Monday, December 7, 2009

been far too long...

I know it has been a very long time since I blogged. To say the least, life has been a little challenging. After deciding that I wanted to have my own wedding planning business, I dove headlong into making that a reality. Unfortunately, due to my obsessive personality, I did this to the detrement of myself, my marriage, my health, and my sanity. Between networking groups, obsessing over my logo, business cards, website, and coordinating 2 weddings in the same month, I burt out. I got to the point where I couldn't even look at my google reader or blog on the business' site. Just the thought was more than I could handle.

This stress was, of course, on top of the rest of the stress in my life. I had decided not to renew my committment to the domestic violence organization when my year was up, but unfortunately that wasn't until September. I was trying deserately to connect with a kid at the Alexander Youth Network who is hard to reach on a good day. Work got even more stressful than normal. But every time I think it can't possibly get more stressful, it does.

At the beginning of September I turned 30. I'd always hoped that I would handle that with grace and confidence. Well, whatever it was that I handled it with, it was NOT grace or confidence! My grandmother was getting very ill, so we decided to take my birthday weekend and go up to see her. I'd planned on having a big 30th birthday party and refusing to take it lying down (translation: drinking and clubbing like I was in my 20's). Well, that didn't happen since we were up in the mountains. The whole thing kind of hit me like a mack truck! I died my hair with my cousin and that was so much fun, but I spent the evening in tears and it took me weeks to recover.

Around the same time, I was finally able to get into the psychiatrist that my primary care physician had reffered me to. Well, after listening to me talk for a very short time, he diagnosed me with Type 2 Bi-Polar Disorder, which is a milder form of bi-polar. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. It took me a very long time to feel like I could breath. Why I felt like that is a much longer story then I want to go into right now, but it was tramatic to say the least. And of course, he started playing with my medication. Switching meds is no fun even on a good day, so at this point it just about put me under! Well, let's see, that was September and I just feel like I stepped out of the fog sometime last week.

Two weeks after my birthday, my grandmother died. We all knew it was going to happen, but it doesn't necessarily make it easier. The moment she passed the family imploded on itself! We got through the funeral by the skin of our teeth, but as soon as it was over all hell broke lose. I now no longer talk with 90% of my extended family and expect that I never will.

One of the few bright spots, has been my grandmother's dog. He's a 5 or 6 year old, 16 lb, Shiz Tsu who came home with us instead of being sent to the shelter. He's a buddle of joy, a crazy dog who runs in circles when he's excited, and the light of my life at the moment. Adjusting to having a dog has been a challenge for Jay and myself, though. Neither of us ever having had an indoor pet like Sammy. We are adjusting to the responsibility, as well as the additional costs associated with having a furry child! And trust me, he is my child substitute!

The day my grandmother passed, Jay and I found our new home. Within 8 weeks we were home owners! That scared the ever living daylights out of me. I don't know what it was but committing to a 30 year morgage, but it was scarier than getting married. I guess because the morgage is harder to get out of then the marriage. :-) We also had to deal with moving and breaking our lease, all of which was just tied up last week.

The week before Thanksgiving I was at my breaking point. I was hardly putting one foot in front of the other was was having a hard time doing simple tasks. During a counciling session, my therapist convenced me that it was imperative that I take some time off work. So, I took the entire week of Thanksgiving off. I focused on resting, on healing, on giving myself permission to think only of myself.

I learned one very important thing through it all... sometimes getting out of bed in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other all day long is something to celebrate! Hopefully, I can start putting my life back together. I've lost some friendships through this time as well as learned that I have limits. Now if I can only learn, next time, to find those limits and respect them before it's too late.

There are some fun things going on right now. I have become absolutely, 100% addicted to the Twilight Saga. I'm sure I'll be writing about that soon. And this weekend is our holiday housewarming party! I'm so excited for this, and will be working on preparations all week. I'll be taking lots of pictures and posting them as soon as I can.

To all my family and friends who have stood by me during this difficult time in my life, thank you... thank you from the bottom of my heart!

1 comment:

Jr. Mint said...

Yay! I'm so glad to see you back on here!