Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Not Dead

I'm not dead. I promise. I am, though, still really struggling with my bi-polar. I live in a constant state of being overwhelmed. I have a hard enough time keeping up at work, dealing with dinner during the week, the house work, and taking care of Turtle. Anything beyond that just makes me want to go back to sleep. Thankfully, I'm aware of my mental state and I'm trying to give myself permission to pull back. It's ok that the house is a wreck, it's ok that the blog doesn't get updated, it's ok that I watch movies in bed while Turtle plays beside me from about 7pm on during the week because that's about all I can wrap my head around. I know this will pass. I know I will eventually feel better. For now we just have to baton down the hatches and weather the storm.

Thankfully, I was able to get into see my psychiatrist last week. It was wonderful to see him again. I haven't seen him since going back to work. He immediately noticed my increased anxiety level (apparently I don't hide it as well as I think). He was so encouraging though. He complimented me on being aware of my mental state enough to recognize I was swinging. He said that was a huge step ahead of the game. Of course that doesn't make it any less miserable.

He agreed that we should go back to the mood stabilizing drugs I was on when I got pregnant, and I started those yesterday. I'm a little apprehensive of the next few weeks. The last time I started these drugs the first few weeks were rocky, to say the least. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my own skin to be exact. My doctor reminded me though that this time we know it'll work. This time we have hope and knowledge. Plus I feel really comfortable with the staff at his new office so I'll be more likely to call if I need help. (Sometimes I wonder if people are aware that the patients they work with have MENTAL ISSUES! Duh!)

So, hopefully, that tiny bright speck is light at the end of a very long tunnel.

And hopefully, I'll be back sooner rather than later, but until then, I leave you with the biggest brightest spot to ever come into my life.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Oh Fairy Godmother!

I'm putting together a registry list for my girlfriend entitled: Turtle Production's Sanity Saving Registry List and it's got me thinking about some of the stuff I'd love to have. Most of it I'd never buy for myself, but if a fairy godmother dropped any of these on my door, I'd be more than happy to take them. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy some Friday daydreaming eye candy.

The Petunia Pickle Bottom Cross Town Clutch in Frolocking In Fez

It's basically a diaper bag that's just big enough to hold some diapers, wipes, changing pad, and your lipstick. It's the diaper bag equivalent of the evening bag. After lugging around my big (but awesome!) diaper bag for 6 months, I'm fantasizing about having something smaller. Especially since I'm often times carrying Turtle too. But alas, at $89 (gulp!)... Oh Fairy Godmother!

The Petunia Pickle Bottom Edition Ergo in Peaceful Portofino

Yes, I've developed quite a crush on most things Petunia Pickle Bottom. I'm late to the game since I wasn't a fan of their boxy backpack style diaper bag everyone else seemed to drool over, but have now fallen in love with their style and prints. This one might be mine one of these days. I've had my eye on an Ergo since before Turtle was born, but at over $100, we just haven't had the money yet. This one is just a bit more than the original. Maybe one day. Although if I get this one, I'm pretty much eliminating any chance that Jay will use it.

A Maya Wrap Ring Sling in Olive or Chocolate


After this weekend, I think a Maya Wrap ring sling may be exactly the carrier I need right now. Turtle does NOT like to be snuggled into my chest unless she is very sleepy and even then she fights it. This makes it super easy to do a hip carry or even a back hip carry. It's fast, it's simple, I've heard it's comfortable, we shall see. At $68ish, maybe sometime soon.

Baby Jogger City Mini in Green
In all of my stroller research, this is the coolest stroller I've ever seen. It closes with only one hand by pulling on a handle in the seat. I've wanted it from the first time I saw it, but at $240 it was always a little too rich for our blood. Having spent over $100 on a used stroller that doesn't roll very well, I really wish I would have just saved up for this one. Ah, maybe one day!
Chico Liteway in Fuego

In the slightly more attainable category is the Chicco Liteway. It's an awesome umbrella stroller that is super light weight, folds up easily, has a small "foot print", and an almost flat recline. After dealing with our less than perfect stroller, I'm fantasizing about something smaller and easier to maneuver.

You Are My Sunshine Sign

Oh the beauty! Oh the deliciously vintage-y beauty! And with all the yellow walls in our house I'd have a hard time deciding where to put it. There are so many possibilities.

Julia Style Vera Bradley Bag in Sittin' in a Tree
And since I'm trying to remind myself that I'm something other than a mom, here's one just for me! This new shape from Vera Bradley has had me swooning from the first moment I saw it. I love the vintage boxy styling and since they've discontinued my favorite print it's on sale on their website. Oh Jay...!

What are you lusting over? Anything fun? Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Before and After

I'm working on a post about my family trip last weekend, but it's not quite finished yet. I found these pictures though and thought they were super fun.

This is me taking some maternity pics of my cousin last October. I was 19/20 weeks pregnant with Turtle.

And this was last weekend. When I found out that my cousin's photographer wasn't coming to the house to take any getting ready pictures, I grabbed my camera, popped Turtle on my back (so she couldn't get to my camera which she really wanted to play with) and we went to work.

As much as my life has changed since Turtle was born, I'm so thankful that I'm still able to do the things I truly love. And one of the things I loved most about my upbringing was how my parents folded us into their favorite activities (concerts, festivals, hiking, etc.). I loved feeling like a part of their lives instead of the end of it, and I want Turtle to feel like that too.

And as a quick update, I'm feeling a little better, today. Hopefully, the tide of chemicals in my brain has shifted. Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and encouragement.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Almost Wordless Wednesdays

Momma's little geeklette asleep in her Star Wars onesie.  She's sticking her tongue out to let me know what she thinks of me taking pictures of her while she's asleep.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Down Swing

I've always tried to be very honest on this blog. I feel that glossing over struggles and pretending everything is perfect only does others a disservice. So, today we take a break from all the adorable pictures and baby lists to be brutally honest.

I'm not doing well.

There I said it. I think the happy pregnancy hormones have finally worn off because I realized the other day that I've been swinging for a month or two. One of the biggest challenges of having Type II Bipolar Disorder is that it's really hard to tell when you swing from one extreme to another. It's like living in a world with no rulers. You have no "normal" to compare back to. The ruler I've found recently though is my housekeeping. For a while there I was getting up every morning about a half an hour before I needed to leave and unloading the dishwasher, picking up the living room, etc. while Turtle hung out in her high chair and played. For the last week or so I haven't been able to get out of the bed before I absolutely have to. Yes, Turtle's erratic sleep patterns contribute to this, but it's more than that. It's not a feeling of being sleepy, it's a feeling of being overwhelmed... too overwhelmed to face the dishes or the table that needs cleaning off or the finances that are a big fat mess right now, or the doctor bills that are going unpaid, or the ....

I know that guilt and shame are the enemies of all mommy's (in all situations), but at my house these evil twins seem to have taken up residence lately. I feel like having to work has made me a failure as a mother, the distraction of missing Turtle all day has made me a failure as an employee, wanting to spend any extra time in the evenings and weekends with her has made me a failure as a wife, housekeeper, and pet owner. Our yard is in complete disarray making me a failure as a homeowner and neighbor. I'm only able to keep in minimal contact with my friends making me a failure as a friend. Last week was National Breastfeeding week where in a bunch of my awesome mommy bloggers posted about their struggles and ultimate triumphs in breastfeeding remind me of my failure to breastfeed my daughter and give her the best. I read an article on NPR the other day about birthing and the comments were filled with "natural" birth advocates railing against interventions which reminding me of my dual failures: first being my judgement of mothers birth choices and failure to have compassion for others before I had Turtle and second my failure to achieve my goal of giving Turtle a non-medicated birth. Failure seems to be at every turn.

The logical part of my brain knows this is my illness, but that doesn't make it any easier. The feeling of wanting nothing more than to crawl back in bed and shut it all out is just as strong.

I must keep reminding myself of the Bi-Polar's motto: This too shall pass.

this too shall pass...

this too shall pass..

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Random Thoughts on a Wednesday

It's been a crazy couple of weeks at our house and the blog shows it. Jay started school (thank goodness for the GI bill!) and is gone Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5:30-10:30. Basically we don't see him on those days because we are both asleep when he gets home. I've been eating dinner at my mom's house when I pick up Turtle so that I can guarentee I get something to eat. She tends to tollerate playing in her high chair just long enough for me to fix something to eat but not actual eat it. So, to keep me from having a Dr. Pepper for dinner (hey it counts!) mom is helping out. So far (all 2 days) it's been great. I enjoy having a little time to myself and usually end up cleaning and organizing instead of watching TV which is what I usually do. This week I'll be getting ready to go out of town on Friday but more about that later.

Random thought no. 1: Dr. Pepper should totally be classified as its own food group!

We moved Turtle's crib into our bedroom. Yes, I've become one of "those" mothers. She was just getting too big for her co-sleeper bassinet and was moving around too much. I was afraid she was going to get her face wedged in on the side that doesn't have any ventilation, but I'm just not ready for her to move away from me yet. So Jay being the awesome dad/husband he is, brought the crib into our room. This involved turning it every which way possible before finally deciding to take the door to her nursery off it's hinges. She is starting to sleep in her crib for longer stretches. ::knocks on wood!:: We don't have nearly as many of those 3:30am have-to-get-in-mama's-bed incidents anymore. If she does wake up, it's usually closer to 5 and Jay gets up at 5:30 anyway so it's not a big deal.

Random thought no. 2: Thank freaking goodness we bought the cheep, light crib from IKEA! I think Jay would have killed me if he'd had to dissasemble and reassemble a traditional sized crib!

Turtle and I are going on our first mother/daughter adventure on Friday. My cousin on my dad's side is getting married and we are going. Yay! It's in the mountains of North Georgia so we will be leaving early on Friday morning. I'm trying to time our departure for around her morning nap so that she sleeps as long as possible. We'll plan to stop for an early lunch/late breakfast when we get close so that I can feed Turtle and get her in her wedding clothes. That night we are staying with my cousin on my mom's side in the mountains of North Carolina. It'll be the first time any of my extended family has met Turtle and I'm really excited. A little intimidated though since it's the first time I've traveled with her for the night. But when I started making a list I realized it's just the stuff I normally put in her diaper bag so that helped my anxiety a little.

Random thought no 3: What are the chances that a baby who consistently takes a nap at 7:15 every morning will suddenly decide she doesn't want to nap when we get on the road? 

I think I may have finally figured out the magic evening formula for getting Turtle to sleep. She often times falls asleep while drinking her last bottle, but when I take her upstairs to change her diaper/put on her pj's she wakes up. Well, last night I thought, "Duh! How about you change her before you feed her!" Worked like a charm. She fell asleep in my arms on the couch. After the show I was watching ended, I took her upstairs and laid her in her crib where she slept until about 4:30am. Win!!

Random thought no. 4: Why on the first night that Turtle hasn't insisted on falling asleep in my bed could I not fall asleep to save my life. I thought I was going to have to get her out to cuddle with so that *I* could sleep!

Went to our local consignment store yesterday looking for a sling like my friend has. They didn't have any slings, but while I was there I decided to look for a new dress for Turtle to wear to the wedding. I had been trying to decide what to put her in. Two of her dresses are white with colored embroidery and didn't know if the no-white-to-a-wedding applies to babies or not. She only has two other dresses. One is dark navy and adorable but I was afriad it would be too hot. The other just isn't that cute. Well, amazingly I lucked out on a Janie and Jack (upscale children's clothing store only sold at the hoity-toity mall) sundress for $6.50! FTW!

Random thought no. 5: Who worries about a baby being judged for wearing white to a wedding? Only me!

Since you made it through all that randomness. Here is your reward... some random baby cuteness!

Hi everybody!

I love to watch Jon Stewart's The Daily Show! (No really she does! I think it's the intro she likes.)

Sitting in the big girl high chair!

Hangin' with Uncle Dan!