Expectations

Oh dear expectations, if I were an Aesop's Fable, you would be the cautionary moral to the story.

Disclaimer: This blog may in fact leave you with more questions and fewer answers than you started with. Consider yourself warned.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about long-term relationships lately. Being married for almost 2 years now, I'm strugling with what a marriage is supposed to look like. In the media we tend to see only 2 types of relationships...either the happy, lovey-dovey beginnings of relationships or unhappy long-term relationships. Examples: Ralph and Alice Kramden of the Honeymooners, Al and Peg Bundy of Married with Children, and Archie and Edith Bunker from All in the Family. There are rare exceptions however... Dr. and Ms. Huckstable of the Cosby show are probably my favorite TV couple! In contrast to this general misery, however, are the beautiful new relationships blooming in every chick flick released.

In the movies... Happily Ever After seems to imply that they lived as blissfully as they are when we leave them, enraptured in each other, unencumbered by day to day life, and never getting on each other's nerves. :-) But I think anyone who has been in a long-term relationship can attest to the fact that the heat of new relationships is unsustainable over the long haul.

But the the media can't be blamed for everything... or so I've been told. :-)

I think one of the reasons why this happens is expectations. When a new relationship is blooming, we have blissfully low expectations. Everything the other person does is a lovely surprise. Every phone call or text... every hug or kiss... every gift or gesture comes as an unexpected joy.

Once we've been together for a while, those blissfully low expectations soon become frustratingly high expectations. I'll stop talking in broad generalizations now and focus on myself. Hopefully, these things apply to you too, but I don't want to assume that everyone is like me.

I've noticed that I seem to focus on what I "don't" have or get. I notice the fact that my husband doesn't get me flowers or small meaningful gifts (like my favorite candy bar or card for no reason) but totally miss the fact that he refuses to go to sleep without me in his arms. I'm sure there are girls who would love for their guys to hold them as they fall asleep, myself included just a few short years ago.

I found this in a blog I wrote in March of 2007. I was coresponding with a new military girl and trying to impart as much wisdom as I could. Jay and I were 4 months into a 7 month deployment when I wrote this.

"It's going to be hard and there are going to be moments where you don't think you can put one foot in front of the other, but in the end, when you're standing there watching his ship or his plane or his bus pull in, you'll forget all of it and only remember how much you love him. And you will be more grateful for him, for your relationship, for y'all's love then the vast majority of the people in the entire world will ever experience. That sense of gratefulness is the absolute most amazing thing I've gained from this experience! The only thing I hope for, is that in 20 years I have the same sense of awe... the same feeling of overwhelming gratefulness to have Jeremy in my life that I do right now and that I expect to have the day I stand on that pier and watch that carrier pull in!"

Amazingly, it didn't take 20 years to lose that gratefulness, it only took 3. How does this happen? And how does one get back there?

First of all, is that overwelming feeling sustainable? Is it reasonable to expect that 5 years into a relationship you will feel the same way as you did 5 month in?

Are unreal expectations really at the heart of our dissapointment? Does one need to adjust one's expectations of what a long-term relationship is supposed to look/feel like?

Do those expectations need to be expressed more clearly so that they can be met by a partner who is willing? What about the slightly deflated satisfaction that comes with getting exactly what you've asked for... nothing more, nothing less?

These are the things that have been bouncing around in my head for the last few weeks. I told you, you might end up with more questions instead of more answers whent this blog was over. What are your thoughts? Successes? Insights? What's worked for you? What HASN'T?

These are a few of my favorite things....

Did you hear Julie Andrews singing? I know I did!

I've horribly neglected my blogging responsibilities, dear readers. But today we will have an installment of my Favorite Things.

First:

Did you know that Crate and Barrel has a lower cost store called CB2??? Me either!!! Unfortunately, the brick and mortar stores are in very select cities (Charlotte NOT being one of them), but with the internet, who even needs brick and mortar stores anyway! While perusing I ran across these beauties!





I need these! No... not "want"... NEED these plates! Since I have it tattooed on my arm, most of you probably already know that it's a pretty important symbol in my life, but I never imagined I could have it on a plate set! And running anywhere from $4.95 to $7.95 a piece it might even be a possibility someday!

Next we have the fabulous Lisa Leonard Designs . How beautiful are these?!?!






Unfortunately, at $50 - $60 a piece, they are a not something you can just pick up on a whim, but definitely material for a special occasion!

Third... Did you know that my idol, Marth Stewart, has logo wear??? Neither did I! If you a Martha disciple and also a t-shirt-aholic, then you'll have to buy these TODAY! This is my favorite!



And finally...

My new bracelet from Signals that I LOVE!



Who doesn't need the reminder "Fall seven times, stand up eight" at least once every day! And at only $14.95 EVERY girl needs one!

That's it for this installment of my Favorite Things. What are some of your recent favorite things! What are some of the small things that bring joy into your life?

Thankful Thursday

This has proven to be a very tough week on many fronts. So, what better time to write an installment of Thankful Thursday????

I'm thankful for...

1. A wonderful husband who loves me in good times and in bad.

2. The best mother a girl could ask for who is moving back to Charlotte and will be living only a few miles away.

3. A wonderful friend who is graciously allowing me to coordinate her wedding.

4. The best friend a girl could ever have who is always there for me in my toughest moments, even though she lives hours away, and even if we haven't talk recently!

5. The best childhood BFF possible who loves and accepts me just as I am and is always up for a 3 hour coffee shop trip.

6. A puppy whose eyes light up every time I walk in the door, regardless of if I've been gone for seconds or hours and who reminds me to revel in the little things in life like a good treat, a tummy rub, and a seat on the couch.

7. A beautiful house big enough to host all our friends, and the money to feed everyone when they come over.

8. A kitchen large enough to cook in which has made cooking at home to save money a treat instead of a burden.

9. LOST returning to fill the Tuesday night void it left months ago, and the hope of finally getting answers to what the heck that smoke monster is!!!

10. My DVR which allows me to not miss my NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles now that LOST is back on.

10a. NCIS:LA for casting Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J in their show! Hello yes!

11. The fact that there is a new episode of my new favorite show Cougar Town on my DVR right now waiting for me tonight!

12. The fact that The Twilight Saga: New Moon movie is coming out on DVD March 20th and I have the means (and the understanding husband) to throw a cool party including themed drinks and food and personalized VIP passes for my friends. Come on March 20!!!

Sometimes just seeing how many things you have to be thankful for is just what the soul needs. Happy Thursday everyone! What are you thankful for?

Christmas Eve

I know. As a pagan, I'm not supposed to celebrate Christmas, but it's pretty hard to live in America and not celebrate this holiday... especially if you want to get presents. So, I just take comfort in the fact that Christmas has it's roots in the pagan solstice celebration and deck the halls anyway!

This year was especially wonderful. Probably the most wonderful since before my parents split... no... I take that back... probably the most wonderful...ever.

I blogged a while ago about longing for a "home". My childhood home was sold when I was 17. The new one never felt the same, and then after my parents split even that house was sold. My mom, my brothers and myself have since lived in a string of apartments. Most years not living in the same place from one year to the next. During this time my grandmother's house was the only thing I had that tied me to any sense of history. Well, after she passed away in September, my uncle (who technically owns the house), changed the locks and refused to give my mom a key. I will probably never be able to revisit or take my children to this historic place.

In an amazing coincedence, the day my grandmother passed away, we found our house. Six weeks later, we were moving closing, and two weeks after that we were moving in. And two weeks ago, we were able to celebrate out first holiday in the house.

It was truly amazing! My decided to come down the week or so before. A few days later I found out that my oldest-younger brother was coming down with her. Of course, my middle brother and Jay's mom were already planning to come over. Christmas eve I found out that my third brother was coming over and our little family would be complete! It the first time we have all been together in years... possibly since Jay and I got married almost 2 years ago!

Jay's mom got us a large roasting pan for a housewarming gift and I was itching to put it to use, so I decided that since we weren't together for Thanksgiving, I would put together a Thanksgiving worthy spread!

So, I "talked" it over with Martha (Stewart) and Paula (Deen), and together we put together a fabulous menu.

Yeah baby! That's cream style corn (cut off the cob by my wonderful husband and partner in crime!), cornbread stuffing (and yes, I made the cornbread from scratch before making the stuffing!), green bean cassarol, and Paula Deen's own Sweet Potato Bake which was superfantabulous!!! In fact, it was so good, it deserves it's own picture!

And although I'd have been happy with just side dishes, the whole point was to try out our amazing roasting pan. This was the first turkey I've ever attempted, and boy was I nervous. A trip to the ER for food poisoning is really not my idea of a joyful holiday celebration! So, I read and read and read about how to do a turkey safely and tastey!

Thankfully my mom helped me clean it out and wash it out because it was totally grossing me out! I'm ok with meat as long as it doesn't look like a dead animal! If we went back to having to kill our own food, I've be a vegitarian for SURE!

So we buttered that bird, crossed our fingers, and stuck it in the oven!

Apparently our gas stove is not callibrated correctly because about half the time my recipe said to cook it, this bird was falling off the bone!!!

Yeah baby!!!

It was hard to pull the boys away from the Wii long enough to eat. In fact, I think they eat in between turns!!! It was so wonderful to hear laughter and friendly competition filling our new house. After dinning we pulled out the guitars and the boys took turns playing while we all sang 90's era grunge songs and 70's era southern rock standards!! Gotta love bolting out Sweet Home Alabama at the top of your lungs and totally off key!

Then we finished out the night with a very LONG game of Trivial Persuit on the Wii which didn't end until after 1am!! Luke headed home, and MOST of us went to bed... but that's for another blog.

Holiday Housewarming Celebration

It has been holiday central around the Stafford house! From the last blog, you can see that I've been struggling with some things lately. Thankfully, I seemed to have stepped out of the fog just in time for our housewarming party!

With us closing and moving in the first of November, we decided that having a holiday housewarming would be most appropriate. And you know me, I jumped head first into planning. It felt good to feel good again! One of the hallmarks of clinical depression is losing interest in things you use to find enjoyment in. So, I was so thankful to find enjoyment in designing, crafting, and decorating for the party!

I'd found this picture on Better Homes and Gardens and loved the color scheme! So, I decided to let it be my inspiration.



Then I found this fabulousness created by Hyperlink to The Inspired Bride and Hyperlink to Bake it Pretty



So, I decided to try and combine the two and make it work for me. I started with the invitations, where all good party planning should start. ;-) I was so happy with the way the invitations came out! It took me a while to refine the design to where I was happy with it, but it finally got there.

Then it was time to decide what to serve. I figured with the color scheme being black, white, and apple green, white chocolate would be the only answer! At least once a year my mom would drag out her double boiler and dunk some stuff in chocolate. And continuing with tradition, I have come to do the same. Usually making chocolate covered pretzel rods, using my patended spoon and swirl technique, for co-workers or friends. This year I decided I would just go bigger and badder.

Wanting everything to be as fresh as possible, my friend Beth came over the night before the party to help me dunk. We made dunked oreos, pretzel rods, and my childhood tradition of ritz cracker/peanut butter sandwiches, all coated in scrumptious white chocolate (which I got on sale, by the way.)

After Beth left, I whipped up a batch of peppermint bark. Which by the way, is the easiest thing in the entire world, and something I'll probably make every year from now on, even though I'm not a fan of peppermint.

Being the awesome friends that they are... my bestests totally pitched in. My bestest April had offered to help however she could. With four kids I was counting myself lucky that she was going to make it at all, but then I remembered the amazing butter cream frosting that she made for her daughter's bithday party. I knew that one of the other things I wanted to make was cupcakes, and I couldn't think of anything better to top them with then her butter cream frosting!

My bestest Jessica, came up from Fayetteville (where she lived with her active duty army husband) early Saturday morning to help with the set up and final baking. I'd found, what looked like, a to-die-for chocolate cupcake recipe in my Cupcake book by Martha Stewart. Not being fortunate enough to have a KitchenAid mixer, Jess brought her's with her and was awesome enough to make the cupcakes while I was finishing up the cleaning and decorating.

Thanks to all my friends and my wonderful husband, who lets me be crazy controling over my projects and deals with my stressed out moments trying to get finished up, we were done with a couple of hours to spare! This has never happened to me before!! I'm always the one running right up to the minute.

Unfortunately with the blurr of activity and trying to take advantage of time with my friends, I completely forgot to take even one picture! Thankfully, my brother got a couple with his iPhone.




What do you think? I think it came pretty close to my inspiration. Oh and if you were wondering, Martha Stewart did not stear me wrong! The chocolate cupcakes were to-die-for, and totally worth the $10 I spent on the small box of fancy cocoa I bought to make them.

Illness

I have an illness. I will have this illness for the rest of my life. I will be on medication for this illness for the rest of my life. I will not allow this illness to define my life.

I have been very lucky and healthy most of my life. Other than the occasional strep throat or cold, and what I thought to be a mild case of low seretonin, I never had to see a doctor on a very regular basis. I went on a low dose of anti-depression medication about 6 years ago but only saw a general practicioner once a year to have it refilled. Things were much better than they had been before I went on the anti-depressant, so I figured everything was good to go.

Well, after taking my current job, which drains every ounce of my strength, I started having more problems. I finally sought help from my general practicioner about a year and a half ago. They did a broad spectum blood test, and sent me to a sleep clinic, which after an overnight sleep study and months of different medication, produced nothing helpful other than the knowledge that there was no physical reason for me to be sleeping poorly. The blood test produced absolutely nothing out of the ordinary either.

Continuing to press the point, my general practicioner decided to shake up the meds a litte. He put me on a different anti-depressant. Well, this one was great. It gave me more energy. I had motivation coming out of my ears. In fact it bordered on obsession. Unfortunately, although I felt a little better, it didn't fix the problem, it actually made it worse.

So, a few months later when I come into my general practicioner's office at the end of my rope, insisting that I had walking pnumonia or mono, but with a list of symptoms that described a textbook case of clinical depression, he finally refered me to a psychiatrist. At my first appointment, a few short days before my 30th birthday, the psychiatrist listened to my symptoms, took my medical history, and diagnosed me with Type 2 Bi-Polar disorder. I was devistated! This is the same illness that my dad has. This is the same illness that allegedly caused the behaviors that still haunt me to this day. What if I treated people the same way? Happy 30th Birthday, you're a monster! Let's just say that I did not weather the milestone birthday with the grace I was hoping for.

This diagnosis was followed by a string of unfortunately timed coincidences, some good some bad, but all overwhelming. Just 3 weeks later, my grandmother passed away and the moment the funeral was over my extended family imploded. I anticipate that with the exception of two cousins, I will never see my mom's extended family again.

The day my grandmother passed away, we found our house and within 6 weeks we were closing. That meant a move which is stressful under the best of circumstances. All of this while going on and off different medications.

The first thing my psychiatrist did was put me on a mood stablizing medication. He warned me that I might be more depressed until we got the medication and dosing right, but I was not prepared for the crushing, overwhelming, sufficating, drowning experience that would follow. One of the biggest challenges with an illness like bi-polar is that I've never really experienced "normal", so I you have no ruler, no standard, by which to compare my moods. When I first went on the mood stabilizer I felt like I wasn't at home in my own skin... like I was consistenly trying to crawl out of my skin to be free of the sensation. That subsided thankfully, but it left behind the most sufficating experience of clinical depression that I've ever experienced. If I was not as stubborn as I am, I would not have gotten out of bed as often as I did.

It took my psychiatrist about three months to figure out that I would not call between visits. I didn't want to "bother" him and figured I could suffer through until my next visit. Once he figured this out, he moved me from coming in every four weeks to every two. And after listening to my complaints, he upped the dose of both my meds.

Just a few days later... I stepped out of the fog that had been the last three months of my life.

It's amazing how feeling so bad can make one so appreciative of feeling good. I still feel like I have an unsteady hold on my sanity at the moment. But hopefully as the days turn into week and the weeks turn into months, I'll be able to trust this new feeling of stability.

I have an illness that will effect me for the rest of my life. I will not let this illness define me.

been far too long...

I know it has been a very long time since I blogged. To say the least, life has been a little challenging. After deciding that I wanted to have my own wedding planning business, I dove headlong into making that a reality. Unfortunately, due to my obsessive personality, I did this to the detrement of myself, my marriage, my health, and my sanity. Between networking groups, obsessing over my logo, business cards, website, and coordinating 2 weddings in the same month, I burt out. I got to the point where I couldn't even look at my google reader or blog on the business' site. Just the thought was more than I could handle.

This stress was, of course, on top of the rest of the stress in my life. I had decided not to renew my committment to the domestic violence organization when my year was up, but unfortunately that wasn't until September. I was trying deserately to connect with a kid at the Alexander Youth Network who is hard to reach on a good day. Work got even more stressful than normal. But every time I think it can't possibly get more stressful, it does.

At the beginning of September I turned 30. I'd always hoped that I would handle that with grace and confidence. Well, whatever it was that I handled it with, it was NOT grace or confidence! My grandmother was getting very ill, so we decided to take my birthday weekend and go up to see her. I'd planned on having a big 30th birthday party and refusing to take it lying down (translation: drinking and clubbing like I was in my 20's). Well, that didn't happen since we were up in the mountains. The whole thing kind of hit me like a mack truck! I died my hair with my cousin and that was so much fun, but I spent the evening in tears and it took me weeks to recover.

Around the same time, I was finally able to get into the psychiatrist that my primary care physician had reffered me to. Well, after listening to me talk for a very short time, he diagnosed me with Type 2 Bi-Polar Disorder, which is a milder form of bi-polar. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. It took me a very long time to feel like I could breath. Why I felt like that is a much longer story then I want to go into right now, but it was tramatic to say the least. And of course, he started playing with my medication. Switching meds is no fun even on a good day, so at this point it just about put me under! Well, let's see, that was September and I just feel like I stepped out of the fog sometime last week.

Two weeks after my birthday, my grandmother died. We all knew it was going to happen, but it doesn't necessarily make it easier. The moment she passed the family imploded on itself! We got through the funeral by the skin of our teeth, but as soon as it was over all hell broke lose. I now no longer talk with 90% of my extended family and expect that I never will.

One of the few bright spots, has been my grandmother's dog. He's a 5 or 6 year old, 16 lb, Shiz Tsu who came home with us instead of being sent to the shelter. He's a buddle of joy, a crazy dog who runs in circles when he's excited, and the light of my life at the moment. Adjusting to having a dog has been a challenge for Jay and myself, though. Neither of us ever having had an indoor pet like Sammy. We are adjusting to the responsibility, as well as the additional costs associated with having a furry child! And trust me, he is my child substitute!

The day my grandmother passed, Jay and I found our new home. Within 8 weeks we were home owners! That scared the ever living daylights out of me. I don't know what it was but committing to a 30 year morgage, but it was scarier than getting married. I guess because the morgage is harder to get out of then the marriage. :-) We also had to deal with moving and breaking our lease, all of which was just tied up last week.

The week before Thanksgiving I was at my breaking point. I was hardly putting one foot in front of the other was was having a hard time doing simple tasks. During a counciling session, my therapist convenced me that it was imperative that I take some time off work. So, I took the entire week of Thanksgiving off. I focused on resting, on healing, on giving myself permission to think only of myself.

I learned one very important thing through it all... sometimes getting out of bed in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other all day long is something to celebrate! Hopefully, I can start putting my life back together. I've lost some friendships through this time as well as learned that I have limits. Now if I can only learn, next time, to find those limits and respect them before it's too late.

There are some fun things going on right now. I have become absolutely, 100% addicted to the Twilight Saga. I'm sure I'll be writing about that soon. And this weekend is our holiday housewarming party! I'm so excited for this, and will be working on preparations all week. I'll be taking lots of pictures and posting them as soon as I can.

To all my family and friends who have stood by me during this difficult time in my life, thank you... thank you from the bottom of my heart!