Christmas Eve

I know. As a pagan, I'm not supposed to celebrate Christmas, but it's pretty hard to live in America and not celebrate this holiday... especially if you want to get presents. So, I just take comfort in the fact that Christmas has it's roots in the pagan solstice celebration and deck the halls anyway!

This year was especially wonderful. Probably the most wonderful since before my parents split... no... I take that back... probably the most wonderful...ever.

I blogged a while ago about longing for a "home". My childhood home was sold when I was 17. The new one never felt the same, and then after my parents split even that house was sold. My mom, my brothers and myself have since lived in a string of apartments. Most years not living in the same place from one year to the next. During this time my grandmother's house was the only thing I had that tied me to any sense of history. Well, after she passed away in September, my uncle (who technically owns the house), changed the locks and refused to give my mom a key. I will probably never be able to revisit or take my children to this historic place.

In an amazing coincedence, the day my grandmother passed away, we found our house. Six weeks later, we were moving closing, and two weeks after that we were moving in. And two weeks ago, we were able to celebrate out first holiday in the house.

It was truly amazing! My decided to come down the week or so before. A few days later I found out that my oldest-younger brother was coming down with her. Of course, my middle brother and Jay's mom were already planning to come over. Christmas eve I found out that my third brother was coming over and our little family would be complete! It the first time we have all been together in years... possibly since Jay and I got married almost 2 years ago!

Jay's mom got us a large roasting pan for a housewarming gift and I was itching to put it to use, so I decided that since we weren't together for Thanksgiving, I would put together a Thanksgiving worthy spread!

So, I "talked" it over with Martha (Stewart) and Paula (Deen), and together we put together a fabulous menu.

Yeah baby! That's cream style corn (cut off the cob by my wonderful husband and partner in crime!), cornbread stuffing (and yes, I made the cornbread from scratch before making the stuffing!), green bean cassarol, and Paula Deen's own Sweet Potato Bake which was superfantabulous!!! In fact, it was so good, it deserves it's own picture!

And although I'd have been happy with just side dishes, the whole point was to try out our amazing roasting pan. This was the first turkey I've ever attempted, and boy was I nervous. A trip to the ER for food poisoning is really not my idea of a joyful holiday celebration! So, I read and read and read about how to do a turkey safely and tastey!

Thankfully my mom helped me clean it out and wash it out because it was totally grossing me out! I'm ok with meat as long as it doesn't look like a dead animal! If we went back to having to kill our own food, I've be a vegitarian for SURE!

So we buttered that bird, crossed our fingers, and stuck it in the oven!

Apparently our gas stove is not callibrated correctly because about half the time my recipe said to cook it, this bird was falling off the bone!!!

Yeah baby!!!

It was hard to pull the boys away from the Wii long enough to eat. In fact, I think they eat in between turns!!! It was so wonderful to hear laughter and friendly competition filling our new house. After dinning we pulled out the guitars and the boys took turns playing while we all sang 90's era grunge songs and 70's era southern rock standards!! Gotta love bolting out Sweet Home Alabama at the top of your lungs and totally off key!

Then we finished out the night with a very LONG game of Trivial Persuit on the Wii which didn't end until after 1am!! Luke headed home, and MOST of us went to bed... but that's for another blog.

Holiday Housewarming Celebration

It has been holiday central around the Stafford house! From the last blog, you can see that I've been struggling with some things lately. Thankfully, I seemed to have stepped out of the fog just in time for our housewarming party!

With us closing and moving in the first of November, we decided that having a holiday housewarming would be most appropriate. And you know me, I jumped head first into planning. It felt good to feel good again! One of the hallmarks of clinical depression is losing interest in things you use to find enjoyment in. So, I was so thankful to find enjoyment in designing, crafting, and decorating for the party!

I'd found this picture on Better Homes and Gardens and loved the color scheme! So, I decided to let it be my inspiration.



Then I found this fabulousness created by Hyperlink to The Inspired Bride and Hyperlink to Bake it Pretty



So, I decided to try and combine the two and make it work for me. I started with the invitations, where all good party planning should start. ;-) I was so happy with the way the invitations came out! It took me a while to refine the design to where I was happy with it, but it finally got there.

Then it was time to decide what to serve. I figured with the color scheme being black, white, and apple green, white chocolate would be the only answer! At least once a year my mom would drag out her double boiler and dunk some stuff in chocolate. And continuing with tradition, I have come to do the same. Usually making chocolate covered pretzel rods, using my patended spoon and swirl technique, for co-workers or friends. This year I decided I would just go bigger and badder.

Wanting everything to be as fresh as possible, my friend Beth came over the night before the party to help me dunk. We made dunked oreos, pretzel rods, and my childhood tradition of ritz cracker/peanut butter sandwiches, all coated in scrumptious white chocolate (which I got on sale, by the way.)

After Beth left, I whipped up a batch of peppermint bark. Which by the way, is the easiest thing in the entire world, and something I'll probably make every year from now on, even though I'm not a fan of peppermint.

Being the awesome friends that they are... my bestests totally pitched in. My bestest April had offered to help however she could. With four kids I was counting myself lucky that she was going to make it at all, but then I remembered the amazing butter cream frosting that she made for her daughter's bithday party. I knew that one of the other things I wanted to make was cupcakes, and I couldn't think of anything better to top them with then her butter cream frosting!

My bestest Jessica, came up from Fayetteville (where she lived with her active duty army husband) early Saturday morning to help with the set up and final baking. I'd found, what looked like, a to-die-for chocolate cupcake recipe in my Cupcake book by Martha Stewart. Not being fortunate enough to have a KitchenAid mixer, Jess brought her's with her and was awesome enough to make the cupcakes while I was finishing up the cleaning and decorating.

Thanks to all my friends and my wonderful husband, who lets me be crazy controling over my projects and deals with my stressed out moments trying to get finished up, we were done with a couple of hours to spare! This has never happened to me before!! I'm always the one running right up to the minute.

Unfortunately with the blurr of activity and trying to take advantage of time with my friends, I completely forgot to take even one picture! Thankfully, my brother got a couple with his iPhone.




What do you think? I think it came pretty close to my inspiration. Oh and if you were wondering, Martha Stewart did not stear me wrong! The chocolate cupcakes were to-die-for, and totally worth the $10 I spent on the small box of fancy cocoa I bought to make them.

Illness

I have an illness. I will have this illness for the rest of my life. I will be on medication for this illness for the rest of my life. I will not allow this illness to define my life.

I have been very lucky and healthy most of my life. Other than the occasional strep throat or cold, and what I thought to be a mild case of low seretonin, I never had to see a doctor on a very regular basis. I went on a low dose of anti-depression medication about 6 years ago but only saw a general practicioner once a year to have it refilled. Things were much better than they had been before I went on the anti-depressant, so I figured everything was good to go.

Well, after taking my current job, which drains every ounce of my strength, I started having more problems. I finally sought help from my general practicioner about a year and a half ago. They did a broad spectum blood test, and sent me to a sleep clinic, which after an overnight sleep study and months of different medication, produced nothing helpful other than the knowledge that there was no physical reason for me to be sleeping poorly. The blood test produced absolutely nothing out of the ordinary either.

Continuing to press the point, my general practicioner decided to shake up the meds a litte. He put me on a different anti-depressant. Well, this one was great. It gave me more energy. I had motivation coming out of my ears. In fact it bordered on obsession. Unfortunately, although I felt a little better, it didn't fix the problem, it actually made it worse.

So, a few months later when I come into my general practicioner's office at the end of my rope, insisting that I had walking pnumonia or mono, but with a list of symptoms that described a textbook case of clinical depression, he finally refered me to a psychiatrist. At my first appointment, a few short days before my 30th birthday, the psychiatrist listened to my symptoms, took my medical history, and diagnosed me with Type 2 Bi-Polar disorder. I was devistated! This is the same illness that my dad has. This is the same illness that allegedly caused the behaviors that still haunt me to this day. What if I treated people the same way? Happy 30th Birthday, you're a monster! Let's just say that I did not weather the milestone birthday with the grace I was hoping for.

This diagnosis was followed by a string of unfortunately timed coincidences, some good some bad, but all overwhelming. Just 3 weeks later, my grandmother passed away and the moment the funeral was over my extended family imploded. I anticipate that with the exception of two cousins, I will never see my mom's extended family again.

The day my grandmother passed away, we found our house and within 6 weeks we were closing. That meant a move which is stressful under the best of circumstances. All of this while going on and off different medications.

The first thing my psychiatrist did was put me on a mood stablizing medication. He warned me that I might be more depressed until we got the medication and dosing right, but I was not prepared for the crushing, overwhelming, sufficating, drowning experience that would follow. One of the biggest challenges with an illness like bi-polar is that I've never really experienced "normal", so I you have no ruler, no standard, by which to compare my moods. When I first went on the mood stabilizer I felt like I wasn't at home in my own skin... like I was consistenly trying to crawl out of my skin to be free of the sensation. That subsided thankfully, but it left behind the most sufficating experience of clinical depression that I've ever experienced. If I was not as stubborn as I am, I would not have gotten out of bed as often as I did.

It took my psychiatrist about three months to figure out that I would not call between visits. I didn't want to "bother" him and figured I could suffer through until my next visit. Once he figured this out, he moved me from coming in every four weeks to every two. And after listening to my complaints, he upped the dose of both my meds.

Just a few days later... I stepped out of the fog that had been the last three months of my life.

It's amazing how feeling so bad can make one so appreciative of feeling good. I still feel like I have an unsteady hold on my sanity at the moment. But hopefully as the days turn into week and the weeks turn into months, I'll be able to trust this new feeling of stability.

I have an illness that will effect me for the rest of my life. I will not let this illness define me.

been far too long...

I know it has been a very long time since I blogged. To say the least, life has been a little challenging. After deciding that I wanted to have my own wedding planning business, I dove headlong into making that a reality. Unfortunately, due to my obsessive personality, I did this to the detrement of myself, my marriage, my health, and my sanity. Between networking groups, obsessing over my logo, business cards, website, and coordinating 2 weddings in the same month, I burt out. I got to the point where I couldn't even look at my google reader or blog on the business' site. Just the thought was more than I could handle.

This stress was, of course, on top of the rest of the stress in my life. I had decided not to renew my committment to the domestic violence organization when my year was up, but unfortunately that wasn't until September. I was trying deserately to connect with a kid at the Alexander Youth Network who is hard to reach on a good day. Work got even more stressful than normal. But every time I think it can't possibly get more stressful, it does.

At the beginning of September I turned 30. I'd always hoped that I would handle that with grace and confidence. Well, whatever it was that I handled it with, it was NOT grace or confidence! My grandmother was getting very ill, so we decided to take my birthday weekend and go up to see her. I'd planned on having a big 30th birthday party and refusing to take it lying down (translation: drinking and clubbing like I was in my 20's). Well, that didn't happen since we were up in the mountains. The whole thing kind of hit me like a mack truck! I died my hair with my cousin and that was so much fun, but I spent the evening in tears and it took me weeks to recover.

Around the same time, I was finally able to get into the psychiatrist that my primary care physician had reffered me to. Well, after listening to me talk for a very short time, he diagnosed me with Type 2 Bi-Polar Disorder, which is a milder form of bi-polar. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. It took me a very long time to feel like I could breath. Why I felt like that is a much longer story then I want to go into right now, but it was tramatic to say the least. And of course, he started playing with my medication. Switching meds is no fun even on a good day, so at this point it just about put me under! Well, let's see, that was September and I just feel like I stepped out of the fog sometime last week.

Two weeks after my birthday, my grandmother died. We all knew it was going to happen, but it doesn't necessarily make it easier. The moment she passed the family imploded on itself! We got through the funeral by the skin of our teeth, but as soon as it was over all hell broke lose. I now no longer talk with 90% of my extended family and expect that I never will.

One of the few bright spots, has been my grandmother's dog. He's a 5 or 6 year old, 16 lb, Shiz Tsu who came home with us instead of being sent to the shelter. He's a buddle of joy, a crazy dog who runs in circles when he's excited, and the light of my life at the moment. Adjusting to having a dog has been a challenge for Jay and myself, though. Neither of us ever having had an indoor pet like Sammy. We are adjusting to the responsibility, as well as the additional costs associated with having a furry child! And trust me, he is my child substitute!

The day my grandmother passed, Jay and I found our new home. Within 8 weeks we were home owners! That scared the ever living daylights out of me. I don't know what it was but committing to a 30 year morgage, but it was scarier than getting married. I guess because the morgage is harder to get out of then the marriage. :-) We also had to deal with moving and breaking our lease, all of which was just tied up last week.

The week before Thanksgiving I was at my breaking point. I was hardly putting one foot in front of the other was was having a hard time doing simple tasks. During a counciling session, my therapist convenced me that it was imperative that I take some time off work. So, I took the entire week of Thanksgiving off. I focused on resting, on healing, on giving myself permission to think only of myself.

I learned one very important thing through it all... sometimes getting out of bed in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other all day long is something to celebrate! Hopefully, I can start putting my life back together. I've lost some friendships through this time as well as learned that I have limits. Now if I can only learn, next time, to find those limits and respect them before it's too late.

There are some fun things going on right now. I have become absolutely, 100% addicted to the Twilight Saga. I'm sure I'll be writing about that soon. And this weekend is our holiday housewarming party! I'm so excited for this, and will be working on preparations all week. I'll be taking lots of pictures and posting them as soon as I can.

To all my family and friends who have stood by me during this difficult time in my life, thank you... thank you from the bottom of my heart!

It's Official!

My career as a wedding coordinator has officially begun. I mean... I have a logo, therefore I am, right? Well, it's a little more complicated then that. Does anyone know about getting a business lisence such and soforth?????



I "booked" my first official bride yesterday. It's a friend of a friend which I've been helping already, but we emailed yesterday and she is willing to let me use her as a trial run. I'm going to treat her wedding as if she were paying me a few thousand dollars to do a full-service wedding, and in return, she's going to let me use the photographs of her wedding in my portfolio. And if she likes my work, she'll allow me to use her as a reference.

I'm really excited. I've started creating templates for check list and budget trackers that I can use for different brides. I have three that I'm working with right now so this should help me figure out of I can really juggle more than one which is one of the big differences between planning your own wedding and planning others... well that and you don't get to make all the decisions. :-)

I launched a business page on facebook, and am hoping to go live with my official site by next week sometime. I'm planning to incorporate a blog in it since google loves blogs and ranks you higher if you have one you update regularly, and it'll help people see that even though I don't have 5 gazzilion weddings under my belt, I still know what I'm doing.

So, know I just have to figure out how to do the business side of it... invoicing, holding out taxes, drafting a contract, figuring out how much to charge... the not so fun part. But I've never met something I couldn't figure out! As my mom said the other day, I like to take things by the horns!

Hopefully this is the beginning of a wonderful adventure! And one day I'll look back on this blog and think, that's where it began!

If you do something wedding related... baking, photography (Jess), henna (shannon), or anything else, just let me know and I'll feature you on my blog! Also, if you just L.O.V.E. a vender you worked with during your wedding experience or learned something awesome about yourself or something else, then send me a link and I'll feature it on the blog too!

To infinity and beyond!!!!!

Grace Under Fire

I know, it's been a month since I blogged. To tell you the truth it's been kind of a strange time. My doctor has been changing my anxiety meds, trying to find one that will work better than the lexipro. Well, switching medications is never fun, at least not for someone who depends on them each and every day. I find myself having trouble focusing and also feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a rut. But no matter what, we are always going onward and upward, right!

Well, if you were by any chance feeling sorry for yourself, you won't be after you watch this video. Unfortunately, ABC disables the embed feature on youtube, but take a minute and watch the 2+ minute video. No really... we'll wait for you...

Ok, in case you are too pressed for time to actually watch the video, here is a short synopsus. So, Connie Culp has been in the news recently. She is the woman who had the cutting edge "face transplant" surgery after being shot in the face by her abusive husband. Well, this morning, Diane Sawyer interved Ms. Culp on GMA (that's Good Morning America for all you uncool people) ;-)

To say I was mesmerized doesn't even come close to identifying the emotions I experienced watching this amazing woman. In the domestic violence world, we prefer to use the term "survivor" instead of "victim" to describe those who have experienced abuse. If anyone embodies the victorius spirit of this word, it is Ms. Culp. Since I cannot embed the video, I would usually post a picture, but it would do her no justice. Because, see, in a picture you cannot hear her childlike laughter... you cannot see the twinkle that dances in her eyes... you cannot laugh at this remarkable woman's amazing since of humor, a sense of humor that would elicit a chuckle even from Uncle Scrooge... and you cannot see the enormous smile that flirts right under the surface, begging to be released as soon as the newly grafted skin and nerves grow back.

This woman who, by anyone's standards, deserves to be negative, depressed, critical, and sarcastic, instead spends her time being upbeat, positive, encouraging, THANKFUL(!!!), and an inspiration if I've ever seen one! So, what's my excuse? I wish I could bring her on all my DV on-call runs to the hospital. What a remarkable spokeswoman for the DV community!!! From now on, I will point to her and say, "See! She got through it! You will too! One way or another, you will get through this!" And hopefully, the next time I am feeling sorry for myself, I will remember that no matter what, life is precious... a time to spend celebrating the little joys and loving those around me.

Ms. Culp, if you ever read this... Thank you. Thank you for a new perspective on life. Thank you for a renewed sense of gratitude. Thank you for reminding me of how strong we each are. Thank you for inspiring me, in the (paraphrased) words of your favorite song, to love deeper, speak sweeter, give forgiveness I've been denying... to live like I was dying. (Tim McGraw, Live Like You Were Dying)

You are in my thoughts. I would wish that you find strength and peace, but it looks like you are doing just fine with those things on your own. You are truly an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story!

Spring is officially here...

Well, spring has officially come to the Stafford household. After months of dealing with my pleadings to leave the pine wreath up on the porch door because I love it so much, Jay finally took it down...only make a wonderful discovery!




Yes that's right! We have baby birdies!!!!! So, obviously the wreath went right back up were it was and will stay there until the nest is no longer needed. Here's a pictures of the way they built the nest between the wreath and the door. We usually keep the blinds shut on the door, so that's probably why the were able to build there. Now they seem to be a little wigged out becaues we keep the blinds open a lot more, and we are constantly checking on them. Thankfully, we can do it from the other side of the glass and therefore we aren't getting out scent or anything on the little ones.



From our guesstimation, there are about three little beaks in there! I've never seen a birds nest with little ones in it so close up. It's amazing to see them wiggle around. They seem to be mostly asleep but if they get startled, they start to shiver and wiggle. (Sorry little ones, I totally forgot that I had the sound turned on on my phone when I took a picture of you!)

Our resident science expert, Shannon, who works at Discovery Place said that she thinks they are finches. I'm going to have to do some research into it to confirm and see what they eat so we can put plenty in the bird feeder for the mommie to bring them.

Jay has been laughing at me all weekend because I've been like a little girl with a new puppie. I'm always checking on them and oohing and gooing over them. I guess if I can't have a baby human right now, then having baby birdies to watch grow up will be enough.

The funny thing is I thought we had a bat sleeping on our back porch. We would go out there at night and more than once I felt something fly over my head as soon as I opened the door. I'd gotten rather freaked out a couple of times because I can deal with spiders, and I can deal with bugs, and in my first marriage I was the bug killer while my husband stood on things and shreeked liked a girl, but when it comes to snakes and bats, I'll run and hide with the best of 'em!

When Jay discovered the bird's next, he called me to come look and said, "I've found your flying thing!" It was at least nice to know I wasn't going crazy! And I much prefer a finch to a bat!

Don't worry, there will be plenty more pictures as they grow. And if any homeschool families (oir non-homeschool families at that) want to take a field trip to see them, just let me know!!!

Happy Monday everyone and bring on the spring!