Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Who Am I?

I've always felt I needed to define myself by something. Even though I never phrased it like this, whenever I met someone I always felt like I was saying, "Hi! I'm Bonnie, and I'm..."

From a young age up until I was about 12 it was...

Hi! I'm Bonnie, and I'm a gymnast.

The day my mom sat me down and encouraged me to quit gymnastics, she said, "You just don't seem to enjoy it anymore." I remember crying. I didn't refute her observation. I simply asking her, "But what will I tell people I AM?"

After that I picked up dance, and until I was in college it was...

Hi! I'm Bonnie, and I'm a dancer.

I remember when I decided to go to school full time and stop seeking a dance career, I again thought, "But what will I tell people I AM?"

Then I got married, and for a long time it was...

Hi! I'm Bonnie and I'm a wife.

I remember being so devastated when I realized the relationship was ending because I didn't want it to be..

Hi! I'm Bonnie and I'm divorced.

Then I met Jay. He was a proud Navy Man and it was...

Hi! I'm Bonnie and I'm a Navy girl.

I was terrified when he got out, even more anxious then he was. Again I feared, "What will I tell people I AM?"

To cope with this I threw myself into becoming a wedding planner and it was...

Hi! I'm Bonnie and I'm a wedding planner.

When I had my health crisis in the fall, I resisted letting go of this, even though it truly came down to my health or my business ambitions. Again, I feared, "But what will I tell people I AM?"

Since then I've been lost, a ship floating... no direction and yet no anchor.

Recently, though, I've begun to think that maybe it's not the changing definitions that have caused me so much heartache over the years. Maybe... it's the act of defining myself in the first place.

I'm a lot of things... a wife, a sister, a daughter, an employee, a volunteer, a friend, a maid, a cook, a blogger, a crackberry addict, a facebook junky, an Apple fanatic, an OCD party planner, a bi-polar, a Dansko clog lover, an insatiable seeker of knowledge, a democrat, a liberal, an agnostic, a Twi-hard, a collector of more bags and crafting supplies than my husband thinks one human could possibly need, among a thousand other things.

But when it really comes down to it needs to become...

Hi! I'm Bonnie and I simply AM.

No explanation necessary.

1 comment:

Jr. Mint said...

As I've gotten older I struggle less with the "who am I" and more with the "what do I want to be." Ugh this growing up thing sucks. lol You, my dearest friend, are Bonnie. While to strangers that may not mean anything, to me and I'm sure others who know you there is not a need for any other explanation because simply Bonnie says it so very much! You are amazing!