been to piss off my in-laws. You know the black sheep daughter in law coming to the big christian social event of the century with a huge pagan symbol tattooed on her back. Well, due to a few circumstances I wasn't able to get it then, and I'm so glad I didn't. That was a very bad time in my life and the last thing I would have wanted to do was memorialize it. I've been thinking about it ever since though.

So a few weeks ago, I looked around and realized that THIS is the perfect time to get it. I actually have a wedding to go to back in Charlotte the same weekend as the dissasteress in law wedding last year. I decided I wanted to get my tattoo in time for it so that my parents would have a chance to see it while I was home (and I needed a deadline or I would just put it off and put it off). Then the more I thought about it the more revelations I started getting.

First of all, this is the most important "New Beginning" of my life. I've ended an unhealthy marriage, moved out on my own, reunited with my soulmate, lost 30 lbs, and am truly happy for the first time in my life.

Second, I've truly come to realize that the life force of the universe flows though me, and that I am a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Even though I love Jeremy more than anything in the world, I've realized that I can take care of myself. I don't NEED anyone to take care of me. I really feel that this will make me an even better partner to him.

It is unbelievable how different my life is now than it was this time last year. I probably wouldn't have believed you if you had told me this would all happen in the next year. But I am so grateful. It's not been easy, though. Just like getting my tattoo. It's been very hard, very scary and painful at times. But through all the pain, discomfort and fear I feel I've emerged with something more beautiful, more graceful, more grateful and more compassionate than I could have ever imagined... a beautiful tattoo as well as a beautiful life.

So, memorializing this time in my life with a tattoo just seemed obvious. These photos were taken during and right afterwards with my camera phone. I'm hoping to take a few more shots tonight or this weekend, and I'll post some here. The guy who tattooed me was amazing. I HIGHLY recommend him. He's very compassionate and has a wonderfully light touch. His myspace site is...

Everyone told me that I would become addicted. I always thought, "Not me..." but I think I may have been wrong. Now I'm trying to figure out what I want to add onto it.