So, I've Come to Terms with the Fact That I'm OCD...

So, over the last few days, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm definitely OCD! I'd always wondered, but now I'm sure. So, what prompted this realization?

Well, I'm flying back to Charlotte to see a very old, very dear friend tomorrw night. It's been planned for a couple of months and the closer I get, the more excited (read: slightly anxious) I get. I haven't seen him in 5 1/5 years and he's the most important relationship in my life right now. So, I started a parking list. "That's not so crazy...." you say. But I sarted the packing list 4 weeks ago. "Yea, that's crazy!" And it gets worse. I've had all my shopping trips planned out for months according to my pay day schedule, so that I would have the money to purchase the things I felt I needed.

Then this weekend, I was faced with unavoidable evidence. I looked around my apartment and found it covered in sticky notes. With the new "no liquids" carry-on regulations, I've thought through EVERYTHING I'm taking. (This really put a wrinkle in my plans since I'm taking a red eye out of LAX and arriving in Charlotte at 8am EST. I was planning on wearing my PJ's from LAX to Atlanta and then taking my two hour lay over to make my transformation into beautiful, but now... no perfume, no toothpaste, no liquid lipstick...) I've made conscious decisions as to which bag everything should be placed in. I even bought a back up thing of mascara in case they take the one I have in my carry-on bag. And you know you can never pack everything until that last minute when you've brushed your teeth for the last time...etc. So, I've placed sticky notes on all my luggage reminding me of what still needs to be placed in each bag. Then I have a sticky note on my door reminding me to turn off my alarm clock (so that my neighbors don't absolutely hate me by the time I return) and to grab my dress (which I'm carrying on the plane because it'll get all wrinkled if I put it in any of my bags.)

I've even thought through my transportation situation, and not just in the way that a normal person would. My hair cut appointment (that I desperately needed) was canceled for this past weekend. So, I had to reschedule for my lunch break on Wednesday (cutting it close, I know!). Well, I'll need to drive. So I realized that if I park at my building (about 11 blocks from my house) when I come in from volunteering at the battered women's shelter on Monday night then I'll can just walk back and forth to work like I normally do on Tuesday and then my car will be at my building when I need to leave at lunch time on Wednesday. Then since it'll be the middle of the day, I'll be able to get a parking place close to my house (which is only possible in the freaking middle of the day when everyone is at work). Then I'll walk back to my building. Then when work is over I'll be able to walk back to the house, take a shower, pack the last few things and then drive my car over to my building which has a metro stop at the bottom. That way I won't have to lug my luggage 11 blocks tot he metro station. Then I'll ride the metro and the shuttle to the airport and be on my way.

Wow!!! I really, really, really think too much!!!!!! And the even worse part is... I'm on an anti-anxiety medication!!!! Can you even imagine what I would be like if I weren't taking it?!?!!? I don't even want to think about it. Actually, I think the only reason why I'm able to channel the energy into something even remotely productive (excessive planning being considered remotely productive) is because the medication takes the edge off the anxiety. I know I should be exstatic, but I'm not at the moment. I know I will as soon as I get on the plane, and of course as soon as I see him all the anxiety will just melt away, but for right now, It's killing me. I've been counting down for a long time. When we made the plans we were at 9 weeks. Every wednesday was exciting because it meant I was one week closer to seeing him. Then I started counting days, and now I'm at hours. 9 weeks is too long to be thinking about something. I think I've just had too much time to think about stuff.

So, right now I'm at 33 1/2 hours and counting. I really need that pedicure this evening!! And a glass of wine!!!! Will I be able to get at glass of wine in the Atlanta airport at 5:00am EST? :-)



bonnie

Grocery Shopping Can Be So Fun

I had the strangest experience at the grocery store last night. I know you all are thinking, "Well, we thought she was crazy, but now we know for sure!" But hear me out!

I'm a very detail orriented person. I love lists and thinking and planning ahead. I love organization. (I guess I'm in the right profession!) So last night after working late, I realized on my walk home that I had no food in the house. I got paid on Monday and had been meaning to stop by the grocery store for days, but something had come up every night. So, last night after I got home, I grabbed my urbanite-granny-rolly-basket and walked to my local ghetto Vons. I call it that because it's really small and doesn't have a great sellection. But I love being able to walk back and forth, especially since it was after 8pm and there's no way in hell I'd have found a parking place if I'd driven anywhere (yea, I live a block from the beach and I walk to work, and it was like 80 degrees today, but it's not perfect out here. I'm sure you all feel better now.) :-)

But before I left, I pulled out a piece of paper and went through my cabinets. I knew all last week I'd go to make something and realize that I had 1 of the 2 things I needed. So, I took inventory. For instance, I had pasta but no sauce, cheese for grilled cheese but no bread... etc. So, I made a list, strapped my iPod to my arm and headed out. (Don't tell my dad or my supervisor, Janiel, that I was walking around downtown Long Beach at almost 9pm!)

I had a wonderful time. I picked out what I needed. I could choose anything I wanted. I knew exactly how much I had to spend so that I would still have money for other things. I could think through the whole week and a half until I get paid again and figure out what I could get that would be the most economical and efficient yet allow me to not feel deprived! (For instance I get these frozen dinners that don't have a single naturally occuring ingrediant in them. I think they grow them right in the boxes in the lab. But they are cheep and they don't completely suck. But I've learned that if I get a couple of different kinds and keep at least three or so in the freezer at work, I have a choice and I'm not tempted to run downstairs and spend WAY too much on an over priced sandwhich.)

So, then I wheeled them all home in my basket and drug it up three flights of stairs by myself. And put it all away while I jamed to my music (how did I live before I had an iPod?!) and it was great.

Now I know what you are all thinking now. "Wow, yea, this girl's totally nuts. That's sounds like so much work, she did it all by herself, and she's excited about it." But you just don't understand. I've always done this kind of thing myself. My ex would never contribute any effort to these types of household responsability. And if he did, he wanted me to go with him and he wanted to ask me a thousand questions. So, basically I did it even when he did it. Then he would try to get out of carrying up the groceries if at all possible, then as soon as the bags where in the kitchen floor he would walk away and start working on the computer. If I didn't put them away they would stay there for weeks or until whatever it was was needed.

So, even though I did a lot of this kind of stuff, the fact that I felt so taken advantage of ruined the whole experience. It feel so good to be in total control. To not feel resentful and really be able to enjoy living. I had been feeling that I had all the sucky parts of being married but yet all the sucky parts of being single. I had to pull the entire weight of taking care of a household as if I were single, but with the restrictions of being married as well. It feels so good to be on my own. I never thought I would feel like this, but it's amazing.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to be single my entire life. In fact I'll probably only be living by myself for the next 9 months or so, but now I know what is important to me. I know what tasks I enjoy doing, and how important it is to me to find someone who is willing to share the day to day tasks involved with living.

But as for right now...I'm enjoying going to the grocery store by myself. :-)

Bye y'all,

Bonnie