Peaches & Dreams (week 13)

Welcome to week 13/14 everyone! We have officially made it to the second trimester! Woohoo! This means that the chance of miscarriage is drastically reduced. And hopefully, very soon, some of the more bothersome pregnancy symptoms will begin to subside. I've heard many women say that the second trimester is there favorite and that many get a boost of energy during this time. I'm really hoping so since I am looking at getting a second job in order to save money for the baby.

So what's going on with baby this week? Let's see:

"Up until now, your baby's head has been proportionally larger than the rest of the body. But around this time your baby's body will start to catch up and grow more proportionally to the head. If you could peek inside your womb, you could see your baby's motor skills starting to work. Your baby is able to move and flex the arms and legs, but you won't be able to feel this movement until later."

It is truly amazing!

I'll admit, the last couple of weeks have been a challenge. I'm finding it hard to control my emotions. I cry more than usual, and take things more personally. Things people say and do hurt my feelings more easily. It is also very frustrating feeling like you can't trust your own judgement. It's hard not knowing whether I have a right to be hurt and upset at someone for something they said or did, or if it's just hormones/bi-polar issues. It's hard being unable to determine if you are overreacting to something, and of course the person you're mad at is going to tell you that you are blowing things out of proportion. But when you tell close friends and family, and they see how upset you are, they sometimes recommend drastic measures that don't feel right either. I feel trapped. Caught in a body that can't process information correctly. Unable to know what to believe and who to trust. Now I remember how drastically my life changed when I went on medication for the first time.

Physically, I've been doing ok. The nausea and vomiting is only intermittent now. I'll admit, I probably take the anti-nausea medicine, Zofran, the midwife prescribed for me more often then I should. But oh well. Hopefully, that will get better now that I've hit the 2nd trimester. I'm beginning to feel a little more energetic which is great! Like I said before, if I end up getting a second job I'll need the extra energy!

My clothes are still fitting really well, but I'm beginning to see a difference in my belly and possibly even a bump. It's hard to tell though, since I'm carrying more weight then I should be. According to my scale, I've gained a lb from last week (which puts me down 2lbs over all). That is probably due to the stomach issues over the last week. I did buy a few maternity clothes a couple of weekends a go, and a friend gave me a bunch. I'm just not quite big enough for most of them yet. I do admit, though. On the weekends I wear the maternity clothes and pretend that my belly is all baby. :-) It's fun. I can't wait until I'm really showing, and then until I can feel the baby. I'm tempted to get a fetal doppler heart monitor, but just haven't actually done it yet. I've heard such mixed reviews. Some women have great luck with them, others just find it frustrating and anxiety producing when they are unable to find the heartbeat.

This Friday is my next appointment with my midwife. We'll have lots to talk about since the psychiatrist took me off my meds since the last time I've seen her. I also want to ask her about a comment she made about me possibly having a tilted uterus. I want to know if that could explain some of the "girl issues" I've had over the years and if she thinks it'll cause any problems during labor... and if it'll put me at a higher likelihood of having back labor. We should also be able to get the results of the blood work done at my last appointment with the OB. I figure if there were any major problems they would have called me, but I'm anxious to go over the results. And finally, and most importantly, we should be able to hear the heartbeat on Friday for the first time! If for some reason she is unable to locate it, she said she'd do an ultrasound right then to make sure the baby is ok. There are possible reasons why she might not be able to find the heartbeat that are perfectly normal. If my uterus is still tilted to the back then she might not be able to pick it up with the doppler. Also, having an anterior placenta (where the placenta has attached in the front) would make it hard for the doppler's sound waves to reach the baby. But one way or the other we will have proof on Friday that the Butter Bean is in there and doing well.

Happy Wednesday everyone! I hope your weeks are going well! Talk to you again soon!

p.s. I just realized today how stream-of-consciousness these weekly blogs have become. Sorry about that. Unfortunately, that's pretty much the extent of the brain power I have right now. Trying to organize my thoughts would take way too much energy! Hehe!

Plum-tastic! (week 12)

Welcome to week 12 everyone!

I can't believe this is the last week of the first trimester! It has flown by so quickly, but then again, I feel like I'll never get to my appointment next Friday! I guess that's the way life always is. The anticipation seems to last forever, but then in hindsight times seems to have flown. I'm sure that's the way this whole pregnancy will feel when it's over... then again, I'll probably be saying the exact same thing in 18+ years when I'm sending my Butter Bean off to college.

I'll admit, this week has been a struggle. I only lasted 4 days into the withdrawal period before I cried uncle! Last Thursday, I called my psychiatrist and told him that something had to give! The shakes and dizziness were getting worse instead of better and the only reason I was keeping anything down was because of a prescription for Zofran my midwife had called in for me. His assistant returned my call and said for me to just go back on the anti-depressant (which is the med I knew was the ones giving me the withdrawal symptoms). But wait... I thought this was the medicine I was absolutely not supposed to be on while I was pregnant. I thought it was very, very important that I get off them? Grrr! This doctor is driving me nuts.

Anyway, he put me back on a half dose, and told me to just stay on it until my next appointment in over 2 weeks. I've however decided that I want off this medicine if at all possible, so after being on the half dose for a week, I've cut the dose in half again (so from 20 milligrams two weeks ago, to 10 last week, and now 5). We'll see how this goes. If I start experiencing problems then I'll just go back to the half dose I've been taking for a week. Hopefully, though, I'll be able to wean myself off more slowly and be free of the meds within a few weeks.

I'm completely off the other two meds, however, and very happy about that. I seem to be adjusting to being off those meds fairly well. I can tell that my emotions are closer to the surface then they have been lately, but I am still able to control them. I cry more easily then normal, but that may just be the preggo hormones, so who knows. I'm trying my best to just relax and take things one moment at a time, trusting that I have the strength to handle anything life can throw at me in the future. Worrying about things that might or might not happen, certainly won't help any.

So enough about me and my struggles! What's going on with the Butter Bean this week? Here's what my app says:

The features of your baby's face are becoming more defined. The eyes have moved towards the front of the face and the chin and nose have taken more shape. Your baby's tiny fingernails are now well formed on fingers that will be able to open and close. In your baby's brain synapses are rapidly growing.

A week from tomorrow, we have our next appointment with the midwife. We should definitely be able to hear the heartbeat then. She said, if she can't pick up the heartbeat with the Doppler, then she'll do an ultrasound right then and there to check on everything. I'm so anxious to finally hear my little one's heartbeat. Since we decided to decline the genetic testing, and since I have a regular cycle and was pretty confident of when I became pregnant, there has been no need to do any ultrasound. If everything goes as planned, then we won't have one until our 20-ish week anatomy scan. I can't believe that in only 8 short weeks, we'll know if we are having a little boy or a little girl! I'm pretty much convinced that my little guy is a boy, but I'll be overjoyed for whatever we find out.

Still no baby bump over here, but I hear that's not unusual for first time moms who sometimes don't show until closer to 16-20 weeks. I did buy a couple pairs of maternity pants and a t-shirt the other day when I was out shopping. The pants were just so comfy, and will still be when I get big, and the shirt was just too cute to pass up!

I'm currently doing a lot of research on things we need for the baby. Still haven't made a final car seat decision. I've found the stroller I want, but Jay thinks it's out of our price range so we'll see. At least we've decided on a crib, a highly rated model from IKEA. Woohoo! Finally got the baby gear bible in, Baby Bargains, the other day. It's quite overwhelming but I believe it's going to be an extremely helpful resource.

Well, I think that's it for this week. If I don't write again, I'll see you all next week! Have a wonderful rest of the week and a relaxing weekend!

Da Lime in Da Coconut... (Week 11)

Or the Butter Bean in the Mama!

Sorry for the lack of a Wednesday-fruit-week post! I ended up staying home from work yesterday. After not being able to keep ANYTHING down (no solids, no liquids, no nothing!) from about 3pm Tuesday on, I was hoping that it would be better after getting some sleep. But no such luck. I got up, took a shower, and stumbled back to bed, sick and dizzy. At about 9am I finally called my midwife and begged for help of some kind! The nurse called in a prescription for Zofran (an anti-nausea/vomiting drug) and things got better after lunch.

I've never been so thankful to not be throwing up in all my life!

Beyond the stomach acrobatics, yesterday officially started our 11th week! Here's what my tracker says:

This week your baby is officially developed enough to be called a fetus. The good news is that the most critical part of your baby's organ system development is over. Your baby will grow very rapidly and will double in size by next week. On your baby's head, the ears are moving to the side of the head. Reproductive organs are becoming more distinguished.

This has been by far the most challenging week. According to the research I've done, I'm experiencing what is called SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome. It's essentially my brain freaking out while trying to adjust to not having the anti-depressant to help level out the brain chemistry. It can last anywhere from a week to several. My psychiatrist said that the symptoms should lessen over that time though. Well, I'm hoping for a week which will make the end around this weekend. If I'm not feeling better by Monday, though, I'm going to call my psychiatrist and insist that we do something else. What is the solution...? There's isn't one other than going back on the anti-depressant and coming off more slowly.

Everything comes down to a risk-benefit analysis. The problem is you can't really do double blind, scientific research on pregnant women. I mean, who's going to sign up for that study??? Dear pregnant women, we would like to give you this drug, the effects of which on your unborn child are completely unknown. Could be harmless, could cause massive defects. Sound like fun? Um... no. Therefore doctors have to extrapolate from limited data gathered from women who have chosen to take the meds while pregnant.

Some would say to always err on the side of caution, and I'm usually in that boat. But then comes a day like yesterday. Although we don't know what the effects of the anti-depressant are on the Butter Bean... we DO know what the effects of dehydration due to not being able to keep anything down and those are seriously NO GOOD! That is why I knew I needed to get some help, and I'm so thankful I did. It was also the first time I'd called and spoken to a nurse at this new midwife practice and I was so happy with the response. The nurse I talked to was very understanding, helpful, and never made me feel like I was a bother. That is so reassuring knowing that I have another 6 months of this to go.

I will say though, that I know understand to some degree the pull of illegal drugs and alcohol on someone. I find myself thinking, maybe if I could just take like a quarter of a pill or maybe just one today then it will make the dizziness/shakes go away! Amazingly, I didn't have any noticeable symptoms when I quit smoking cold turkey after finding out we were pregnant, and I am very thankful of that. Hopefully, this will pass and soon.

I have another appointment with my psychiatrist in three weeks, although he'll be hearing from me next week if I don't feel significantly better by Monday! A week from tomorrow is my next appointment with our midwife. We will be able to hear the heart beat then! I'm really hoping Jay is able to get off of work for that.

Oh, even though I'm not showing at all, I can tell that my uterus is growing. I sleep on my stomach/side and always have. It's going to be hard to find another position once I get really pregnant. Well, I can tell that my uterus is pushing on some stuff now because when I lay like that, I feel like I have to pee even if I just came back from the bathroom. It scared me the first couple nights. I was afraid I had a UTI and was already dreading the agony. But I soon realized that when I was laying down was the only time I felt like that. I'll probably need to get a body pillow soon as throwing my leg over a pillow seems to help.

I think that's about it for this weekly wrap up. Hopefully next week will be more uneventful! And involve less throwing up! Sorry that this update seems to be chaotic. I think my writing is feeling as dizzy as my head is today. Next week will be better! I'm counting on it! Happy Thursday everyone! It's almost the weekend, which means SLEEP!

Make the world stop spinning!

Dear Universe,

If you will just make the world stop spinning for just a minute, I promise to never drink ever, ever again!

Oh wait............ I HAVEN'T HAD ANY ALCOHOL IN MONTHS! Grrr...

At least I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning. Hopefully, he can shed some light on how long the world will be spinning! Oh and there's nothing that will make a first-trimester if-y stomach rockier than constant dizziness/vertigo! At least my breakfast appears to be staying put this morning unlike yesterday. FYI - Chick-fil-A Chicken Minis in reverse... not cool! And I don't think I'll be drinking root beer again for ages.

I've tried really hard to only be upbeat about this whole thing. :-( I know how hard it was to hear pregnant friends complain when all I wanted was to be pregnant and would have gladly taken all of their symptoms if only I could have had a baby. But today is just a little overwhelming.

On the bright side though, I took two Tylenal PM's last night (safe according to my Midwife) and FINALLY got some sleep. It's amazing how it can make the difference between feeling human and zombie-like. Hopefully, after my appointment this morning, I'll know more about what to expect and how long the withdrawal symptoms will last.

Also on the bright side, it feels so nice to not have to hide the pregnancy at work. Most of the people I work with know and are super excited for me! AND on top of that... we got a new project in my department and will hopefully be getting very busy very quickly! Yay!

Tomorrow starts a new week! I can't believe it's almost the 11th weeks! Where has this first trimester gone?????

Have a great day everyone, and thanks for letting me vent here for just a few minutes!

Challenge...

Well, Friday I was handing my biggest pregnancy challenge yet. If you've been following my blog for long, or have read through the archives, you will know that I have Type II Bipolar Disorder, which is a less sever, yet still very disruptive, version of Bipolar (also known as Manic-Depression).

It's something I was born with and probably dealt with since I was a kid. Most of that time I just blew it off as being a "passionate" person. A few years ago, it became apparent that it was time to seek help. I found a great psychiatrist who put me on a wonderful medication and for the first time in my life, I understood what it was like to be emotionally even.

A few months later, I decided to go back on birth control since it was pretty apparent that this was not the optimum time for us to have a baby. I mentioned this to my psychiatrist and he said to keep a close eye on my mental state because they might have to adjust my dose to compensate. Huh? Since it would be a few weeks before I could start them, I figured I had time to look into it. Then, when I filled the prescription, the pharmacist warned me that there was an interaction between the bipolar med and the birth control. I figured it was like how antibiotics make birth control less effective. So, I started researching it. Come to find out, it's actually the hormonal birth control pills that effect the ability of the bipolar med to stabilize my moods.

Being that I'm selfish, I talked it over with Jay. I told him that I was feeling emotionally even for the first time in my life, and I just didn't want to mess with that right now. We'd gone for months off birth control without getting pregnant and figured we'd chance it some more (also knowing that we'd be ok if we did get pregnant. Don't want anyone thinking we were fooling ourselves!). I told my psychiatrist this at my next appointment and he assured me that there would be no problems if I found out I was pregnant. He said to let him know if we found out, and we'd talk from there.

Four months later, we were surprised by our little Butter Bean. Since the psychiatrist had implied that it was no big deal, it took me a couple of weeks to get in touch with him about the pregnancy. Not telling my office made that exceptionally hard since the Dr's office is only open while I'm at work and you have to leave a message when you call in. So, it took a couple more weeks to coordinate with the assistant to get the information.

Well, on Friday, I finally talked with the assistant and she told me that the psychiatrist wanted me off the meds... immediately! I hate to admit it but I burst into tears on the phone with the assistant. Because of the conversations I'd had with him and my midwife, I had not anticipated the need to go off the meds and especially not that quickly. Friday was not a good day. I was having nightmares of the next 6 months spent in an ever downward spiraling depression, causing me to lose my job, my marriage, my friends... everything. Last fall, as I fought with this illness, was one of the darkest times of my life. The thought of going back there was terrifying.

Childbirth doesn't scare me. I look pain-med-free natural childbirth straight in the eyes and say, "Bring it on suckah!!" But the thought of going off my medication makes me shake in my boots. But if it is best for my Butter Bean, then I'm willing to do it. My deepest fear is that my emotional instability will hurt the baby even more than the meds might have. I fear that a spiraling depressive state will cause harm to my Mackie. (Yes, I think it's a boy. Yes, we'll name him McKinley. Yes I'll call him Mackie... or Mac-Mac. And yes I'll still love him if he ends up being a girl!)

So after only two days on a half dose, last night I took no meds (other than a Tylenol PM to try and sleep). With withdrawals are a little gnarly right now, mostly relentless dizziness and a stomach that is not upset, but not settled either. Oh and an inability to sleep, but that's because one of the meds I was on was purely to help me sleep. I guess I'll be relying on my old standbys of Binadryl and Tylenal PM (both safe during pregnancy, thank goodness!).

I'm going to have to learn to control my emotions on my own. I have a prenatal yoga video I plan to start tonight. And my friends and family are all on high alert. The major challenge of having an emotional disorder like this is that you have no concept of "emotional normal" so you don't know when you're feeling abnormally. It's like having a ruler that constantly changes, so you have no standard to compare anything to. So, it will become very important for me to rely on my close friends and family to help guide me through this time, to gently let me know when I'm acting unusually, and help me see that things might not be as bad as they feel. Add pregnancy hormones on top of that and it becomes a challenge unlike anything I've experienced before.

I am on standby for an appointment with my psychiatrist and will be called my midwife this morning to let her know that I'm detoxing. Hopefully, the withdrawal symptoms will pass soon, and it will not be as difficult as I fear. But as I always believe, "Expect the best, prepare for the worst!" and hopefully, the worst never comes.

So here's to my first major motherhood challenge. I'll keep you updated.

p.s. since I may be looking at more frequent appts with my psychiatrist, I broke down and told my office about the pregnancy. They were very supportive and not having to hide it will make things easier! So, as one challenge presents itself another is relieved.

Happy Monday everyone!

Newest addiction...

I always have an addiction. I get it from my dad. It's part of being a high strung, Type A, slightly OCD, passionate person. I never seem to be able to just be interested in something. I have to be over the top obsessed.

My addictions have ranged from wedding planning, to interior design blogs, to upcycling old furniture, to researching baby gear, to grilled cheese sandwiches (my mom used to tell me in high school that if I ate many more, I'd turn into a grilled cheese sandwich!)

Well, right now my addiction is birth stories. I can literally spend hours upon hours reading women's birth stories, and I'm not picky. I'll read natural births, medicated births, easy births, long hard births, pretty much anything I can get my hands on. I guess real life accounts have been a preference of mine for a long time, though. I always preferred seeing real wedding pictures, and articles about real people throwing real parties. One of my favorite days of the week is Thursday because my favorite design blog Design*Sponge features before and after projects on Thursday. As awesome as it is to see pictures of fully finished projects done by professionals, there's something even more inspiring to see real process pictures of real projects done by real people. So, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I prefer real birth stories over theoretical information.

But I don't think this is the only reason I love birth stories. When Jay was deployed, a fellow Navy girl posted a link to a YouTube video of an aircraft carrier homecoming. I think I watched that video almost every day that he was gone, and on really difficult days I would watch it over and over and over again and just cry. But they weren't really tears of depression. They were tears of release, of longing, and of anticipation. Something about the video kept me going, kept me looking forward, kept reminding me that there was an end to all this. It also gave me a vision of what homecoming would look like since I'd never seen one before.

Sometimes the unknown is the most terrifying thing. When I was young, I never wanted to be a mother. My dolls would having different names every day since I never could remember what I'd named them the day before. My best friend drove me crazy because all she wanted to do was play dolls. (Now she has 4 kids of her own, and is one of the best moms I know!) It wasn't until a professor in college recommended that I read this book about childbirth in America and the OB vs. Midwife view of labor and delivery, that I finally saw myself as a mother. I truly think my fear of labor was what had me vowing and declaring I wasn't cut out to be a mother.

That single book sparked my interest in childbirth, a passion I carry to this day, and relieved my fear of the unknown. Reading about strong women who conquered the most difficult thing any woman is asked to do, inspired me. It gave me confidence that I could do that as well, and it even made me look forward to the time when I can join their ranks. Childbirth is a rite of passage, and one I am doing everything I can to prepare myself for. I know it is going to be painful and I welcome that. I know that the pain has a purpose and will result in me being able to hold my Butter Bean.

It's kind of similar to the way I feel about tattoos. Taking away the pain of a tattoo would almost diminish the feeling of pride in the work. There's something about enduring the pain that makes me feel like I've earned the right to wear the ink. I feel similarly about childbirth. I feel that through this right of passage, and through the pain, I will earn my place among thousands of generations of women. I will earn my place as a mother.

Happy Friday everyone! Hope everyone has a wonderful, restful weekend!

PS: Nothing I write on this blog is meant to be seen as a judgement of other women and how they have chosen to become mothers. Just because this is how I feel about childbirth doesn't mean it's the only way. There are many, many women who are wonderful mothers that have never given birth, some through formal adoption, others simply embody the spirit of a mother and comfort the motherless. This is also not meant to say that women who have had c-sections or utilized epidurals or other pain medications during labor have failed in any way. Childbirth (whether spiritually, emotionally, or physically) is scary and painful and all mothers should be celebrated and revered!

Welcome to week 10!

Or 11 if you ask Jay. We need to clear up with the midwife at our next appointment whether 10w 1d means we're one day into the 10th week or finished with the 10th week and 1 day into the 11th week. Details, details! But until we get clarity I'm going to follow what the emails I keep getting say.

So... welcome to the 10th week everyone! Wednesdays have become very exciting for me these days since that is the first day of a new week. It's the day my ticker resets and we get a new fruit size. It's amazing. When we first started on this journey Butter Bean was the size of a poppy seed, and now he's the size of a PRUNE! Here's what my phone app says for this week:

The tenth week marks the beginning of a critical period in your baby's development when all the vital organs have formed and are beginning to function. Your baby is also growing tiny nails on the fingers and toes as well as tiny buds for teeth.

It's amazing to see how far we have come, from a few cells to finger nails in just over two months! Actually, from here on out, Butter Bean is doing growing than forming.

So, how am I doing? Great! I'm still experiencing very little morning sickness of any kind... as long as I eat every 2 hours or less that is. Which is not an easy task for this meal-skipper! This baby just doesn't understand that I don't like to eat breakfast! Oh well! I've decided that every pregnancy test should come packaged with a pack of Lance crackers because if the test is positive, you might as well put the crackers in your purse because you'll need 'em at some point! Ice water with a straw is still my nectar of the gods. I haven't had any real food cravings or aversions yet, although if I don't eat every 2 hours or less, then all food sounds gross, and I just have to make myself eat something. I have been wanting more ice cream lately, but I'm not sure that's a pregnancy thing. ;-)

I'm trying very hard to concentrate on eating foods with as few ingredients as possible. Yesterday I succeeded with a wonderful bag of grapes at my desk. I also keep non-roasted almonds at my desk and snack on those regularly, along with trail mix. Last night Jay made spaghetti with whole wheat noodles. (Which was so sweet of him to do while I napped on the couch and watched netflix!) I'm very thankful to have found some whole wheat noodles that I like. The other's I've tried have been worse than awful!

I weighed myself this morning and was very excited to see that I have only gained one pound since I found out I was pregnant. Now before you all jump on me for not gaining weight, the doctor and all the books say that it is not necessary to gain any weight during the first trimester due to the fact that the baby is so small! Any weight gained through the first trimester is actually from over eating (or bloat a pregnant woman's constant companion I've found out) and not due to the baby. In addition, I am over weight to start with so my weight gain goal will be less than others who start out at a more healthy weight. I was afraid that after going off of weight watchers when I found out I was pregnant, I would gain back the 8 lbs I'd lost very quickly, but apparently I've been doing better than I thought. I've tried to use the ideas I learned from weight watchers (like portion control and stopping when my body is full) while not restricting my calories or ignoring hunger. It must be working! Yay!

Jay is settling more and more into this thing called expectant fatherhood. He loves to rub my belly and talk to the baby at night. He's always charging the baby to take care of me, and harping on me to eat so the baby has something to eat. He continues to include the baby when he says he loves "us". This weekend I got a chance to see him in fatherhood action... and my heart just melted!

Some good friends of ours come up from Charleston to visit us this weekend. And with them came their 4 year old son, their 3 year old daughter, and their 9 month old son who is the newest addition, and the member we'd hadn't gotten to meet yet! Jay was so wonderful with them, as he always is, and I swear I fell in love with him even more as I watched him love on those kids. It is so nice to feel completely at peace with the person I've chose to be the father of my child. He is a wonderful friend, a wonderful husband, and already a wonderful father. I am truly blessed in so many ways.

So... here's to the 10th week and finally being in double digits! We are already one quarter of the way to seeing our little one. So many exciting things have happened already, and so many are still to come. Have a great week everyone!