I'm not dead. I promise. I am, though, still really struggling with my bi-polar. I live in a constant state of being overwhelmed. I have a hard enough time keeping up at work, dealing with dinner during the week, the house work, and taking care of Turtle. Anything beyond that just makes me want to go back to sleep. Thankfully, I'm aware of my mental state and I'm trying to give myself permission to pull back. It's ok that the house is a wreck, it's ok that the blog doesn't get updated, it's ok that I watch movies in bed while Turtle plays beside me from about 7pm on during the week because that's about all I can wrap my head around. I know this will pass. I know I will eventually feel better. For now we just have to baton down the hatches and weather the storm.
Thankfully, I was able to get into see my psychiatrist last week. It was wonderful to see him again. I haven't seen him since going back to work. He immediately noticed my increased anxiety level (apparently I don't hide it as well as I think). He was so encouraging though. He complimented me on being aware of my mental state enough to recognize I was swinging. He said that was a huge step ahead of the game. Of course that doesn't make it any less miserable.
He agreed that we should go back to the mood stabilizing drugs I was on when I got pregnant, and I started those yesterday. I'm a little apprehensive of the next few weeks. The last time I started these drugs the first few weeks were rocky, to say the least. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my own skin to be exact. My doctor reminded me though that this time we know it'll work. This time we have hope and knowledge. Plus I feel really comfortable with the staff at his new office so I'll be more likely to call if I need help. (Sometimes I wonder if people are aware that the patients they work with have MENTAL ISSUES! Duh!)
So, hopefully, that tiny bright speck is light at the end of a very long tunnel.
And hopefully, I'll be back sooner rather than later, but until then, I leave you with the biggest brightest spot to ever come into my life.