Baby Stafford is really starting to grow!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
But You Can't Compare Apples and Oranges (Week 15)
Or can you...
In just 10 very short weeks (unless you were this impatient pregnant women, then it feels like a lifetime and a half!!) my little Butter Bean has grown from approximately .13 inches, or about the size of an apple seed to approximately FOUR inches, or about the size of a navel orange! How amazing is that?!?!?!
So what's up with baby this week:
So what's up with baby this week:
"Continuing the march towards normal proportions, baby's legs now outmeasure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably still can't feel the movements. "
So what's going on with me:
This week was a pretty good one. I'm throwing up less, but taking more Zofran to keep the nausea at bay which causes other uncomfortable symptoms but at least it doesn't make me all anxious and worried that I'm going to need to throw up and not be able to get to a bathroom. The anxiety of which just makes me more nauseous of course! I think I'm about to figure out that it's because I'm not eating enough and often enough and not getting enough liquids. I'm trying to increase all of those. The Campbells "sippy soups" as I like to call them, the ones with the lid that you can drink instead of having to eat with a spoon have become my lifeline at work. They heat up quickly and I can eat them while I work, and I feel like I'm getting a little more substance than just pretzels or crackers.
This past weekend was awesome! I bought side tables and a coffee table off craigslist right before finding out I was pregnant. Well, needless to say I have not had the energy to sand and paint them since then, plus it's been like 400,000 degrees here... or raining, one or the other ever since. This past weekend, the temps were going to be in the mid 80's so Jay and I decided to tackle the project so that we could make the side tables stop randomly hanging out in odd places around our house. No really, one was stuck by our kitchen table in a corner and the other was in the corner in my craft room/office. I took pictures during the different stages, and plan to post that later in the week or this weekend once they have fully dried and I've put them in their rightful places. But to put everyone's mind at ease... I wore a mask while we both painted and sanded and I insisted on purchasing low odor, no VOC paint. The paint worked great other than being true to the reviews I'd read online which stated that it was watery. It took an extra coat and the coffee table which we painted black could have really used a third coat, but it's just for my house and I'm happy with it, so there!
I am solidly into maternity pants now, and so thankful for the ones my childhood BFF's sister gave me! I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have those to pull from. I'm enjoying the excuse to celebrate my expanding waist line instead of cursing it. Although I'm still keeping an eye on my weight. As of right now, and according to my scale at home, I have maintained the weight I was at when I found out I was pregnant, which means I've gained a lb since last week. As I start feeling better, which hopefully will be very soon, I will really need to start focusing on eating healthy foods. Right now I've been eating whatever sounds good and doesn't make me nauseous. A good friend told me that between 14 and 16 weeks was when she really started feeling less nauseous. Thank goodness!
Went to the psychiatrist on Friday. He said other than some heightened anxiety, he thought I seemed to be doing very well. And unfortunately heightened anxiety is a fact of life when I'm off my medication. Thankfully, I seem to be able to manage it at the moment. He doesn't see a need to see me for 6 weeks which is a good sign. He said that I might just be one of those lucky ones that find the heightened hormones from pregnancy actually help balance them out. We'll, see. Again we discussed the one week rule. Any drastic swings (up or down) that last for more than a week need to be reported to him. I did ask him about Postpartum Depression and whether I was at a higher risk because of my history. He said that because PPD is different than the chemical imbalance I have, I was at no higher risk than anyone else. But one of the positive things about having a depressive disorder is being familiar with the symptoms, I will see the signs of major depression a lot faster than someone who has never experienced it before and we already know what medication works for me. Unfortunately, that will mean I cannot breastfeed anymore which is very important to me, so we will just have to weigh the pros and cons at that time. But for now, I'm thankful for the sanity I seem to be managing to hold onto.
Jay is doing well. Settling in more and more to the idea of being a daddy. I think he's still scared out of his mind, but he's very excited too. He loves to rub my belly and talk to the baby. He always includes the baby when he tells me he loves me/us. I think he's a little jealous sometimes that I get to spend all day with the baby. I know he'll feel that way when I start feeling the baby moving more.
My next appointment with the Midwife is two weeks from Friday. It should be pretty uneventful, so Jay is going to skip it. My mom is going to come with me though, so that she can hear the heartbeat first hand. I am still very tempted to get a home doppler so I can listen to the heartbeat all the time, but I know in just a couple of weeks the baby will be moving and I'll be able to connect with him that way. Also, I've heard and the midwife confirmed that the noise from the dopplers and unltrasound machines doesn't sound good to the babies. When they get bigger you can see them moving around in the belly to get away from the doppler. So, I guess it's probably better that I don't get one.
Monday is my birthday, and I'm so excited to be sharing it with my Butter Bean, even if it means I won't be partying it up to make up for my not-so-awesome 30th birthday last year. Jay keeps asking me what I want for my birthday and I keep thinking that this little baby is by far the best gift I've ever gotten. Of course I didn't tell him that but instead told him I wanted a Very Bradley messenger bag that I can use as a diaper bag when the baby gets here, but still. ;-) Hehe. Here it is if anyone is interested. And I know you are!
That is one of Vera's newest prints titled Sittin' in a Tree and I already have the matching wallet. Still not exactly sure what we're going to do to celebrate on Monday but as my present my mom is taking me to the beach in a couple of weeks. It's just going to be a quick day trip but my childhood BFF is going with us and my bestie will meet up with us on the way down there! I can't wait! I can't think of a better gift than time spent with some of my favorite women and a look at the Atlantic ocean... and lunch in Calabash, SC home of Calabash shrimp! Woohoo! Can't wait.
Hope everyone is having a great week so far! I'll be taking a belly shot after work and will upload that later. Have a great day!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
When Life Gives you a Lemon...
... You must be 14 weeks pregnant! Woohoo! I can't believe it. The time seems to have really started picking up in the last couple of weeks. Maybe that's because I'm feeling a little better, not back to "normal" by any means but better. So, what's up with the Butter Bean this week?
"This week your baby's well-defined face can also make expressions like a squint or a frown. Some babies may even start growing hair on the head or the face, such as eyebrows. If your baby is a girl her eggs will have already developed inside her ovaries. If you're having a boy, his prostate gland is developing."
This past week was very exciting! We had our second appointment with the midwife and were able to hear the Butter Bean's heartbeat (full story here), and then yesterday I SWEAR I felt the baby move. Now yes I know it might have been a gas bubble (adorable I know) or who knows what else since your entire digestive system goes wacky when you get pregnant, but it felt exactly like the experiences of other girls on my board.
Jay and I were laying on the couch and I was telling him about some of the girls having felt the baby for the first time. Now, most of them are a couple weeks further along than I am (since it's a board for girls due in Feb of 2011) or having multiples, but I swear I felt him! It was right below my belly button in the center of my stomach and felt like a cricket running across the inside of my belly. My mouth flew right open and I sat up straight! It was so incredible! I must have laid back down for a half an hour with my hands on my stomach saying, "Come on baby! Do it again!" but nothing. Oh well. All in due time. Jay told me I should probably enjoy it because pretty soon the baby will take up residence between my ribcage and my bladder and I'll be begging him to give me a break from all the moving around. :-) I can't wait!
I bought more maternity clothes this weekend. I seem to have popped out a little bump in the last few days. I can still wear my pants below the bump (although that's becoming less comfortable) but my non-maternity tops are starting to become too short and I was getting tired of fighting with them all day. So, Jay and I went to Destination Maternity and got a bunch of tops on sale. Below you will find my very first "belly shot" picture! Now it's kind of hard for me to look at it since I've been trying to camouflage a definitely-not-flat belly for a while, but I figured if I didn't start taking pictures soon then I'd never be able to see any progress so here goes! I'm sucking in as hard as I can, and have to figure out how to take a non-blurry picture one handed while sucking in for my life but trying not to look constipated because of it! Hehe. I'm taking solence in the fact that I actually lost 2 lbs in the first trimester, so any expansion has to be the baby!
Physically, I'm doing pretty well. Still have some nausea and vomiting every once in a while but thankfully I have the prescription for Zofran that my midwife gave me a few weeks back so I pop one of those if it gets too bad. I'm finding it very hard to keep down the first meal of the day on weekend days. I don't know if it's because I sleep later on weekends or eat differently or what but it seems like no matter what I do, the first thing I eat on a weekend day is going to come back up. It's kind of annoying since we are usually busy running errands or hanging with friends on the weekend. Oh well. Hopefully now that we are solidly in the second trimester it will get better.
I am getting more energy back and very excited about that! Jay and I will be sanding and painting a couple of pieces of furniture this weekend and I'm very excited about it! Looks like it's going to be the perfect weekend for it. And before anyone freaks out, I am going to get a mask and may buy ecofriendly paint (even though we have some left over from the last thing we painted and it's the right shade). Since it's not going in the baby's room I'm not too worried about it other than the actual painting part. Anything we put in the baby's room however, will be painted with low-VOC eco-friendly paint.
Looking forward, our next appointment with the midwife is on Sept. 17th. At that one we will be able to make the appointment for the anatomy scan which will (among a bunch of other things) tell us whether our Butter Bean is a McKinley Jeremiah or Olivia Louise! I can't wait!
Happy Wednesday everyone! Hope your week is going well!
"This week your baby's well-defined face can also make expressions like a squint or a frown. Some babies may even start growing hair on the head or the face, such as eyebrows. If your baby is a girl her eggs will have already developed inside her ovaries. If you're having a boy, his prostate gland is developing."
This past week was very exciting! We had our second appointment with the midwife and were able to hear the Butter Bean's heartbeat (full story here), and then yesterday I SWEAR I felt the baby move. Now yes I know it might have been a gas bubble (adorable I know) or who knows what else since your entire digestive system goes wacky when you get pregnant, but it felt exactly like the experiences of other girls on my board.
Jay and I were laying on the couch and I was telling him about some of the girls having felt the baby for the first time. Now, most of them are a couple weeks further along than I am (since it's a board for girls due in Feb of 2011) or having multiples, but I swear I felt him! It was right below my belly button in the center of my stomach and felt like a cricket running across the inside of my belly. My mouth flew right open and I sat up straight! It was so incredible! I must have laid back down for a half an hour with my hands on my stomach saying, "Come on baby! Do it again!" but nothing. Oh well. All in due time. Jay told me I should probably enjoy it because pretty soon the baby will take up residence between my ribcage and my bladder and I'll be begging him to give me a break from all the moving around. :-) I can't wait!
I bought more maternity clothes this weekend. I seem to have popped out a little bump in the last few days. I can still wear my pants below the bump (although that's becoming less comfortable) but my non-maternity tops are starting to become too short and I was getting tired of fighting with them all day. So, Jay and I went to Destination Maternity and got a bunch of tops on sale. Below you will find my very first "belly shot" picture! Now it's kind of hard for me to look at it since I've been trying to camouflage a definitely-not-flat belly for a while, but I figured if I didn't start taking pictures soon then I'd never be able to see any progress so here goes! I'm sucking in as hard as I can, and have to figure out how to take a non-blurry picture one handed while sucking in for my life but trying not to look constipated because of it! Hehe. I'm taking solence in the fact that I actually lost 2 lbs in the first trimester, so any expansion has to be the baby!
Physically, I'm doing pretty well. Still have some nausea and vomiting every once in a while but thankfully I have the prescription for Zofran that my midwife gave me a few weeks back so I pop one of those if it gets too bad. I'm finding it very hard to keep down the first meal of the day on weekend days. I don't know if it's because I sleep later on weekends or eat differently or what but it seems like no matter what I do, the first thing I eat on a weekend day is going to come back up. It's kind of annoying since we are usually busy running errands or hanging with friends on the weekend. Oh well. Hopefully now that we are solidly in the second trimester it will get better.
I am getting more energy back and very excited about that! Jay and I will be sanding and painting a couple of pieces of furniture this weekend and I'm very excited about it! Looks like it's going to be the perfect weekend for it. And before anyone freaks out, I am going to get a mask and may buy ecofriendly paint (even though we have some left over from the last thing we painted and it's the right shade). Since it's not going in the baby's room I'm not too worried about it other than the actual painting part. Anything we put in the baby's room however, will be painted with low-VOC eco-friendly paint.
Looking forward, our next appointment with the midwife is on Sept. 17th. At that one we will be able to make the appointment for the anatomy scan which will (among a bunch of other things) tell us whether our Butter Bean is a McKinley Jeremiah or Olivia Louise! I can't wait!
Happy Wednesday everyone! Hope your week is going well!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
The most beautiful sound in the world!
We heard it! THE BABY'S HEARTBEAT! It was the most incredible sound I've ever heard and I totally cried. In fact, I tear up every time I think about the experience, but that may be due to all the lovely pregnancy hormones. I cry at anything and everything now, both good and bad. But anyway...
I have been super anxious to hear the heartbeat because other than peeing on stuff and in cups for the past few months, I've had no other confirmation that we were pregnant. I know, I know, I'm horribly impatient, but I was really beginning to worry about miscarrying since a couple of the girls on my online message board had lost their babies recently. Also at my 8ish week appt, the midwife had comment on how small my uterus felt during the internal exam. She clarified very quickly that it was appropriately small but still, I was scared to death that the baby had stopped growing.
So after Jay and I talked to the nurse and then we talked to the midwife about the questions I had accumulated over the last few weeks, she asked me if there was anything else I was worried about. I told her that I was only worried that something was wrong with the baby since I hadn't heard the heartbeat yet. She told me to jump up on the table and we'd take care of that right then.
I knew that sometimes it could take awhile to find the heartbeat even with a perfectly healthy baby. So, I was preparing myself for that. She pushed on my stomach and I asked her if she could feel my uterus since I had not been able to feel it yet. As she was pulling out the doppler she said, "It's still kind of hard to feel it, but I feel it more on this side so that's where we're going to... OH! There it is!" And there it was! Almost immediately! The most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life! The sound of my baby's heartbeat! My little Butter Bean knew that I needed some reassurance and made sure to make himself easy to find. He's not even here yet and he's helping calm his poor neurotic mama!
Jay was able to record it on the voice recorder on his phone, and although I can text the file to people, I haven't been able to figure out how to convert it into an mpg file so I can upload it anywhere. I may have to do some more research before my next appointment so eventually I can put it up here on the blog. I am fully aware though, that Jay and I (and possibly his mom and my mom) are the only ones who really think it's as cool as it is, but still. And that didn't stop me from subjecting all my friends to the recording all weekend! Hey, that's what friends are for right, sharing in your joy even when they don't find it nearly as interesting as you do. :-)
Everything else looks good too! My records were successfully transferred from my old OB office to the Midwife's office. They went over the blood work done at my last OB appointment and the midwife said everything looked great. I'm Rh+ so that means I won't have to worry about blood type issues between me and the baby. My blood pressure was nice and low, which was a huge load off my mind seeing that I had gotten a normal reading at my psychiatrist's office (blood pressure should and had been running low the entire pregnancy) and then during a health fair at work, I got a high reading and about lost it! I'm sure those were both due to me trying to detox off my psyc meds. I'm so thankful to know that it is back to normal, for the pregnancy at least.
I'm also still doing quite well off my psyc medication. I'm not on the 6th day without the anti-depressant, which probably explains the crying issues. Hum. Anyway, I am feeling just the slightest bit of vertigo every once in a while, but nothing that disrupts my life. Hopefully, even that will go away soon. And we will be able to spend the rest of this pregnancy drug free. My midwife did say that she was not happy that my psychiatrist had taken me off the meds so quickly and made me feel like it was life or death. She said that if I need the anti-depressant especially, that she wouldn't think twice about putting me back on. That reassurance is definitely nice to know going forward but I'm really hoping to be able to get through the pregnancy without the meds, and even beyond because if I'm on them meds, it means I can't breastfeed which is very, very important to me!
I lost 2 lbs since my last appointment, but because of my weight and the fact that I just finished the first trimester they weren't too concerned. I should start putting on more weight soon though. My goal is probably around 15 lbs for the pregnancy. I hope I can stay close to that. Hopefully, I'll be able to eat more soon and that means I'll have to make sure that I'm eating good food and not just fast food and junk.
Well, Happy Monday everyone! Hope y'all had a wonderful weekend!
I have been super anxious to hear the heartbeat because other than peeing on stuff and in cups for the past few months, I've had no other confirmation that we were pregnant. I know, I know, I'm horribly impatient, but I was really beginning to worry about miscarrying since a couple of the girls on my online message board had lost their babies recently. Also at my 8ish week appt, the midwife had comment on how small my uterus felt during the internal exam. She clarified very quickly that it was appropriately small but still, I was scared to death that the baby had stopped growing.
So after Jay and I talked to the nurse and then we talked to the midwife about the questions I had accumulated over the last few weeks, she asked me if there was anything else I was worried about. I told her that I was only worried that something was wrong with the baby since I hadn't heard the heartbeat yet. She told me to jump up on the table and we'd take care of that right then.
I knew that sometimes it could take awhile to find the heartbeat even with a perfectly healthy baby. So, I was preparing myself for that. She pushed on my stomach and I asked her if she could feel my uterus since I had not been able to feel it yet. As she was pulling out the doppler she said, "It's still kind of hard to feel it, but I feel it more on this side so that's where we're going to... OH! There it is!" And there it was! Almost immediately! The most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life! The sound of my baby's heartbeat! My little Butter Bean knew that I needed some reassurance and made sure to make himself easy to find. He's not even here yet and he's helping calm his poor neurotic mama!
Jay was able to record it on the voice recorder on his phone, and although I can text the file to people, I haven't been able to figure out how to convert it into an mpg file so I can upload it anywhere. I may have to do some more research before my next appointment so eventually I can put it up here on the blog. I am fully aware though, that Jay and I (and possibly his mom and my mom) are the only ones who really think it's as cool as it is, but still. And that didn't stop me from subjecting all my friends to the recording all weekend! Hey, that's what friends are for right, sharing in your joy even when they don't find it nearly as interesting as you do. :-)
Everything else looks good too! My records were successfully transferred from my old OB office to the Midwife's office. They went over the blood work done at my last OB appointment and the midwife said everything looked great. I'm Rh+ so that means I won't have to worry about blood type issues between me and the baby. My blood pressure was nice and low, which was a huge load off my mind seeing that I had gotten a normal reading at my psychiatrist's office (blood pressure should and had been running low the entire pregnancy) and then during a health fair at work, I got a high reading and about lost it! I'm sure those were both due to me trying to detox off my psyc meds. I'm so thankful to know that it is back to normal, for the pregnancy at least.
I'm also still doing quite well off my psyc medication. I'm not on the 6th day without the anti-depressant, which probably explains the crying issues. Hum. Anyway, I am feeling just the slightest bit of vertigo every once in a while, but nothing that disrupts my life. Hopefully, even that will go away soon. And we will be able to spend the rest of this pregnancy drug free. My midwife did say that she was not happy that my psychiatrist had taken me off the meds so quickly and made me feel like it was life or death. She said that if I need the anti-depressant especially, that she wouldn't think twice about putting me back on. That reassurance is definitely nice to know going forward but I'm really hoping to be able to get through the pregnancy without the meds, and even beyond because if I'm on them meds, it means I can't breastfeed which is very, very important to me!
I lost 2 lbs since my last appointment, but because of my weight and the fact that I just finished the first trimester they weren't too concerned. I should start putting on more weight soon though. My goal is probably around 15 lbs for the pregnancy. I hope I can stay close to that. Hopefully, I'll be able to eat more soon and that means I'll have to make sure that I'm eating good food and not just fast food and junk.
Well, Happy Monday everyone! Hope y'all had a wonderful weekend!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Baby Heartbeat Day!!!
Today is officially Baby Heartbeat Day!!! Woohoo!!! After almost 5 weeks since my last appointment with the midwife, I can't believe it's here! I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself, and have no idea how I'll get through work today! I have 4 1/2 hours until I leave for my appointment. Yesterday, I even played with the voice recorder app on my phone, so that when we locate the heartbeat, I'll be able to record it and listen to it all the time!
Today is also a big day because it's day 3 without any meds. After dropping down from 20 milligrams to 10 and then to 5 over the course of a few weeks, I decided to take a chance on Wednesday morning and didn't take the pill at all. Since I was already cutting the pills in quarters it was pretty much impossible to drop the dose any further without getting another prescription. I'm doing surprisingly well. No nausea or vomiting. I can feel the vertigo but it's not overwhelming or disruptive like it was before. So, hopefully, this will mean that by the time I go to see the psychiatrist on Tuesday I'll be completely off all my meds! Woohoo! And the funny thing is... I SLEEP! I haven't slept in years! It's amazing to be able to go to sleep without the help of pharmaceuticals and sleep through the night. I have been having very weird dreams but from what I'm reading on some of my pregnancy message boards, that's not unusual.
And lastly, today, while wrestling with a regular shirt, I realized why maternity shirts are so long. Besides covering a preggo belly, they have to cover the waist band of your maternity pants since they all have elastic and look like kid pants or clown pants or pants your grandmother use to wear (and those aren't event he "full panel" ones)! But the pants are so darn comfy that you don't give a crap!! Hehe! I may never wear regular pants again!
Happy Friday everyone! Less than 4 hours now! Yay!!!
Today is also a big day because it's day 3 without any meds. After dropping down from 20 milligrams to 10 and then to 5 over the course of a few weeks, I decided to take a chance on Wednesday morning and didn't take the pill at all. Since I was already cutting the pills in quarters it was pretty much impossible to drop the dose any further without getting another prescription. I'm doing surprisingly well. No nausea or vomiting. I can feel the vertigo but it's not overwhelming or disruptive like it was before. So, hopefully, this will mean that by the time I go to see the psychiatrist on Tuesday I'll be completely off all my meds! Woohoo! And the funny thing is... I SLEEP! I haven't slept in years! It's amazing to be able to go to sleep without the help of pharmaceuticals and sleep through the night. I have been having very weird dreams but from what I'm reading on some of my pregnancy message boards, that's not unusual.
And lastly, today, while wrestling with a regular shirt, I realized why maternity shirts are so long. Besides covering a preggo belly, they have to cover the waist band of your maternity pants since they all have elastic and look like kid pants or clown pants or pants your grandmother use to wear (and those aren't event he "full panel" ones)! But the pants are so darn comfy that you don't give a crap!! Hehe! I may never wear regular pants again!
Happy Friday everyone! Less than 4 hours now! Yay!!!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Feeling much better...
I'm feeling much better today! Thank goodness! Yesterday was hard. I had my first bi-polar down swing. But the important thing is... I came out the other side, and in less than 24 hours! To some this may seem like just a bad day and nothing to worry about. But when you've dealt with clinical depression, and especially bi-polar disorder, you become hyper sensitive to any variation in mood.
I am constantly on the look out for swings. Constantly terrified of slipping back into old habits. Constantly anticipating the darkness that has overwhelmed so many times before. So, knowing that this one passed, was like finding a life raft in the middle of the ocean.
The middle of the ocean... that's actually exactly how it feels. Being in a down swing feels like drowning. I lose all point of reference. Like being trapped in a rip current, you lose orientation so badly that you don't know which way to the surface. You might expend all your energy just to find out that you have been swimming deeper and deeper under instead of towards the surface. All I know at the time is that the feelings are overwhelming, but I have no idea if they are proportional.
And you don't know who to trust. The person you've attributed the negative feelings to often tells you, you are blowing things out of proportion. But over the years, people in my life have used my illness to trivialize my legitimate feelings... first my dad, then my ex-husband. When that happens it causes you to doubt things even more. On the flip side, often times your friends and family see their loved one in pain and just want to make it stop, so they suggest drastic measures.
I think what I've learned through this first down swing, is to handle them like I did the down times during Jay's deployment. I found very early on in that experience that the harder I fought the loneliness and anxiety the stronger it got. But if I would find a quiet, safe place, take a deep breath and let all the negative emotion wash over me, I didn't crumble under the wave like I felt I would. On the contrary... when I allowed myself to truly feel the anger, the frustration, the loneliness, the anxiety, the fear... it's like it passed right through me.
I think this is similar. When the next swing comes on, I need to find a safe place, take a deep breath, and let all the fears and anxiety wash over me. Don't dwell on it and allow it to fester, but truly feel the emotion and give it a chance to wash through. And tell myself, that if I still feel as overwhelmed or offended or hurt or scared the next day or a couple of days later, then I can address it with the people who have contributed to the feelings. But right then, at that moment, when I'm most tempted to send a b*tchy text message or email, I need to be present with my emotions, be gentle with myself, and address others at a later time if I still feel it necessary.
Thanks y'all for indulging me this morning. I write here for so many reason. First because I want to document this process. I hope at some point, to make a book of pictures and my blogs so I will have it forever. I want my Butter Bean to know that I loved him/her before s/he even got here. But I always want to let others know what it's like. I hope that others who deal with the same thing will take comfort in knowing they are not alone, which is one of the hardest things about this illness. But finally, I hope that people who know someone with this or another mental illness will learn more about what it's like to walk in their loved one's shoes. When you've never experienced anything like this before, when you don't know what it's like for your brain to turn on you, it's hard to even fathom and sometimes it's hard to have compassion. Hopefully, I can have a little part in putting a personal experience on a difficult subject.
Have a great Thursday everyone! It's almost the weekend! And we get to hear the heartbeat tomorrow! Woohoo!!!
I am constantly on the look out for swings. Constantly terrified of slipping back into old habits. Constantly anticipating the darkness that has overwhelmed so many times before. So, knowing that this one passed, was like finding a life raft in the middle of the ocean.
The middle of the ocean... that's actually exactly how it feels. Being in a down swing feels like drowning. I lose all point of reference. Like being trapped in a rip current, you lose orientation so badly that you don't know which way to the surface. You might expend all your energy just to find out that you have been swimming deeper and deeper under instead of towards the surface. All I know at the time is that the feelings are overwhelming, but I have no idea if they are proportional.
And you don't know who to trust. The person you've attributed the negative feelings to often tells you, you are blowing things out of proportion. But over the years, people in my life have used my illness to trivialize my legitimate feelings... first my dad, then my ex-husband. When that happens it causes you to doubt things even more. On the flip side, often times your friends and family see their loved one in pain and just want to make it stop, so they suggest drastic measures.
I think what I've learned through this first down swing, is to handle them like I did the down times during Jay's deployment. I found very early on in that experience that the harder I fought the loneliness and anxiety the stronger it got. But if I would find a quiet, safe place, take a deep breath and let all the negative emotion wash over me, I didn't crumble under the wave like I felt I would. On the contrary... when I allowed myself to truly feel the anger, the frustration, the loneliness, the anxiety, the fear... it's like it passed right through me.
I think this is similar. When the next swing comes on, I need to find a safe place, take a deep breath, and let all the fears and anxiety wash over me. Don't dwell on it and allow it to fester, but truly feel the emotion and give it a chance to wash through. And tell myself, that if I still feel as overwhelmed or offended or hurt or scared the next day or a couple of days later, then I can address it with the people who have contributed to the feelings. But right then, at that moment, when I'm most tempted to send a b*tchy text message or email, I need to be present with my emotions, be gentle with myself, and address others at a later time if I still feel it necessary.
Thanks y'all for indulging me this morning. I write here for so many reason. First because I want to document this process. I hope at some point, to make a book of pictures and my blogs so I will have it forever. I want my Butter Bean to know that I loved him/her before s/he even got here. But I always want to let others know what it's like. I hope that others who deal with the same thing will take comfort in knowing they are not alone, which is one of the hardest things about this illness. But finally, I hope that people who know someone with this or another mental illness will learn more about what it's like to walk in their loved one's shoes. When you've never experienced anything like this before, when you don't know what it's like for your brain to turn on you, it's hard to even fathom and sometimes it's hard to have compassion. Hopefully, I can have a little part in putting a personal experience on a difficult subject.
Have a great Thursday everyone! It's almost the weekend! And we get to hear the heartbeat tomorrow! Woohoo!!!
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