I know I’m behind in my blogging, and I have a bunch floating around in my head. One of the most exciting things that is going on right now is we actually have wedding stuff that is starting to arrive. Things we’ve ordered or finally bought after looking at repeatedly. I’m planning on a blog specifically to chronicle all the fun stuff, but this one particular item was just so special that it deserved its own blog. “What could be so special?” you ask. A couple of weeks ago, Jeremy’s wedding band came in, and it is even more gorgeous than I had even imagined. Now, in order to fully understand why this was such a monumental occasion, I need to step back and start the story at the beginning.
Jay and I have been talking about getting married since not long after we got “together” in May of last year. So when we met up for the first time in 5 ½ years, last August, I brought a special ring with me. I’d ordered it from my favorite catalogue and felt it was perfect for our situation. It was a simple sterling silver band with the words “anam cara” engraved in the outside. “Anam cara” means soul friend or soul mate in Gaelic. I gave it to him to take on his cruise. I wanted him to know that even though he was going to be gone for a long time, that come hell or high water, I would be on that pier to greet him. He loved it and after spending more time with him and seeing the types of jewelry he wore, I knew I’d made the perfect choice.
Now fast forward to our engagement over 8 months later. The ring Jay gave me was literally the most beautiful ring I’d ever seen let alone owned. The shape, color and size are perfect for my hand and skin tone. I knew he’d had me and my preferences in mind when he picked it out and I knew he had spent many months researching and finding the perfect ring. So, the moment he slipped it on my finger, I knew I had my work cut out for me.
We had already made a few stops into jewelry stores to look around (this was during the few weeks between homecoming and our engagement where he was still trying to pretend that he didn’t know anything about a ring or an engagement, hehe). I could tell from the rings he was drawn to that I needed to find something very simple and masculine, yet elegant at the same time. He kept telling me that he wanted something similar to the one I’d already gotten him (which of course made me smile all over again, knowing that I had gotten him something he really liked and felt was true to his style). So, I got it into my head that with the Celtic themed wedding, his love for Irish culture and his enjoyment of the Gaelic ring he already had that I needed to get him a Celtic ring of some sort. And the search began. For weeks if not months, I waded through webpage after webpage of gaudy, two toned and even tri-colored bands with hideous raised braid work. No offense to anyone who loves these rings but I knew my stylish yet simply understated groom would never be comfortable in one.
So, on the verge of giving up the search, I decided to press on just a little longer and did what must have been my one millionth google search for “celtic wedding bands”. This time, out of shear randomness and a blessing from the google gods, I found a new website. The moment it started to load, I knew I’d found my source for his ring. On the front page there were at least 2 bands that I loved and new he would too. As I searched deeper in the list I found even more. I began sending him the jpgs to look at and I could tell even over email that he was very excited at the prospect of wearing one of these rings. The site had so many wonderful options, that it took him a few weeks to narrow down which one he wanted and in what color and finish. But soon after he zeroed in on the one he wanted and after a few days spent agonizing over the special inscription on the inside, I ordered the ring. The really nice thing (among many nice things) was that they offered engraving as a part of the ordering process, so when it came in I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. It would be ready to go.
Within a week or so, I got the email saying it had been shipped and my anxiety level began to rise. I knew that this was a very special gift, one of the most special I would ever give someone and I needed it to be perfect. I feared that since I’d ordered it off the internet that the quality wouldn’t be as good as it looked online and I even had dreams of it coming in with an incorrect inscription. The morning it was to be delivered, I talked with our reception at work and gave her a heads up. So, the moment it arrived she paged me, and I flew down the stairs. I tore into the package right then and there and literally held my breath as I took it out of his bag. …. It was perfect! The quality was even better than I had expected, the edges were rounded like a good men’s ring should be, the knot work engraved on the outside was perfect and the inscription on the inside was exactly what I had wanted. I could not have been happier, and instantly let out a huge sigh of relief!
When I got it home, he was just as impressed as I was and commented on how comfortable it was to wear. I’ve even caught him wearing it a few times, this after he’s yelled at me countless times for wearing my wedding band around the house. One time when he came home from an underway I heard him yell from the upstairs, “Some body’s in TROUBLE!” I instantly froze trying to figure out if he’d asked me to write any checks that I’d forgotten to write or what I had done. When I got up there he said, “If you’re going to wear your wedding band when I’m out of the house, at least put it back in it pseudo hiding place before I get HOME!” We both laughed and laughed and fell into each others arms in giggles.
So now comes the long wait. We have just over 4 months till the wedding (although in wedding terms that’s like a day and a half). We are both so excited to present our rings to the others as well as wear the ones intended for us (without getting yelled at! Hehe!). I knew buying his ring was going to be special for me, but I was still a little surprised at the depth of emotion that struck me when I looked at it for the first time. Jay is my soul mate, my best friend, my confidant, my protector, my love. And there’s nothing I want more than to be his wife. I knew that I would never find a ring that was as perfect as he is, but I knew I had to try. The moment I held his ring, I knew I had come as close to perfection as possible. On our wedding day, I’ll be able to stand there and present him with a ring that I put effort into finding and really represents the essence of who he is, the essence of all the things I love about him. I could never give him anything that even comes close to what he has given me. How do you pay someone back for their love, support, comfort and caring with a piece of jewelry. But if I could it would be with this ring!
Thanks for reading!
Monday, November 5, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
Jay's Got Duty... Time For a New Blog
I had one of the most amazing experiences of my life the other night. Jay and I went to see Nickleback in concert and while snuggled up under Jay's arm, I heard him sing for the first time. Now granted no matter how good of a singer you are no one sounds good when they are singing along at one of those outdoor concerts. The cigarette smoke coupled with all the screaming and woo-hoo'ing is not exactly the best for the vocal chords. However, even with all that, hearing Jay's voice rumble in his chest as he smiled and sang along was one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard and almost brought me to tears. On the surface this reactions seems kind of random, so I'll back up a little (well a lot) and see if I can fill you in.
I've known for a long time that I love family birthdays. It didn't matter if it were mine or one of my brother's, but I love gathering around the kitchen table with my pyro's for brothers lighting a million candles and singing Happy Birthday. It took me a long time to realize that it was hearing my dad sing that made these moments so special. Now my dad has one of the worst voices in the world and birthdays are about the only time you can get him to sing. I processed this a lot during high school and finally realized that it hearkened back to one of the last times in my life where I felt truly safe.
When I was really young my entire family was very religious. We were at the church every time the doors opened and as homeschooled kids we looked forward to snow on Sundays so we could stay home from church and play. What I remember distinctly, though, is being 5 or 6 and my dad holding me in his arms while he bounced me and sang during the worship time. I remember snuggling against his chest and hearing his rumbling voice mix with his strong heart beat. The feeling that elicited, a feeling of being truly safe and completely cared for was soon lost, but for a moment it was very real and firmly planted itself in my psyche.
What I have realized since then is that those feelings were in fact an illusion. I felt safe due to naivety and not reality. Just like teenagers have a sense of invincibility not because it is true but because they haven't seen the brutality that life can deal. It would be many years before I realized that the man who I had drawn such comfort from was actually emotionally and verbally abusive (and physically abusive to my brothers). That same man has now (due to an illness called bipolar disorder) rewritten history in his own head and truly believes himself to be the victim of a large conspiracy instead of the abuser of his family. This caused a secondary wound. The wound caused by not being able to acknowledge the wound of abuse.
So... how did a blog that started out about the most amazing moment of my life get so heavy and depressing? Because if you don't understand the difficult part then the good part isn't as meaningful.
So... fast forward again to the other night. During one of the slower songs, I found myself snuggled in against Jay's chest, and I realized that I could hear HIS voice mixing with HIS strong heart beat, and for the first time in over 20 years, I felt that same sense of safety I felt at age 5... except this time it was a reality. Jay would give his life for mine if needed (as I would for him) but way beyond that he shows his love in a million tiny ways. He shows it in the way he parks across at the next apartment building so that I can have the close parking spot; in the way he reminds me to bring a sweater to Cracker Barrel because he knows I always get cold; in the way he knows what day of the week my favorite restaurant serves the dish I love so much; in the way he can sense when I have the antys and need to get out of the house and when I want to just stay home; in the way he can sense when I'm fighting an anxiety episode and can give me the space and reasurance to overcome it; in the way he sprayed down my khaki's with stain remover after I got them all dirty on the family day cruise; in the way he intently listened to me whether I'm talking about something very important or completely trivial (note that this was one of the traits I feel so in love with over 10 years ago); and simply in general how we always wants me to have the best even if that means that he gets second best.
So, I guess, with my brothers spread out all over the Carolinas, that soon I'll be looking forward to gathering around my kitchen table and hearing Jay sing Happy Birthday to our children (who given our family backgrounds will most likely be pyro's too!) But at least I will know that just like I am, in his arms they will always be truly safe.
Thanks for reading, y'all!
bonnie
I've known for a long time that I love family birthdays. It didn't matter if it were mine or one of my brother's, but I love gathering around the kitchen table with my pyro's for brothers lighting a million candles and singing Happy Birthday. It took me a long time to realize that it was hearing my dad sing that made these moments so special. Now my dad has one of the worst voices in the world and birthdays are about the only time you can get him to sing. I processed this a lot during high school and finally realized that it hearkened back to one of the last times in my life where I felt truly safe.
When I was really young my entire family was very religious. We were at the church every time the doors opened and as homeschooled kids we looked forward to snow on Sundays so we could stay home from church and play. What I remember distinctly, though, is being 5 or 6 and my dad holding me in his arms while he bounced me and sang during the worship time. I remember snuggling against his chest and hearing his rumbling voice mix with his strong heart beat. The feeling that elicited, a feeling of being truly safe and completely cared for was soon lost, but for a moment it was very real and firmly planted itself in my psyche.
What I have realized since then is that those feelings were in fact an illusion. I felt safe due to naivety and not reality. Just like teenagers have a sense of invincibility not because it is true but because they haven't seen the brutality that life can deal. It would be many years before I realized that the man who I had drawn such comfort from was actually emotionally and verbally abusive (and physically abusive to my brothers). That same man has now (due to an illness called bipolar disorder) rewritten history in his own head and truly believes himself to be the victim of a large conspiracy instead of the abuser of his family. This caused a secondary wound. The wound caused by not being able to acknowledge the wound of abuse.
So... how did a blog that started out about the most amazing moment of my life get so heavy and depressing? Because if you don't understand the difficult part then the good part isn't as meaningful.
So... fast forward again to the other night. During one of the slower songs, I found myself snuggled in against Jay's chest, and I realized that I could hear HIS voice mixing with HIS strong heart beat, and for the first time in over 20 years, I felt that same sense of safety I felt at age 5... except this time it was a reality. Jay would give his life for mine if needed (as I would for him) but way beyond that he shows his love in a million tiny ways. He shows it in the way he parks across at the next apartment building so that I can have the close parking spot; in the way he reminds me to bring a sweater to Cracker Barrel because he knows I always get cold; in the way he knows what day of the week my favorite restaurant serves the dish I love so much; in the way he can sense when I have the antys and need to get out of the house and when I want to just stay home; in the way he can sense when I'm fighting an anxiety episode and can give me the space and reasurance to overcome it; in the way he sprayed down my khaki's with stain remover after I got them all dirty on the family day cruise; in the way he intently listened to me whether I'm talking about something very important or completely trivial (note that this was one of the traits I feel so in love with over 10 years ago); and simply in general how we always wants me to have the best even if that means that he gets second best.
So, I guess, with my brothers spread out all over the Carolinas, that soon I'll be looking forward to gathering around my kitchen table and hearing Jay sing Happy Birthday to our children (who given our family backgrounds will most likely be pyro's too!) But at least I will know that just like I am, in his arms they will always be truly safe.
Thanks for reading, y'all!
bonnie
Thursday, August 16, 2007
The Tux Blog
Well, wedding plans are in full swing at the Sluder-Schultz house. As Jay likes to say, "It's all wedding all the time!" But don't let him fool you, he loves it!
This week/weekend, I'm a lonely Navy fiance (hence the blog), but last weekend I had him all to myself! Among many wonderful things we got to do together, some of the time was spent at After Hours formal wear picking out tuxes for the wedding. I find it interesting that he's banned from seeing me in my wedding attire, but I have no such restriction. In fact not only did I get to go, but the store owner directed almost the entire conversation at me and gave me all the final paperwork. I guess it really IS all about the Bride! Hehe! :-)
When I grabbed my camera on the way out the door, Jay groaned and assured me that he would not be required nor able to try on the actual tux, just some standard jackets for sizing purposes. But in anticipation of this blog, I brought my camera anyway figuring I'd at least get some cool shots of the store and Jay talking with the store employees.
When we got there we spent some time looking around and talking about the wedding colors. Jay picked out a gorgeous long jacket that he really liked,
(The middle one.)
And a beautiful vest/tie combo that will look wonderful with out color scheme, and decided to put the guys in a black version of the same thing with Jay in the green so he stands out.
We introduced ourselves to the associate working in the store and told him we had an appointment to get registered for the wedding. It was such a thrill to say for the first time with confidence the date of our wedding! Then the associate started asking Jay about a million and one questions! 4 pleats for 6 on the shirts? Full collar or half pointy thingy? Square toe shoe or regular? Silver cuff links or gold? Good grief! Who knew renting a standard monkey suit required so many decisions! Hehe!
About the time the associate started measuring Jay, the store owner came out. When he saw me there snapping pictures of Jay in his t-shirt, he insisted that they could do much better than that. Within 5-10 minutes he had pulled the jacket, vest and tie off the mannequin and grabbed an extra shirt and pants out of the back. Within 15 minutes, Jay come out of the dressing room in full regalia! And OH DID HE LOOK HANDSOME! I've never actually seen Jay or any other guy I've ever dated in a full tuxedo. I was so impressed! Not that he doesn't normally look good, because he does, but oh man he looked so gorgeous! I was about to pop! I felt like a parent at the school play wanting to yell, "That's my baby! He's marrying ME!"
He stood there for a few minutes and let me oooh and aaah over him while taking pictures.
Note: we decided later to go with the striped green tie instead of the black one he's wearing in the pictures.
Then the store owner showed us all the ways the one measured for Jay would fit better, and then to my chagrin, Jay changed back into regular clothes.
They told us all the in's and out's that we and the groomsmen needed to know, and the we walked out hand in hand for the rest of our weekend together.
I'm constantly amazing at how quickly life can change. This time last year, I was making packing lists for my trip to see Jay after over 5 1/2 years. I was scared to death, knowing that I had just ended a difficult relationship and moved out on my own for the first time in my life, that there was the possibility that Jay and I would see each other and the chemistry wouldn't be there, that even if we did work out that I had an 8 month deployment and a cross country move ahead of me. I truthfully wasn't sure I had the strength! And this time two years ago, I was preparing to fly to North Carolina for a wedding of my sister-in-law who hated me along with her entire family, a husband who wouldn't take up for me, and a relationship I was slowly realizing might never work. The only thing I felt then was trapped.
So, as I walked out of the mall, holding the hand of my soul mate and best friend, I realized once again that sometimes the most wonderful times of your life only come about because of the hardest.
212 days to go! WooHoo!
Thanks for reading y'all,
Bonnie
This week/weekend, I'm a lonely Navy fiance (hence the blog), but last weekend I had him all to myself! Among many wonderful things we got to do together, some of the time was spent at After Hours formal wear picking out tuxes for the wedding. I find it interesting that he's banned from seeing me in my wedding attire, but I have no such restriction. In fact not only did I get to go, but the store owner directed almost the entire conversation at me and gave me all the final paperwork. I guess it really IS all about the Bride! Hehe! :-)
When I grabbed my camera on the way out the door, Jay groaned and assured me that he would not be required nor able to try on the actual tux, just some standard jackets for sizing purposes. But in anticipation of this blog, I brought my camera anyway figuring I'd at least get some cool shots of the store and Jay talking with the store employees.
When we got there we spent some time looking around and talking about the wedding colors. Jay picked out a gorgeous long jacket that he really liked,
(The middle one.)
And a beautiful vest/tie combo that will look wonderful with out color scheme, and decided to put the guys in a black version of the same thing with Jay in the green so he stands out.
We introduced ourselves to the associate working in the store and told him we had an appointment to get registered for the wedding. It was such a thrill to say for the first time with confidence the date of our wedding! Then the associate started asking Jay about a million and one questions! 4 pleats for 6 on the shirts? Full collar or half pointy thingy? Square toe shoe or regular? Silver cuff links or gold? Good grief! Who knew renting a standard monkey suit required so many decisions! Hehe!
About the time the associate started measuring Jay, the store owner came out. When he saw me there snapping pictures of Jay in his t-shirt, he insisted that they could do much better than that. Within 5-10 minutes he had pulled the jacket, vest and tie off the mannequin and grabbed an extra shirt and pants out of the back. Within 15 minutes, Jay come out of the dressing room in full regalia! And OH DID HE LOOK HANDSOME! I've never actually seen Jay or any other guy I've ever dated in a full tuxedo. I was so impressed! Not that he doesn't normally look good, because he does, but oh man he looked so gorgeous! I was about to pop! I felt like a parent at the school play wanting to yell, "That's my baby! He's marrying ME!"
He stood there for a few minutes and let me oooh and aaah over him while taking pictures.
Note: we decided later to go with the striped green tie instead of the black one he's wearing in the pictures.
Then the store owner showed us all the ways the one measured for Jay would fit better, and then to my chagrin, Jay changed back into regular clothes.
They told us all the in's and out's that we and the groomsmen needed to know, and the we walked out hand in hand for the rest of our weekend together.
I'm constantly amazing at how quickly life can change. This time last year, I was making packing lists for my trip to see Jay after over 5 1/2 years. I was scared to death, knowing that I had just ended a difficult relationship and moved out on my own for the first time in my life, that there was the possibility that Jay and I would see each other and the chemistry wouldn't be there, that even if we did work out that I had an 8 month deployment and a cross country move ahead of me. I truthfully wasn't sure I had the strength! And this time two years ago, I was preparing to fly to North Carolina for a wedding of my sister-in-law who hated me along with her entire family, a husband who wouldn't take up for me, and a relationship I was slowly realizing might never work. The only thing I felt then was trapped.
So, as I walked out of the mall, holding the hand of my soul mate and best friend, I realized once again that sometimes the most wonderful times of your life only come about because of the hardest.
212 days to go! WooHoo!
Thanks for reading y'all,
Bonnie
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Reflections on Being a Bride... Again.
I think I've told everyone in the entire world about this, but just in case you didn't know, I'm engaged, which makes me a bride. That word illicit so many images and ideas. Everything from the obnoxious Bridezillas of Utube videos and tv reality shows, to the simplicity of white dresses and veils, to the lavish affairs of Hollywood's stars and royalty. But what does it truly mean to be ... a bride? And more importantly, what does it mean to me?
In the interest of full discloser, I have to admit that this isn't my first time. Six years ago this month, at 23 years old, I had a wedding. I wore a wedding dress and a veil, I walked down the isle and exchanged vows. But though that entire experience, I never felt like a bride. Now, 6 short years later, at 27 years old, from the moment my love got down on one knee and slipped the ring on my finger, I have felt like a bride! What has made the difference and what can I learn about myself from looking back and looking forward?
So many things are different in my life now that it's hard to know where to start. Although 22 isn't young in many circles it was very young for me. Although at the time getting married seemed so "right", now it's so obvious to see the skewed motivations.
I was disparately trying to define myself. I was going through a difficult separation process from a very over baring and controlling father, and the moment I stepped out of the role of "daughter", without any sense of self, I found myself craving the defined role that had always been placed on me. The role of "wife" seemed the logical next step and a lot less scary than floundering around as just "bonnie". On top of that my ex and I were the first in either of our families to openly live together. As the son of a preacher and the daughter of a very religious mother, to say the least it didn't go over very well and contributed to a feeling of needing to get married rather than wanting to get married. I hate to say I got married for money but I was in college, supporting myself completely. Going to school full time and working up to full time at minimum wage jobs, just seemed overwhelming. Two incomes and only one rent seemed to be my only option.
Under these circumstances I was proposed to and accepted. Technically at that moment I became a bride, and even though I had craved the feeling of being one, looking back now, I see I never really walked in the role.
I spent the next 9 months of my life doing everything I could to make sure everyone else was ok. My primary planning partner was my to-be-mother-in-law, who was hosting the whole event at her house due to a huge lack of funds on our parts. We didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things and I felt that since it was her house, she should get the final say. She's also notorious for asking questions in a way that implies the "correct" answer (ie "you don't want to use purple table clothes do you?" when I had just sent her a picture of a purple table cloth I wanted to use.) I ended up with a lovely little ceremony and reception, but it hardly resembled the affair I had wanted. Especially in the fact that I spent the few days before and the day of in knots with people asking me questions like how did I want the lemons cut? (That particular question was asked of me approximately an hour before the wedding was supposed to begin and I had yet to even get in the shower! I almost screamed, I couldn't give a flying fuck how they are cut! Just fucking CUT THEM!) I put most of the chairs out myself in the living room, I cut up bread and picked up the sweet tea the morning of the ceremony and was the last to get into the shower after all my bridesmaids (45 minutes before the ceremony started.) I felt like no one was there to help ME (except for my mom), and truthfully I resented it for many many years. At the end of the day I felt more like a hired hand or a part of the catering staff than I did the bride.
So, here we are again. And everything seems so different. Why is that? Well for one we have a budget that we've created together instead of a budget I decided was what I could put on MY credit card. I don't feel like I'm at the mercy of anyone, or that I'm relying strictly on being in any one person's good graces. I have a fiance who is excited and involved in the planning process and wants this to be everything I've ever dreamed of. But even beyond those external dimensions, I think the biggest factor is internal. This time I believe that I DESERVE to be a bride! I deserve to have one day where I get to be the center of attention. Last time I hesitated to ask anyone for help for fear of annoying them or asking too much. And deep down I didn't feel like I deserved the help anyway. I didn't have enough self esteem to validate my right to be the bride. Maybe that's because I didn't know who the "I" in all those sentences was. Now I've had the opportunity to spend a year on my own. I've developed a great sense of who "I" am and now I can go into this wedding (and marriage) knowing I won't make the same mistakes I did before. Because for me, being a bride is more than white dresses and flowers and veils, it's about having enough self validation to stand up in front of everyone and say, "yes! I DO deserve this! I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be in love. I deserve to have my friends and family come together to celebrate all this with me. I deserve to have people stand up and say nice things about me."
It's amazing how far one can come in just 6 short years.
Thanks for reading,
bonnie
aka the BRIDE!
In the interest of full discloser, I have to admit that this isn't my first time. Six years ago this month, at 23 years old, I had a wedding. I wore a wedding dress and a veil, I walked down the isle and exchanged vows. But though that entire experience, I never felt like a bride. Now, 6 short years later, at 27 years old, from the moment my love got down on one knee and slipped the ring on my finger, I have felt like a bride! What has made the difference and what can I learn about myself from looking back and looking forward?
So many things are different in my life now that it's hard to know where to start. Although 22 isn't young in many circles it was very young for me. Although at the time getting married seemed so "right", now it's so obvious to see the skewed motivations.
I was disparately trying to define myself. I was going through a difficult separation process from a very over baring and controlling father, and the moment I stepped out of the role of "daughter", without any sense of self, I found myself craving the defined role that had always been placed on me. The role of "wife" seemed the logical next step and a lot less scary than floundering around as just "bonnie". On top of that my ex and I were the first in either of our families to openly live together. As the son of a preacher and the daughter of a very religious mother, to say the least it didn't go over very well and contributed to a feeling of needing to get married rather than wanting to get married. I hate to say I got married for money but I was in college, supporting myself completely. Going to school full time and working up to full time at minimum wage jobs, just seemed overwhelming. Two incomes and only one rent seemed to be my only option.
Under these circumstances I was proposed to and accepted. Technically at that moment I became a bride, and even though I had craved the feeling of being one, looking back now, I see I never really walked in the role.
I spent the next 9 months of my life doing everything I could to make sure everyone else was ok. My primary planning partner was my to-be-mother-in-law, who was hosting the whole event at her house due to a huge lack of funds on our parts. We didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things and I felt that since it was her house, she should get the final say. She's also notorious for asking questions in a way that implies the "correct" answer (ie "you don't want to use purple table clothes do you?" when I had just sent her a picture of a purple table cloth I wanted to use.) I ended up with a lovely little ceremony and reception, but it hardly resembled the affair I had wanted. Especially in the fact that I spent the few days before and the day of in knots with people asking me questions like how did I want the lemons cut? (That particular question was asked of me approximately an hour before the wedding was supposed to begin and I had yet to even get in the shower! I almost screamed, I couldn't give a flying fuck how they are cut! Just fucking CUT THEM!) I put most of the chairs out myself in the living room, I cut up bread and picked up the sweet tea the morning of the ceremony and was the last to get into the shower after all my bridesmaids (45 minutes before the ceremony started.) I felt like no one was there to help ME (except for my mom), and truthfully I resented it for many many years. At the end of the day I felt more like a hired hand or a part of the catering staff than I did the bride.
So, here we are again. And everything seems so different. Why is that? Well for one we have a budget that we've created together instead of a budget I decided was what I could put on MY credit card. I don't feel like I'm at the mercy of anyone, or that I'm relying strictly on being in any one person's good graces. I have a fiance who is excited and involved in the planning process and wants this to be everything I've ever dreamed of. But even beyond those external dimensions, I think the biggest factor is internal. This time I believe that I DESERVE to be a bride! I deserve to have one day where I get to be the center of attention. Last time I hesitated to ask anyone for help for fear of annoying them or asking too much. And deep down I didn't feel like I deserved the help anyway. I didn't have enough self esteem to validate my right to be the bride. Maybe that's because I didn't know who the "I" in all those sentences was. Now I've had the opportunity to spend a year on my own. I've developed a great sense of who "I" am and now I can go into this wedding (and marriage) knowing I won't make the same mistakes I did before. Because for me, being a bride is more than white dresses and flowers and veils, it's about having enough self validation to stand up in front of everyone and say, "yes! I DO deserve this! I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be in love. I deserve to have my friends and family come together to celebrate all this with me. I deserve to have people stand up and say nice things about me."
It's amazing how far one can come in just 6 short years.
Thanks for reading,
bonnie
aka the BRIDE!
Sunday, July 29, 2007
I Officially Ordered My Dress Yesterday
Well it's officially! I ordered my wedding dress yesterday! I'm so excited! It's like we're really getting married now! The funny thing is, it's not the dress I thought I'd decided on (which is the one that's been posted here). I kept feeling like I was having to talk myself into that dress. It was definitely my favorite of the ones I tried on at David's Bridal, but it just didn't set right. I wasn't convenced and I'm not like that. I'm usually someone who is like, "OK! Decision made! NEXT!" So, the fact that I hadn't gone to buy it and that I kept looking at other dresses made me think that maybe it wasn't the ONE!
So, I decided to go to a more traditional bridal store. I knew that what I had really been looking at where bridesmaid dresses in white (since i like things very simple and less expensive), but David's Bridal doesn't do any of their bridesmaid dresses in white. Not to mentioned I'd really hated the feeling of being pressured to buy something because I'd taken up the time of the sales woman and she was on commission. I expected even worse when I walked into Traditions Bridal in Newport News. But soon realized I was very wrong. The moment I walked into the almost empty store (opposed to the packed at the seems, sales person helping more than one bride experience at David's Bridal), I was instantly greeted by a very pleasant sales women who asked what she could help me with. I explained that I was having a difficult time finding a dress because I was very simple and really like more bridesmaid dresses in white, but hadn't had any luck finding that. She looked surprised and said that all her bridesmaids dresses came in white and for me to pick any one I liked. She showed me some simple wedding dresses as well but did not push when I said they were still too bling, bling for me.
So I picked out a few dresses, which she quickly took to a dressing room for me (without giving me the feeling that she was suffocating me). She also let me know that they could hem any of the dresses I picked out in the store to tea length so not to feel stuck to only the already tea length. So, I started trying things on. Amazingly most of the samples were in a 10 or 12 so they fit almost perfectly and gave me a great idea of what they would look like. Although with the way my mind works it was a little hard to look at a bright red dress and imagine it in white.
Anyway, I tried on a few and kept getting more and more excited because they were so much closer to what I was looking for. Another saleswoman came by to check on me (because they don't work on commission and aren't territorial of their customers). She asked how things were going. When I said wonderfully, she said, "but you're not coming out! The lighting is much better out here!". When I came out they all owww'd and gooo'd. And then I tried on this one dress and the moment I zipped it up I knew it was THE ONE!
When I walked out I started explaining why it was so perfect. The sales woman said they have a term for that. It's called PNP... Pretty Near Perfect! Hehe.
It had an empire waist with a sash detail that would be similar to the dress the girl's will be wearing. And i felt like a princess! A comfortable princess though! The dress comes floor length with a short sweep in the back. And it has straps already! The one thing I didn't want to do was spend the entire day tugging on a strapless dress! They can hem it for me to tea length when it comes in in October or I can leave it floor length. I'm still trying to decide. I like the idea of the tea length, but I'm afraid that despite Jay's insisting to the contrary in his head he has this image of me coming down the isle in a long white dress.
I think I'll try and get my mom up here when it comes in to help me decide. If I get it hemmed a little then I probably wouldn't mind it being floor length. I just don't want to be kicking it all day long! I want to be able to enjoy my day without thinking, "somebody get me the hell out of this uncomfortable dress!"
It's so me! I love it so much! And I can't wait to wear it to marry my soul mate!
Well.. I'd love opinions on the tea length vs. the floor length. Here's the dress! Except the sash will be in clover green.
And here's the bridesmaid dresses I've picked out.
The girl's will be wearing monogrammed cardigans in clover green which will match the sash on my dress. I'll probably have a brown cardigan as well in case it is chilly that day.
So... what does everyone think???????
Thanks for listening to my wedding ramblings. I love you all!
So, I decided to go to a more traditional bridal store. I knew that what I had really been looking at where bridesmaid dresses in white (since i like things very simple and less expensive), but David's Bridal doesn't do any of their bridesmaid dresses in white. Not to mentioned I'd really hated the feeling of being pressured to buy something because I'd taken up the time of the sales woman and she was on commission. I expected even worse when I walked into Traditions Bridal in Newport News. But soon realized I was very wrong. The moment I walked into the almost empty store (opposed to the packed at the seems, sales person helping more than one bride experience at David's Bridal), I was instantly greeted by a very pleasant sales women who asked what she could help me with. I explained that I was having a difficult time finding a dress because I was very simple and really like more bridesmaid dresses in white, but hadn't had any luck finding that. She looked surprised and said that all her bridesmaids dresses came in white and for me to pick any one I liked. She showed me some simple wedding dresses as well but did not push when I said they were still too bling, bling for me.
So I picked out a few dresses, which she quickly took to a dressing room for me (without giving me the feeling that she was suffocating me). She also let me know that they could hem any of the dresses I picked out in the store to tea length so not to feel stuck to only the already tea length. So, I started trying things on. Amazingly most of the samples were in a 10 or 12 so they fit almost perfectly and gave me a great idea of what they would look like. Although with the way my mind works it was a little hard to look at a bright red dress and imagine it in white.
Anyway, I tried on a few and kept getting more and more excited because they were so much closer to what I was looking for. Another saleswoman came by to check on me (because they don't work on commission and aren't territorial of their customers). She asked how things were going. When I said wonderfully, she said, "but you're not coming out! The lighting is much better out here!". When I came out they all owww'd and gooo'd. And then I tried on this one dress and the moment I zipped it up I knew it was THE ONE!
When I walked out I started explaining why it was so perfect. The sales woman said they have a term for that. It's called PNP... Pretty Near Perfect! Hehe.
It had an empire waist with a sash detail that would be similar to the dress the girl's will be wearing. And i felt like a princess! A comfortable princess though! The dress comes floor length with a short sweep in the back. And it has straps already! The one thing I didn't want to do was spend the entire day tugging on a strapless dress! They can hem it for me to tea length when it comes in in October or I can leave it floor length. I'm still trying to decide. I like the idea of the tea length, but I'm afraid that despite Jay's insisting to the contrary in his head he has this image of me coming down the isle in a long white dress.
I think I'll try and get my mom up here when it comes in to help me decide. If I get it hemmed a little then I probably wouldn't mind it being floor length. I just don't want to be kicking it all day long! I want to be able to enjoy my day without thinking, "somebody get me the hell out of this uncomfortable dress!"
It's so me! I love it so much! And I can't wait to wear it to marry my soul mate!
Well.. I'd love opinions on the tea length vs. the floor length. Here's the dress! Except the sash will be in clover green.
And here's the bridesmaid dresses I've picked out.
The girl's will be wearing monogrammed cardigans in clover green which will match the sash on my dress. I'll probably have a brown cardigan as well in case it is chilly that day.
So... what does everyone think???????
Thanks for listening to my wedding ramblings. I love you all!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Before and After
Well, I got on the scale today and realized that while I've been doing no extreme exercise (other than walking back and forth 11 blocks to work) and eating a lot of crap that I've still lost another 5 lbs. It's amazing what being happy can do to a girl.
When I met my ex, I was 110-115 lbs. Last spring, just 6 years later, I weighed in at 175-180 lbs. When I moved out on my own I dropped my calorie intake and up my exercise and dropped about 10 lbs a month for 4 consecutive months. It was incredible. Now, I'm making a final push before Jay's ship comes in, in about 3 1/2 months, to try and drop the last little bit and tone up these muscles that haven't been worked in years. I'll keep you guys updated but here's a little before and after.
Before: This was taken Easter Sunday morning of 2006
After: This was taken the first week of December 2006
I have to say, I'm pretty damn proud if I do say so myself. WooHoo! But if Jay's coming home with six pack abs, I have to make sure I have my old dancer body back. We'll see how it goes.
bye y'all!
bonnie
When I met my ex, I was 110-115 lbs. Last spring, just 6 years later, I weighed in at 175-180 lbs. When I moved out on my own I dropped my calorie intake and up my exercise and dropped about 10 lbs a month for 4 consecutive months. It was incredible. Now, I'm making a final push before Jay's ship comes in, in about 3 1/2 months, to try and drop the last little bit and tone up these muscles that haven't been worked in years. I'll keep you guys updated but here's a little before and after.
Before: This was taken Easter Sunday morning of 2006
After: This was taken the first week of December 2006
I have to say, I'm pretty damn proud if I do say so myself. WooHoo! But if Jay's coming home with six pack abs, I have to make sure I have my old dancer body back. We'll see how it goes.
bye y'all!
bonnie
Monday, July 9, 2007
My Dad Isn't Coming To the Wedding
Yep. You read right. As of today, my dad has declined my invitation to attend my wedding.
Ok... a little back ground. I've done this before. And at my first wedding my dad wasn't invited at all. He had made it extremely clear that he did not approve of my choice, that he did not like my in-laws and he has a track record of being explosive and violent. I had nightmares of coming around the corner and finding him yelling at my new father-in-law! Also, my dad and I had gotten into a fight about 6 months before the wedding and he had said that he didn't want to talk with me until I apologized. It was the hardest decision I ever made. My wedding was also right about the time that he and my mom's divorce was almost final and he was getting ready to marry the woman he was screwing before my mom officially left. What did he say... He said he'd catch me on the next one.
Well, that comment hurt like hell, but you know, life goes on. My dad and I have "made up" which involved me beginning to contact him and act like nothing ever happened and him acting like the "bigger" person because he was forgiving me for whatever ills I had done to him without insisting on an apology. We sort of talked about the whole thing one time and he acted like he was so sorry that he had put me in that position and that he understood that I wasn't punishing him but protecting my family and new family.
So, when my marriage broke up (which was the second hardest decision I ever made partly because I knew my dad would say, I told you so), I reached out to my dad and one of the first things he said, was, "I told you I'd catch you on the next one." This time I sucked it up and laughed it off.
So a few weeks ago, I was in Charlotte near where my dad lives for Jay's leave and Jay and I had dinner with him. He asked when we were getting married and I told him soon. He said, "I told you I'd catch you on the next one. I just hope I'm going to have a freaking prominent roll in the wedding maybe the preacher." It wasn't the first time he'd talked about having a prominent role. He'd mentioned walking me down the isle before and always spoke of it as if it were his right as the father.
Well, Father's Day came around and we had a huge fight. It started when I stuck to my guns on a small issue and he didn't take it very well. When I began to cry he said he was sorry that something so small would make me cry. I told him it didn't have anything to do with what we were fighting over and told him that his comment about catching me on the next one hurt me so badly that I cried for days over it. Well, instead of saying he was sorry I was hurt or getting me a tissue or comforting me or anything. Instead he had a full on melt down. He screamed, I screamed. it was the first time I stood up for myself, through the overwhelming sobs that is. Well, eventually my dad said that we were done and that he recommended Jay and I go back to Charlotte (we were planning on staying the night). While we were packing up and leaving he said that he hoped my relationship with Jay tempered me.
Two nights later, the love of my life asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. It was the most wonderful and exciting night of my life and because of what had happened I didn't feel comfortable including my dad in my mass text announcement. So, because of what had happened he missed out, for the second time, on being one of the first to know about my engagement.
I figured I might as well take advantage of the drama. So, when I came home I waited a couple of weeks and sent an email telling him that as hard as it was to tell him this, I did not want him to walk me down the isle. I didn't go into why, I only said that this was something I needed to do for me. I tried to give him a half way mark. I told him he could be an usher, part of the photography team or simply be sat with the other parents. OR he could choose to not participate, but that would be HIS choice and not MINE.
It didn't take long to get a response, only about 50 minutes. Just long enough for him to type out an angry email via the hunt and peck typing method. It basically said that he was going to decline the invitation (plus a bunch of other hurtful things).
I don't know what to do with all this. It just hurts so bad, and Jay's not here to hold me. My brother stayed the night last night to help me with this first underway, so he was here to help me process everything this morning and I am so thankful for that. But now that he's gone and the house is empty I find myself crying off and on. I'm sitting here watching Army Wives which is one of my favorite shows and I keep crying over one of the women's husband's being deployed or a wounded husband's return to his wife. I was doing really well with this first underway, seeing it as a time to myself, a time to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. A time to catch up on phone calls to my friends. But now, I just want to stomp my feet and throw a 5 year old fit. It's just not fair. I need him and he needs to be here. I hope he never reads this, but I feel so abandoned right now. My dad refuses to be in my life and as much as he'd want to be here Jay's not able to be.
I've been trying to figure out why it hurts so bad and why it's so hard to just let my dad slip out of my life at his own request. I was at a wedding a few years ago and the father of the bride was the officiant. When he pronounced them Husband and Wife you could tell he was fighting back the tears. I couldn't get out of that church fast enough. First chance I got, I ran out to the parking lot, plopped down on a cement divider in my tea length black cocktail dress and my stiletto heals and called my mom. She could hardly understand me through the uncontrollable sobs. It hurt so bad that my dad wasn't at my first wedding. And I find myself grieving over my dad not walking me down the isle at this wedding, let alone not even attending this one. And although Randy Sluder most likely would have been at my first wedding if I'd asked him to be and he would certainly walk me down the isle this time, truthfully it doesn't help. And I finally figured out why. The bottom line is that I'm overwhelmingly sad to admit that I really do not have a dad. I have a man who contributed to half my genes, but that doesn't make him a father. And it will never make him a father. So tonight, for the first time, here in my bed... alone... I have to admit that although my biological father is living, although I know his phone number, address and email, I'm a girl planning a wedding without a vital part... a daddy to walk her down the isle and to dance with and to give her new husband a loving but firm talking to about always taking care of his daughter. If he couldn't take care of me, how could he ever expect anyone else to.
god... this just hurts so bad...
Update: After a few months my dad changed his mind and decided to participate on my terms. It made for a slightly more stressful day, but I'm glad he was included.
Ok... a little back ground. I've done this before. And at my first wedding my dad wasn't invited at all. He had made it extremely clear that he did not approve of my choice, that he did not like my in-laws and he has a track record of being explosive and violent. I had nightmares of coming around the corner and finding him yelling at my new father-in-law! Also, my dad and I had gotten into a fight about 6 months before the wedding and he had said that he didn't want to talk with me until I apologized. It was the hardest decision I ever made. My wedding was also right about the time that he and my mom's divorce was almost final and he was getting ready to marry the woman he was screwing before my mom officially left. What did he say... He said he'd catch me on the next one.
Well, that comment hurt like hell, but you know, life goes on. My dad and I have "made up" which involved me beginning to contact him and act like nothing ever happened and him acting like the "bigger" person because he was forgiving me for whatever ills I had done to him without insisting on an apology. We sort of talked about the whole thing one time and he acted like he was so sorry that he had put me in that position and that he understood that I wasn't punishing him but protecting my family and new family.
So, when my marriage broke up (which was the second hardest decision I ever made partly because I knew my dad would say, I told you so), I reached out to my dad and one of the first things he said, was, "I told you I'd catch you on the next one." This time I sucked it up and laughed it off.
So a few weeks ago, I was in Charlotte near where my dad lives for Jay's leave and Jay and I had dinner with him. He asked when we were getting married and I told him soon. He said, "I told you I'd catch you on the next one. I just hope I'm going to have a freaking prominent roll in the wedding maybe the preacher." It wasn't the first time he'd talked about having a prominent role. He'd mentioned walking me down the isle before and always spoke of it as if it were his right as the father.
Well, Father's Day came around and we had a huge fight. It started when I stuck to my guns on a small issue and he didn't take it very well. When I began to cry he said he was sorry that something so small would make me cry. I told him it didn't have anything to do with what we were fighting over and told him that his comment about catching me on the next one hurt me so badly that I cried for days over it. Well, instead of saying he was sorry I was hurt or getting me a tissue or comforting me or anything. Instead he had a full on melt down. He screamed, I screamed. it was the first time I stood up for myself, through the overwhelming sobs that is. Well, eventually my dad said that we were done and that he recommended Jay and I go back to Charlotte (we were planning on staying the night). While we were packing up and leaving he said that he hoped my relationship with Jay tempered me.
Two nights later, the love of my life asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. It was the most wonderful and exciting night of my life and because of what had happened I didn't feel comfortable including my dad in my mass text announcement. So, because of what had happened he missed out, for the second time, on being one of the first to know about my engagement.
I figured I might as well take advantage of the drama. So, when I came home I waited a couple of weeks and sent an email telling him that as hard as it was to tell him this, I did not want him to walk me down the isle. I didn't go into why, I only said that this was something I needed to do for me. I tried to give him a half way mark. I told him he could be an usher, part of the photography team or simply be sat with the other parents. OR he could choose to not participate, but that would be HIS choice and not MINE.
It didn't take long to get a response, only about 50 minutes. Just long enough for him to type out an angry email via the hunt and peck typing method. It basically said that he was going to decline the invitation (plus a bunch of other hurtful things).
I don't know what to do with all this. It just hurts so bad, and Jay's not here to hold me. My brother stayed the night last night to help me with this first underway, so he was here to help me process everything this morning and I am so thankful for that. But now that he's gone and the house is empty I find myself crying off and on. I'm sitting here watching Army Wives which is one of my favorite shows and I keep crying over one of the women's husband's being deployed or a wounded husband's return to his wife. I was doing really well with this first underway, seeing it as a time to myself, a time to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. A time to catch up on phone calls to my friends. But now, I just want to stomp my feet and throw a 5 year old fit. It's just not fair. I need him and he needs to be here. I hope he never reads this, but I feel so abandoned right now. My dad refuses to be in my life and as much as he'd want to be here Jay's not able to be.
I've been trying to figure out why it hurts so bad and why it's so hard to just let my dad slip out of my life at his own request. I was at a wedding a few years ago and the father of the bride was the officiant. When he pronounced them Husband and Wife you could tell he was fighting back the tears. I couldn't get out of that church fast enough. First chance I got, I ran out to the parking lot, plopped down on a cement divider in my tea length black cocktail dress and my stiletto heals and called my mom. She could hardly understand me through the uncontrollable sobs. It hurt so bad that my dad wasn't at my first wedding. And I find myself grieving over my dad not walking me down the isle at this wedding, let alone not even attending this one. And although Randy Sluder most likely would have been at my first wedding if I'd asked him to be and he would certainly walk me down the isle this time, truthfully it doesn't help. And I finally figured out why. The bottom line is that I'm overwhelmingly sad to admit that I really do not have a dad. I have a man who contributed to half my genes, but that doesn't make him a father. And it will never make him a father. So tonight, for the first time, here in my bed... alone... I have to admit that although my biological father is living, although I know his phone number, address and email, I'm a girl planning a wedding without a vital part... a daddy to walk her down the isle and to dance with and to give her new husband a loving but firm talking to about always taking care of his daughter. If he couldn't take care of me, how could he ever expect anyone else to.
god... this just hurts so bad...
Update: After a few months my dad changed his mind and decided to participate on my terms. It made for a slightly more stressful day, but I'm glad he was included.
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