Another Week, Another Papaya (Week 23)

Well, this marks the first week without a new fruit/veggie. But according to the website His Boys Can Swim, Lily is the size of an over inflated football, if that helps anyone. :-) And this week we finally hit the one pound mark.

So, what else is up with Lily?

"Your baby is probably quite active by now, and you should be able to feel movement or kicks in your belly.  It might even be possible to see the movements on the surface of your skin.  Overall, your baby is now more proportioned from head size to the rest of the body and is looking more and more like a newborn."

Having an anterior placenta (a placenta that has attached to the front of the uterus) has caused a delay in me feeling Lily move, but I certainly feel her now. Every day I feel some sort of movement, whether it's kicks and punches or somersaults like yesterday. It's the oddest and most amazing feeling I've ever experienced. Jay has not be able to feel movement from the outside yet, but I think we are getting really close to that happening. This morning, I think Lily had the hiccups because it felt like she was jumping off one side of my uterus and hitting her head on the other side. It was pretty big so I looked down, and low and behold, I was able to watch my belly twitch and bounce when she banged around. Unfortunately, Jay was already on his way to work so I was the only one there to enjoy it, but I also know it's only the first time and there will be many more opportunities for him to experience in the weeks and months ahead.

So, how is Mama doing?

I'm actually doing very well. I've stopped stressing over the food I eat after getting great advice from my wonderful friends and family. Then last Wednesday in our class when I expressed a frustration over the stress that came along with the diet to our instructor, she informed me that this was only a goal and not something I should expect to fulfill everyday. Um... would have been nice to know that last week! Duh! Oh well. So, this week my goal is to eat consciously. I try to make healthy choices but not at the expensive of my mental health.

Part of the HypnoBabies program includes a track of pregnancy affirmations. I actually downloaded this off the website before even signing up for the class, and have been listening to it for weeks now. Believe it or not, I think the thing is actually beginning to work. After struggling to find a time to fit it into my schedule, I decided to listen to it on my drive home every day. (Note that it's the only track you can listen to while driving.) So, instead of getting all riled up about politics or listening to the same song played for the umpteenth time on the radio, I listen to over a half an hour of positive affirmations about this pregnancy and childbirth. It truly is amazing the calming effect it has had on my Psyche. Usually my drive home is filled with frustration, yelling at other drivers and the occasional hand gesture (hand gestures have become more common since the pregnancy hormones kicked it). Now I spend the drive home concentrating on positive statements and practicing my "Bubble of Peace" mental trigger to keep out any negativity and anxiety.

I see it as kind of like exercising. You wouldn't go into the gym and expect to pick up a hundred pound bar bell or run a half marathon the day after buying your first pair of running shoes. You start slow and work your way up. Well, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm taking a rather mildly stressful situation and practicing my techniques. And I actually feel like my "muscles" are getting stronger. It's easier and easier to block out the anxiety and frustration elicited by the car that just decided to cut me off without a blinker or cursory hand wave. I plan to use the techniques tomorrow when I go see one of the other midwives at my practice and get my finger pricked again. Plus, I've been terrified of getting high blood pressure this pregnancy so I plan to use my techniques while they are taking that as well. Hopefully, by the time we get to the marathon in February, my mental and emotional muscles (as well as my physical muscles) will be strong enough to handle the challenge of childbirth.  That reminds me though, I need to take the list of questions I had for the hospital tour and look over it so I can get any questions I still have answered by my midwives.

So, how's Daddy doing?

Jay is wonderful as usual. He's been reading my scripts to me faithfully and never once laughed at them or made of fun the program, although its hard to hold back a giggle sometimes. In fact this week I got to read a script to him that is supposed to help him stay calm during the birthing time too. Like I said before, much to my dismay, and not for a lack of trying, he hasn't been able to feel Lily move yet. It always makes me frustrated, but he keeps telling me that it will happen in time and he'll have plenty of time to enjoy feeling her move over the rest of the pregnancy. Not to mention, in just a few short months, she'll be here and he can hold her and feel her move all he wants.

I think that's about all for this week! I have a few blogs in the works. I still need to update everyone on our experience on the hospital tour and I'm working on a blog about the Welcoming Ceremony we're putting together for Lily when she comes out.

Have a great Wednesday everyone and if you live near me may the weather not be as bad as the weather dude was predicting, and regardless may we all have a safe evening!

Going Home Outfit

Well, at least as it stands today. I'm open in the event that I find something I like better. Oh and I'll probably be taking two outfits to the hospital since I've been told that you never know how big they are really going to be and if a newborn size or 0-3 size will fit better. But enough with the stalling... show you the tiny adorable clothes, right?

The whole outfit. Including the most adorable fleece swing-y coat I've ever seen!

 The adorable onesie that goes underneath. It says "mommy's girl".

And the super adorable pants with the ballet slippers on them.

I mean, does it get any cuter than that?!? Except I say that about everything that I see. The really funny thing is, I'd already spent all my "allowance" for the week when I saw this at Target last weekend. But I decided that I didn't really like the dress that I'd bought to wear to my friends shower, and if I took it back and wore one of the perfectly fine things I already owned, I could buy this outfit for Lily. I know... I know. It's already starting. My mom informed me that I would soon find myself willingly going without out in order to buy her something that she doesn't even need! Ah... the life of a Mommy! I'm loving it already!

22 Week Bump Pictures

These were taken yesterday morning (22w4d) before I headed out to my Bestie's baby shower, which was so fun! As you can all see, I clean up good, when/if I want to. I just don't usually want to. Hehe.

Grow baby, grow!!

Reflections on a Name

I'm in the process of writing Lily's Welcoming Ceremony which I'll be writing a whole blog about very soon. As I did research on alternatives to baptisms/christenings/dedications one of the elements that I kept running across was the inclusion of a section where the name of the new child was announced.

I've always believed that names are important. Often times name have meanings in other languages and as metaphysical as it sounds, I think saying that word over someone their entire life can have an effect on them even if they don't know the meaning. So, I knew when I named my child that I would want to make sure I knew the meaning of the name I chose. I didn't want to be calling my child Crap Bag in Italian all his or her life and not know it. hehe.

So, I started my research on Lillian, which we had pretty much already picked and Jay was already head over heals in love with. I found that it means Lily, like the flower. So, I took it a step further. I know that flowers have meanings as well, so what did the Lily mean? Well.. it means Pure or Purity. I breathed a sigh of relief. At least it didn't mean big steaming pile of poop or anything like that. But I didn't immediately fall in love with the meaning because it invoked too many feelings of striving to be pure in a religious sense. That is.. until I starting meditating on it.

As a part of the ceremony Jay and I will announce the name we've chose, what it means and why we feel strongly enough about that name and meaning to speak it over our child their whole life. So, I really started thinking about what that would mean for her. And that is when I feel in love with both her name and its meaning. For me, it comes down to the core of each human being. Growing up in the Christian church I was taught that at the core of my being, simply because I was born, I am sinful, fallen, weak, bad, doomed by the bad deed of one human man and woman, and in need of saving by an external god. Combined with the other messages taught in my household, such as my dad's view that he was the only one with any wisdom or knowledge, this view of being inherently bad and wrong became a noose... a suffocating force that took me many, many years to walk out from under. To this day I still struggle with an ability to voice my own opinion because I still feel that because it is mine (regardless of how much I've studied or researched the topic), it will always be wrong and should always be questioned. It's not a question of if I am wrong, but how and why.

I do NOT want my daughter to grow up to struggle with the same thing! One of the things that helped me at least identify the messages that had been forced on me, was a broad study of world religions. I remember being blown away by the teachings of Buddhism, and the concept that at my core I am good and pure and that only through the corrosive elements of the outside world do I learn to be "bad" (i.e. egotistical, hurtful, prideful, racist, sexist, homophobic, etc.). This simply idea was liberating and became a core life value for me.

I want Lily to grow up confident in herself. She has worth and deserves respect and love simply because she is. She does not need to be saved or converted or rescued in order to be loved. She does not need to earn her place in this world, unlike her mother who spends much of her time and energy every single day trying to prove that she has worth and deserves to be loved.

There is something spiritual about holding an infant. Their spirit is so pure, it's almost like touching the other side, if there is another side. It's overwhelming to see how children are ignorant of things like sexism, racism, homophobia, and the hatred of those who are not like us. These things must be taught. I hope to not teach these things to Lily. I hope to raise her in a household filled with acceptance and love and laughter. I hope to teach her to hone and trust her instincts and that at her core, just like her name states, she is pure... she is Lily.

p.s. Note that this is not an overview of my entire child rearing theories and does not imply that I will never correct or guide or discipline my child. It does not mean that I plan to raise a spoiled brat of a child or have a "child ruled" house. So, please no comments about how I'm going to be a horrible mother.

p.s.s. Also, for my friends who are of the Christian faith, please do not take this as a judgement of you. I accept all my friends and celebrate the diversity that we as a group possess. I am thankful that Lily will have access to wonderful examples of different faiths and will encourage her to take advantage of these people and their knowledge in order to find her own path.

The End. :-)

Whoooo's Seeing Owls Everywhere... Oh It's Just Me?

I knew owls were a pretty popular thing, but I'd never really paid attention until the last couple of weeks. Well, folks, I'm here to tell you that owls are EVERYWHERE, which makes dreaming about Lily's perfect nursery both easy-peasy and overwhelming! Oh you don't believe me...



Look at this adorable set of owl nesting dolls from Urban Outfitters! What a cute family they make! I can just see them sitting on the top of a coat hook shelf or book shelf.

After looking at about a THOUSAND owl themed wall decals I think this one is my favorite. And being the cheapest at only $16, it's Jay's favorite too! Hehe. The color of the lettering and the owl can be customized, and I think it would be prefect over the crib or the changing table.

I have, have, HAVE to have this owl shaped pillow pattern from Etsy. And since it's just a pattern it's both inexpensive and customizable. I was planning on finding some other fabrics that would coordinate with the owl print so this project will easily pull all those fabrics together. It will probably end up sitting in the chair in her room for a while since nothing is supposed to be in the crib except her for quite a few months.

And finally...

Once I have the pattern I can shrink it and make a mobile like this one to go over her crib. 

I can't wait to get started. But first I have to clean out her room. Grrr. That's the part I'm not looking forward to. Her room and the guest room have been our dumping ground for odds and ends every since we moved into our house. It's going to be a couple weekend job, probably to figure out what should be stored, what should be donated, and what should be pitched. And it won't be happening this weekend, since this weekend is my Bestie's baby shower! Woohoo! I have to finish up a couple of project tonight and tomorrow and then wrap up her gift. I can't wait to see all the beautiful things she gets. I'll try to take pictures so I can share the things I made for her, but you never know with this pregnancy brain how that's going to go. I just hope I can remember to take my 22 week bump picture on Saturday since I'll be out of town on Sunday. Good grief. So many things to remember. So few brain cells to do it with!

Happy Friday everyone! Owl talk to you later! hehehehehehehe! Did ya just hear Jay groan all the way from his office. ;-)

Oh Mya... Lily's a Papaya (Week 22)

Holy cow! 22 weeks ya'll! Only 18 more to go!!! Time is passing faster and faster the further along we go. The summer was pretty sparse as far as activities go, so I figure that's why. Every week that passed seemed like an eternity. Now it's like every time I turn around it's Wednesday again and time for another weekly update blog.

So, this week we are a Papaya. Actually, we've switched from getting a fruit a week to getting a fruit a month and it'll be this way for the duration of the pregnancy. So, I'm going to have to come up with a different way of naming these weekly updates. Hum...

So, what's up with Ms. Lily this week?

"Your baby's senses are really developing this week.  Taste buds are forming and nerve endings are developing enough for your baby to experience the sensation of touch."

How's mama doing?

I've definitely had my ups and downs this week, but I try to keep in mind that as an unmedicated bi-polar that is to be expected. Right now I need to just focus on riding them out and reminding myself to not make any life changing decisions when I'm feeling "off". I've been focusing on, and struggling with, eating better this week. We went over the Brewer Diet in our childbirth class last week and I've been trying to follow it. The diet is high in protein and supposed to help prevent pre-eclampsia, which is something I am very interested in avoiding! But it's hard. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I'm a food addict. I eat as a way of exerting control over my life. My inner dialogue usually goes something like this, "I may not be able to have what I want in my life, but DAMN IT, I can eat whatever the heck I want!" Limiting and restricting my food makes me feel very out of control, almost vulnerable, and causes my anxiety to shoot through the roof.

I was dealing with this very well, right before finding out I was pregnant. I was doing Weight Watchers  and making great strides towards being free of this addiction to food. But that was when I was on the medication. I said a few weeks ago that I feel like I'm going backwards in my personal growth, slipping back into old patterns of thinking and behaving. This is one of those, and it has made eating a healthy well balanced diet at best overwhelming, at worse impossible. For most of the week I've felt like a failure as a mother because I couldn't fill in all the little boxes I needed to, and my daughter isn't even here yet. But my mom reminding me last night that life is all about balance. Balance in eating, but also balance in being kind to myself. I have a special challenge to deal with during this pregnancy and that is being unmedicated. On one hand there is eating a balanced diet for my health and Lily's... on the other hand is keeping my sanity for my health and Lily's. And I am a success in many other areas. For instance I was about a 1/3-1/2 a pack a day smoker until I got that positive pregnancy test and stopped cold turkey immediately after finding out we were pregnant. I need to remind myself of my successes sometimes.

At least I now know what I should be striving for... 4 servings of milk, 5 servings of grains, 2 leafy green veggies, etc. every day. But I cannot allow myself to breakdown if I do not meet my goal. I need to make eating healthy a priority for my health and Lily's while keeping in mind that unreasonable expectations are destructive and counter productive.

I've been working on writing a Welcoming Ceremony for after Lily is born. I'll be posting about that more here as we get closer to her birth. I may not be religious, but I believe whole heatedly in the importance of ritual in our lives and the lives of a community. Therefore, I feel it's very important to have some sort of ceremony marking the growth of our little family and the addition of a new person into our community. So, we'll be having a ceremony hopefully about 6-8 weeks after she's born that will basically welcome her into our community. I'm currently doing a lot of research on this and putting together the actual ceremony. I'm really excited with how it's coming together and I can't wait to share.


So, how's daddy doing?

He's great! He's patiently waiting to be able to feel her little kicks from the outside. I'm starting to feel them more and more but because of the placenta being in the front, he hasn't been able to feel them yet. He loves to kiss my belly and talk to her though, which is great since she can now hear our voices. He always tells her goodbye in the mornings before he goes to work and it's the cutest thing in the entire world! Just melts my heart every morning. I can't wait until she comes out and he can hold her. I know he is counting down the days.

Well, I think that's it for this installment of the Lily Show. See you all first of the week with belly pics! Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Week 21 Belly Pics

I still can't believe that we are just a few days shy of being done with Week 21! The first trimester insisted on dragging its heals and now the second is just flying by! We are over half way there and only have about 6 weeks to go before the beginning of the 3rd trimester. But... without further ado... here is Ms. Lily at 21 weeks. OH! And yes that's the Puppy in the first shot. He just had to get in on the action.

There's no denying there's something going on now. For comparison purposes... I give you a refresher of week 15.

Pretty cool, huh?