Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Happiest Yet Hardest Time of My Life

Well, it's been a while since I last blogged. So, many things have happened in the last few months. I still can't even believe how different my life is right now than it was a year ago. This time last year, I was just beginning to realize that the unhappy marriage I was in was never going to get any better. But at that point I was feeling horribly trapped, not wanting to admit that it wasn't going to work because then I would have had to do something about it.

Now I would have to consider this to be the happiest, yet most difficult time of my life. So, for those that I haven't kept in the loop very well, I'm absolutely head over heels in love with my soulmate. I thought I'd been in love before, but I see now that I had no idea what love was. You can love someone with all your heart and not be able to love them in the way they need to be loved. The feeling of being in a relationship where the way you naturally express love to the other person is exaclty the way that person feels most loved... it is like nothing I've ever experienced. I've seen Jeremy twice in the last few months. Once just for us, we hardly saw anyone the whole time we were in Charlotte, and then another quick weekend when I came into town for a friends wedding. Both times were litterally the most amazing of my life. I was really worried about this first weekend because it had been planned for 9 weeks or so, and I was afraid I'd had too long to build up the exprience into something it could never live up to, but I was wrong. It lived up to everything I'd ever hoped it would be. I felt like I was the absolute highest priority in his life. If friends called to invite us to dinner, I was given the option of saying yes or no. If I had said that I wanted him all to myself, that would have been it. I've never felt so love, so adored, so appreciated, so beautiful as he makes me feel. All my friends can tell when I've gotten a phone call or a long email because I glow. I know part of that is just being apart, but I've known this guy for 10 years and he's been the most consistent person I've ever met. We've both changed and matured a lot in the last 6 years or so, but at the core we are the same people. I like to feel that I'm just a more true version of myself now than I was then. And he's still the same romantic, affectionate, giving, caring man I knew all those years ago. Because of everything we've been through in the last few years, we are both so appreciative to be together. I've never been with someone who could make me melt in a puddle. Not only can he do that, but he can make me melt from the other side of the world.

That brings me to the hardest part of my life part. Jay left 2 weeks ago for a 7 month deployment with the Navy. I won't see him again until May. Being without him is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I don't know how career military wives do this. At least I know that when he comes home in the spring, I'll be out in Virginia and we'll move in together and he won't be going out again except for maybe a few days here and a few days there until he gets out of the Navy in Jan. of 08. I'm on a couple of myspace groups for Navy wives/girlfiends/fiances and a lot of the women have been saying that it gets easier after the first few months. I couldn't imagine that last week. I felt like my heart was litterally breaking, but this week has been much better. I feel like last time I opened my eyes it was Sunday and now it's Wednesday night. Next thing I know it'll be the weekend again, and then the next weekend, and the next, and then I'll be standing on that pier watching him walk off that ship knowing our life is about to start. I try to imagine that moment, but I know I can't even phathom the overwhelming emotion I'll be feeling. Depending on when he gets in, it'll be right at a year from the time I decided I wanted to be with him. I remember hearing someone speak one time on relationships and they said that you shouldn't look to marry the person you think you can live with, you should look for the person you can't live without. Well, I now fully understand what he was saying. I am sure that I could not live without Jeremy. In fact I'm really not sure how I lived without him for the last 6 years, other than that explains why the last 6 years have been so unhappy for me. Right now, I'm getting about an email a day, and then I got a 15 minute phone call this past Sunday. Hearing his voice again after two weeks was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced. When I got off the phone with him, I felt like I had breathed for the first time in years. I just kept saying that I loved him and I missed him. Those two things seemed to be the most important things to say since I didn't know when I would get to talk with him again. I see now what the other navy wives were saying. After a while you go from resenting that you're not getting the same communication as you were before they left to savoring every email and every phone call. I'm doing everything I can to stay busy. I'm putting together care packages and sending hand written notes. I'm putting together a christmas gift that's taking a lot of coordination and preparation. I'm looking into apartments and jobs in Virginia, and planning my cross country road trip with my mom. Anything to keep me busy and keep the time passing.

The thing is though... as hard as it is right now, being with him is worth every single moment, and every tear I've cried over the last couple of weeks and any more I'll cry before he comes home is worth it too.

Talk with y'all later!


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