Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Just when I thought the universe hated me for sure...

For many years, I've been convienced that the universe hated me. I was never sure what I did to piss it off, but it must have been bad. I figured if Karma was real, I was sure I must havekilled someone really important in my last lifetime.

It just seemed like no matter what I did, nothing ever seemed to work very well. My family was tough to grow up in (not as tough as some, though, and I'm very thankful for that). But because my parents were so controling it took me a really long time to learn how to make decisions on my own let alone good ones. I danced with a Christian dance company in FL for a couple of years all together. That was tough, and the dependency based brand of Christianity taught coupled with the stresses ofworking witha semi-professinal dance troup lead to two MAJOR life crisises for me. One of which lead to my current state of agnostisism. (I know I just made that word up! But oh well.)

The second time I came home from FL, I did not have a choice. I was forced to come home because of "aweful" decisions I was making (this aweful stuff involved a few drinks and hanging out with people my parents didn't know and I realize now were actually pretty good decision for the place I was at in my life). I was 20 1/2 years old and my dad's exact words were, "You can either pack upyour car and drive yourself home of your own free will, or I'll come down there and drag you ass homekicking and screaming." I chose the first option. But I was so adrift. My parents got me into see a couselor once I got home but, due to my insane need for approval (hense the driving back of my own free will and not telling my dad to stick it), I didn't really tell her anything real about me. I just told her what I thought she wanted to hear and what would make her like me (since she was a Christian couselor it was a lot of religious stuff).

A few months later I transfered to the Univ. of North Carolina at Charlotte and moved into the on campus apartments. My parents would still call me and expect to get an answer. If they didn't hear from me over night they would freak. That was the point that I finally started making decisions on my own. Unfortunately, there were a lot of bad ones, including totally screwing over awonderful friend who loved me very much. (approximately aweful decision number 57, if anyone is counting and one I'll get back around to this in a little bit).Very soon after the semester started I ran into an old acquaintance. He was going through a divorce (at 21) and I was going through hell. We fell right in together and I made him think I was the perfect woman for him (this was approximately bad decision number 457 if anyone is counting). The problem was I was the oposite of what he really needed and the more I became the person I really was, the more we didn't fit. But unfortunately, we plugged along, getting married a year and a half after we got together.

We moved in with his grandmother and then his momin Asheville right after I graduated (so we could try and get on our feet on the ground financially). (We're probably upto about 1,857 by now.) That was a hugedisaster and litterly the WORST decision of my life. We all ended up hating each other before he and I finally got an apartment.But, we plugged along in Asheville, with jobs that didn't work, in a relationship that didn't work for a year and a half. Then we moved to California.

And in the grand scheme of things, that was probably one of the first REALLY good decisions I ever made. (At 25 it was about time). Moving out here allowed me to become the person I was meant to be, with out worrying about his family or my family or anyone else. The only problem was, the more I became comfortable with who I am, the more obvious it became that we didn't work. We plugged along for about 6 more months or so, until I finally said enough. At which pointI made whatI feel to be the second REALLY good decision I ever made...I decided to move out on my own.

So, know that I've looked at things again, I've realized that my difficulties in lifehad siginificantly less to do with the universe hating me than with me making bad decisions. Not to mention, I've begun to think in the last few months that infact the universe does like me. Because it has crossed my path with the path of my soul mate. And the fact that we only crossed now (at 26years old)isn't the fault of the universe but of my own. Remember the aweful decision number 57. That was him, an absolutely wonderful friend (the best anyone could have ever asked for) who came into my life at 17 years old, but due to my inability to know who I was and what I wanted/needed, I passed him over, and unfortunately for him I didn't do it in a very compassionate way. (Sometimes, I'm not sure the universe likes himall thatmuch!) He has been the most amazing thing to ever happen to me in my entire life. I've never felt so loved, so beautiful, so cared for, and so empowered in my life. He is absolutely amazing. I've never met someone who cares so much for other people and wants to do everything he can to help the people in his life.

I truly feel that the decision to be with him and to try to take care of him as much as he takes care of otherswill end up being the absolute BEST decision I've ever made in my life.

Thanks all for reading my blog. This one ended up being a LOT longer than I expected. Oh well, I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought.

Have a great night everyone,


p.s. the only small kink in this fairy tale of astory is that after I broke his heart, he joined the Navy and is stationed in Norfolk, VA (3,000 miles away from me) until January of '08. Maybe I did kill someone really important in my last lifetime after all. :-)

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