23 days down.... a whole bunch to go.
Today I'm having a down day. It started out pretty good. But during lunch I spent almost the whole hour writing Jay a note. I do this every couple of days, and they are usually just junk. Little things that made me think of him. Some wierd story from work or one of the myspace groups I'm in. But today, I found myself writing for almost an hour about how much I loved him, all the things I missed about being with him, and all the things I was looking forward to when he got back.
Well... I just haven't quite been the same since. I do better when I don't think about it. Because when I'm honest I have to admit that I miss him so bad I physically ache sometimes. (Note the song on my page. I love it so much because that's exactly how I feel.) It's like a part of me is missing. My arms feel so empty when I'm not there to hold him. I crave the place of complete relaxation that can only be found in his arms. The place where nothing can hurt me, and I don't have to worry about anything.
Anyway... So, I've been doing my best this afternoon to remember that military deployments are not supposed to be easy. I knew these days would come, and to just hold on because tomorrow will be better. I'm trying to validate my feelings of saddness, and really let them wash over, because I know the harder I fight them the stronger they will become. If I will just allow myself to feel the emotions, then maybe I can move on.
I know this won't last forever. Almost a whole month has passed. But right now I have to be very honest and say, "This really sucks!"
Sorry for the negativity. Thanks for listening to me.