Thursday, July 15, 2010

Shifting Prospectives

When reading the following, please do not put me in that category of super annoying pregnant women who talk about how their priorities have shifted and in doing so make everyone else feel like their lives and interests are trivial! Any and everything I post on this blog is in reference to my life and my life alone, and should never be taken as an implied judgement of anyone else's choices or priorities!

Ok, now that that disclaimer has been made!

I have to say that over the past couple of weeks, my entire outlook on so many things has changed. It's amazing how things that use to call my name (::cough:: shoes ::cough::) have totally lost their draw. Now for some people this may seam like a trivial thing, but for me it's a huge deal.

For almost as long as I can remember, I've gone through money like it was water! I've never been a saver and have suffered greatly from an over active sense of instant gratification. Shopping was my therapy. I shopped when I was bored, when I was upset, when I was feeling out of control. When everything in my life felt like it was falling apart, going to Target and buying a new pair of flipflops or whatever else caught my fancy would help me feel less chaotic. And when I tried to deprive myself of it, the feelings would be overwhelming. I wouldn't feel sad, or disappointed, or longing, I would feel desperate, like the deprivation implied I didn't deserve to be happy. It was very deep and very powerful and like an addiction, almost impossible to deny. There have been many times that I've run my bank account into the negative out of a sense of desperation. I knew I didn't have the money. I knew I might overdraft, but it didn't matter. I NEEDED that thing (and to be honest the item itself was usually less important than the feeling of control).

Over the past few weeks, it's like this compulsion has fall by the wayside. I'll admit, the exhaustion has probably helped some. I can hardly muster the energy to THINK about going shopping on my lunch break anymore. Just sitting at my desk and watching Hulu or reading while keeping my eyes open has been a challenge. But over this time, I've realized that there are so many more important things to me right now, like saving enough money to afford for me to take maternity leave, or possibly go part time at work, or even stay home full time.

You'd think the object of my compulsion would have just shifted and that I'd now be stocking up on baby stuff instead of shoes and well shoes. ;-) But the more I think about the things that are really important to me, like spending as much time as possible with my little one once s/he gets here, baby socks and matching nursery decor and fancy matching pack n play/high chair/stroller sets just don't have the same draw. And it's AMAZING the difference this change has made in our bank account!

My little Butter Bean isn't even born yet and he's already having a calming effect on my Psyche. I'm just in awe of the miracle that this little one is and the positive thing he's being into our lives. I can only imagine where we will go from here!

Happy Thursday everyone! Tomorrow's Friday, which means the weekend is right behind it. And around my house that means SLEEP!!! I'm going to be glad when I get to the second trimester and I can do something other than sleep over the weekends!

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