Monday, October 30, 2006

Two Days Without Email

This is going to be two downer blogs in a row, so I'm sorry everyone. It's not been all hard. I guess I should have posted a blog last week letting everyone know that I was having a much better day. Just what I expected happened. Since I gave myself permission to be sad and lonely, I was able to move on and the next day was much better. I was back to just appreciating that he's in my life at all. But now...

It's been 2 1/2 days without any email. I got an email Friday afternoon and haven't heard anything since. My day revolves around his emails, so I've been feeling really lost without them. It's like they keep me grounded and focused. I feel like I breath easier once I've gotten it. Just to know that he's ok, and that he's thinking of me and loves me is all I need. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not upset with him in the least. I know him. I know he loves me more than anything else in the world. If there were any way that he could email me he would. So, either they are super, super busy or the internet is down. It's not too unusual for the internet to be down. I've actually been surprised how much it's been up the whole time they've been out. And I know that he's probably on that ship worrying about me worrying about him since he can't get word to me. He knows I worry. :-) But it's still hard. Like I said, I've just gotten so use to hearing from him.

I have to keep in mind how lucky we are to have email. Navy wives have been doing this for years with nothing but snail mail. That reminds me, I have to get a note in the mail to him today. I've been trying to put hand written notes in the mail every 1-3 days. So that when times like this happen and the internet goes down, hopefully, he'll get one of my notes. They are usually just useless jibber jabber but that's the stuff that I miss hearing from him so much. I miss hearing about his day and his guys and the funny or annoying things that happened... really sharing each other's lives.

I just miss him so bad...

My heart just aches sometimes...


Oh my god!!! It just came in. The indicator from my yahoo mail just popped up to let me know an email from him has come in. I feel like I just took a deep breath for the first time all weekend. Thanks for reading, y'all, and for letting me vent. It helps me so much to be able to express all this stuff.

Well, I'm going to go read his email for like the 4th time in about the last 5 minutes! Yeah!!!!



Thursday, October 26, 2006

Down Day...

23 days down.... a whole bunch to go.

Today I'm having a down day. It started out pretty good. But during lunch I spent almost the whole hour writing Jay a note. I do this every couple of days, and they are usually just junk. Little things that made me think of him. Some wierd story from work or one of the myspace groups I'm in. But today, I found myself writing for almost an hour about how much I loved him, all the things I missed about being with him, and all the things I was looking forward to when he got back.

Well... I just haven't quite been the same since. I do better when I don't think about it. Because when I'm honest I have to admit that I miss him so bad I physically ache sometimes. (Note the song on my page. I love it so much because that's exactly how I feel.) It's like a part of me is missing. My arms feel so empty when I'm not there to hold him. I crave the place of complete relaxation that can only be found in his arms. The place where nothing can hurt me, and I don't have to worry about anything.

Anyway... So, I've been doing my best this afternoon to remember that military deployments are not supposed to be easy. I knew these days would come, and to just hold on because tomorrow will be better. I'm trying to validate my feelings of saddness, and really let them wash over, because I know the harder I fight them the stronger they will become. If I will just allow myself to feel the emotions, then maybe I can move on.

I know this won't last forever. Almost a whole month has passed. But right now I have to be very honest and say, "This really sucks!"

Sorry for the negativity. Thanks for listening to me.


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Mine and Jay's Fairytale Love Story

I was writing this to post on a group site, and I realized that it is the first time I've really written it down like this. Of course this is the "nutshell" version, but it hit me how much of a fairy tale it sounds like. For the first time in my life, I have to admit that I LOVE MY LIFE!

Jay and I met almost 10 years ago. He was going to a really big church in our hometown. They did a christmas play and brought in ballet dancers from one of the major schools in town. Enter me. We feel in love the moment we met, but he had a girlfriend and thought he didn't have a chance in hell with me (wrong!). A year later I participated in the same christmas pagent and he decided to dump his girlfriend. We were together for a few months and then I moved a couple of states away to dance professionally where my feelings for him kind of fizzled (maybe it was the distance, maybe it was my age). For many years he was that proverbial guy who I would complain to about all the losers I was dating. Well, he never gave up on me. Not even when I got married a few years later. We lost touch until about a year ago, which was about the same time I was hit with the mack truck of a realization that my unhappy marriage was never going to get any better, and I was just making my life and my then-husband's life misserable by trying to stick it out. On top of that I was getting this sinking feeling in my stomach that I had made a terrible mistake with Jay. I didn't tell him anything about my feelings until I had made the decision to leave because I didn't want my leaving to be contengent on him wanting to be with me. Well, come to find out he was still head over heels in love with me too. I was "the one that got away", and in August (after 5 1/5 years of being apart) I flew home while he was on leave and we spent the most amazing weekend together. Now we've been together for about 6 months and will be getting married next October. I don't know how I lived without him all those years, and I can't imagine how I could possibly live without him now. He's the most romantic, honorable, caring man I've ever met. And no offense to all you girls :-) but I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Happiest Yet Hardest Time of My Life

Well, it's been a while since I last blogged. So, many things have happened in the last few months. I still can't even believe how different my life is right now than it was a year ago. This time last year, I was just beginning to realize that the unhappy marriage I was in was never going to get any better. But at that point I was feeling horribly trapped, not wanting to admit that it wasn't going to work because then I would have had to do something about it.

Now I would have to consider this to be the happiest, yet most difficult time of my life. So, for those that I haven't kept in the loop very well, I'm absolutely head over heels in love with my soulmate. I thought I'd been in love before, but I see now that I had no idea what love was. You can love someone with all your heart and not be able to love them in the way they need to be loved. The feeling of being in a relationship where the way you naturally express love to the other person is exaclty the way that person feels most loved... it is like nothing I've ever experienced. I've seen Jeremy twice in the last few months. Once just for us, we hardly saw anyone the whole time we were in Charlotte, and then another quick weekend when I came into town for a friends wedding. Both times were litterally the most amazing of my life. I was really worried about this first weekend because it had been planned for 9 weeks or so, and I was afraid I'd had too long to build up the exprience into something it could never live up to, but I was wrong. It lived up to everything I'd ever hoped it would be. I felt like I was the absolute highest priority in his life. If friends called to invite us to dinner, I was given the option of saying yes or no. If I had said that I wanted him all to myself, that would have been it. I've never felt so love, so adored, so appreciated, so beautiful as he makes me feel. All my friends can tell when I've gotten a phone call or a long email because I glow. I know part of that is just being apart, but I've known this guy for 10 years and he's been the most consistent person I've ever met. We've both changed and matured a lot in the last 6 years or so, but at the core we are the same people. I like to feel that I'm just a more true version of myself now than I was then. And he's still the same romantic, affectionate, giving, caring man I knew all those years ago. Because of everything we've been through in the last few years, we are both so appreciative to be together. I've never been with someone who could make me melt in a puddle. Not only can he do that, but he can make me melt from the other side of the world.

That brings me to the hardest part of my life part. Jay left 2 weeks ago for a 7 month deployment with the Navy. I won't see him again until May. Being without him is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I don't know how career military wives do this. At least I know that when he comes home in the spring, I'll be out in Virginia and we'll move in together and he won't be going out again except for maybe a few days here and a few days there until he gets out of the Navy in Jan. of 08. I'm on a couple of myspace groups for Navy wives/girlfiends/fiances and a lot of the women have been saying that it gets easier after the first few months. I couldn't imagine that last week. I felt like my heart was litterally breaking, but this week has been much better. I feel like last time I opened my eyes it was Sunday and now it's Wednesday night. Next thing I know it'll be the weekend again, and then the next weekend, and the next, and then I'll be standing on that pier watching him walk off that ship knowing our life is about to start. I try to imagine that moment, but I know I can't even phathom the overwhelming emotion I'll be feeling. Depending on when he gets in, it'll be right at a year from the time I decided I wanted to be with him. I remember hearing someone speak one time on relationships and they said that you shouldn't look to marry the person you think you can live with, you should look for the person you can't live without. Well, I now fully understand what he was saying. I am sure that I could not live without Jeremy. In fact I'm really not sure how I lived without him for the last 6 years, other than that explains why the last 6 years have been so unhappy for me. Right now, I'm getting about an email a day, and then I got a 15 minute phone call this past Sunday. Hearing his voice again after two weeks was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced. When I got off the phone with him, I felt like I had breathed for the first time in years. I just kept saying that I loved him and I missed him. Those two things seemed to be the most important things to say since I didn't know when I would get to talk with him again. I see now what the other navy wives were saying. After a while you go from resenting that you're not getting the same communication as you were before they left to savoring every email and every phone call. I'm doing everything I can to stay busy. I'm putting together care packages and sending hand written notes. I'm putting together a christmas gift that's taking a lot of coordination and preparation. I'm looking into apartments and jobs in Virginia, and planning my cross country road trip with my mom. Anything to keep me busy and keep the time passing.

The thing is though... as hard as it is right now, being with him is worth every single moment, and every tear I've cried over the last couple of weeks and any more I'll cry before he comes home is worth it too.

Talk with y'all later!