I Officially Ordered My Dress Yesterday

Well it's officially! I ordered my wedding dress yesterday! I'm so excited! It's like we're really getting married now! The funny thing is, it's not the dress I thought I'd decided on (which is the one that's been posted here). I kept feeling like I was having to talk myself into that dress. It was definitely my favorite of the ones I tried on at David's Bridal, but it just didn't set right. I wasn't convenced and I'm not like that. I'm usually someone who is like, "OK! Decision made! NEXT!" So, the fact that I hadn't gone to buy it and that I kept looking at other dresses made me think that maybe it wasn't the ONE!

So, I decided to go to a more traditional bridal store. I knew that what I had really been looking at where bridesmaid dresses in white (since i like things very simple and less expensive), but David's Bridal doesn't do any of their bridesmaid dresses in white. Not to mentioned I'd really hated the feeling of being pressured to buy something because I'd taken up the time of the sales woman and she was on commission. I expected even worse when I walked into Traditions Bridal in Newport News. But soon realized I was very wrong. The moment I walked into the almost empty store (opposed to the packed at the seems, sales person helping more than one bride experience at David's Bridal), I was instantly greeted by a very pleasant sales women who asked what she could help me with. I explained that I was having a difficult time finding a dress because I was very simple and really like more bridesmaid dresses in white, but hadn't had any luck finding that. She looked surprised and said that all her bridesmaids dresses came in white and for me to pick any one I liked. She showed me some simple wedding dresses as well but did not push when I said they were still too bling, bling for me.

So I picked out a few dresses, which she quickly took to a dressing room for me (without giving me the feeling that she was suffocating me). She also let me know that they could hem any of the dresses I picked out in the store to tea length so not to feel stuck to only the already tea length. So, I started trying things on. Amazingly most of the samples were in a 10 or 12 so they fit almost perfectly and gave me a great idea of what they would look like. Although with the way my mind works it was a little hard to look at a bright red dress and imagine it in white.

Anyway, I tried on a few and kept getting more and more excited because they were so much closer to what I was looking for. Another saleswoman came by to check on me (because they don't work on commission and aren't territorial of their customers). She asked how things were going. When I said wonderfully, she said, "but you're not coming out! The lighting is much better out here!". When I came out they all owww'd and gooo'd. And then I tried on this one dress and the moment I zipped it up I knew it was THE ONE!

When I walked out I started explaining why it was so perfect. The sales woman said they have a term for that. It's called PNP... Pretty Near Perfect! Hehe.

It had an empire waist with a sash detail that would be similar to the dress the girl's will be wearing. And i felt like a princess! A comfortable princess though! The dress comes floor length with a short sweep in the back. And it has straps already! The one thing I didn't want to do was spend the entire day tugging on a strapless dress! They can hem it for me to tea length when it comes in in October or I can leave it floor length. I'm still trying to decide. I like the idea of the tea length, but I'm afraid that despite Jay's insisting to the contrary in his head he has this image of me coming down the isle in a long white dress.

I think I'll try and get my mom up here when it comes in to help me decide. If I get it hemmed a little then I probably wouldn't mind it being floor length. I just don't want to be kicking it all day long! I want to be able to enjoy my day without thinking, "somebody get me the hell out of this uncomfortable dress!"

It's so me! I love it so much! And I can't wait to wear it to marry my soul mate!

Well.. I'd love opinions on the tea length vs. the floor length. Here's the dress! Except the sash will be in clover green.



And here's the bridesmaid dresses I've picked out.



The girl's will be wearing monogrammed cardigans in clover green which will match the sash on my dress. I'll probably have a brown cardigan as well in case it is chilly that day.

So... what does everyone think???????

Thanks for listening to my wedding ramblings. I love you all!

Before and After

Well, I got on the scale today and realized that while I've been doing no extreme exercise (other than walking back and forth 11 blocks to work) and eating a lot of crap that I've still lost another 5 lbs. It's amazing what being happy can do to a girl.

When I met my ex, I was 110-115 lbs. Last spring, just 6 years later, I weighed in at 175-180 lbs. When I moved out on my own I dropped my calorie intake and up my exercise and dropped about 10 lbs a month for 4 consecutive months. It was incredible. Now, I'm making a final push before Jay's ship comes in, in about 3 1/2 months, to try and drop the last little bit and tone up these muscles that haven't been worked in years. I'll keep you guys updated but here's a little before and after.

Before: This was taken Easter Sunday morning of 2006




After: This was taken the first week of December 2006




I have to say, I'm pretty damn proud if I do say so myself. WooHoo! But if Jay's coming home with six pack abs, I have to make sure I have my old dancer body back. We'll see how it goes.

bye y'all!

bonnie

My Dad Isn't Coming To the Wedding

Yep. You read right. As of today, my dad has declined my invitation to attend my wedding.

Ok... a little back ground. I've done this before. And at my first wedding my dad wasn't invited at all. He had made it extremely clear that he did not approve of my choice, that he did not like my in-laws and he has a track record of being explosive and violent. I had nightmares of coming around the corner and finding him yelling at my new father-in-law! Also, my dad and I had gotten into a fight about 6 months before the wedding and he had said that he didn't want to talk with me until I apologized. It was the hardest decision I ever made. My wedding was also right about the time that he and my mom's divorce was almost final and he was getting ready to marry the woman he was screwing before my mom officially left. What did he say... He said he'd catch me on the next one.

Well, that comment hurt like hell, but you know, life goes on. My dad and I have "made up" which involved me beginning to contact him and act like nothing ever happened and him acting like the "bigger" person because he was forgiving me for whatever ills I had done to him without insisting on an apology. We sort of talked about the whole thing one time and he acted like he was so sorry that he had put me in that position and that he understood that I wasn't punishing him but protecting my family and new family.

So, when my marriage broke up (which was the second hardest decision I ever made partly because I knew my dad would say, I told you so), I reached out to my dad and one of the first things he said, was, "I told you I'd catch you on the next one." This time I sucked it up and laughed it off.

So a few weeks ago, I was in Charlotte near where my dad lives for Jay's leave and Jay and I had dinner with him. He asked when we were getting married and I told him soon. He said, "I told you I'd catch you on the next one. I just hope I'm going to have a freaking prominent roll in the wedding maybe the preacher." It wasn't the first time he'd talked about having a prominent role. He'd mentioned walking me down the isle before and always spoke of it as if it were his right as the father.

Well, Father's Day came around and we had a huge fight. It started when I stuck to my guns on a small issue and he didn't take it very well. When I began to cry he said he was sorry that something so small would make me cry. I told him it didn't have anything to do with what we were fighting over and told him that his comment about catching me on the next one hurt me so badly that I cried for days over it. Well, instead of saying he was sorry I was hurt or getting me a tissue or comforting me or anything. Instead he had a full on melt down. He screamed, I screamed. it was the first time I stood up for myself, through the overwhelming sobs that is. Well, eventually my dad said that we were done and that he recommended Jay and I go back to Charlotte (we were planning on staying the night). While we were packing up and leaving he said that he hoped my relationship with Jay tempered me.

Two nights later, the love of my life asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. It was the most wonderful and exciting night of my life and because of what had happened I didn't feel comfortable including my dad in my mass text announcement. So, because of what had happened he missed out, for the second time, on being one of the first to know about my engagement.

I figured I might as well take advantage of the drama. So, when I came home I waited a couple of weeks and sent an email telling him that as hard as it was to tell him this, I did not want him to walk me down the isle. I didn't go into why, I only said that this was something I needed to do for me. I tried to give him a half way mark. I told him he could be an usher, part of the photography team or simply be sat with the other parents. OR he could choose to not participate, but that would be HIS choice and not MINE.

It didn't take long to get a response, only about 50 minutes. Just long enough for him to type out an angry email via the hunt and peck typing method. It basically said that he was going to decline the invitation (plus a bunch of other hurtful things).

I don't know what to do with all this. It just hurts so bad, and Jay's not here to hold me. My brother stayed the night last night to help me with this first underway, so he was here to help me process everything this morning and I am so thankful for that. But now that he's gone and the house is empty I find myself crying off and on. I'm sitting here watching Army Wives which is one of my favorite shows and I keep crying over one of the women's husband's being deployed or a wounded husband's return to his wife. I was doing really well with this first underway, seeing it as a time to myself, a time to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. A time to catch up on phone calls to my friends. But now, I just want to stomp my feet and throw a 5 year old fit. It's just not fair. I need him and he needs to be here. I hope he never reads this, but I feel so abandoned right now. My dad refuses to be in my life and as much as he'd want to be here Jay's not able to be.

I've been trying to figure out why it hurts so bad and why it's so hard to just let my dad slip out of my life at his own request. I was at a wedding a few years ago and the father of the bride was the officiant. When he pronounced them Husband and Wife you could tell he was fighting back the tears. I couldn't get out of that church fast enough. First chance I got, I ran out to the parking lot, plopped down on a cement divider in my tea length black cocktail dress and my stiletto heals and called my mom. She could hardly understand me through the uncontrollable sobs. It hurt so bad that my dad wasn't at my first wedding. And I find myself grieving over my dad not walking me down the isle at this wedding, let alone not even attending this one. And although Randy Sluder most likely would have been at my first wedding if I'd asked him to be and he would certainly walk me down the isle this time, truthfully it doesn't help. And I finally figured out why. The bottom line is that I'm overwhelmingly sad to admit that I really do not have a dad. I have a man who contributed to half my genes, but that doesn't make him a father. And it will never make him a father. So tonight, for the first time, here in my bed... alone... I have to admit that although my biological father is living, although I know his phone number, address and email, I'm a girl planning a wedding without a vital part... a daddy to walk her down the isle and to dance with and to give her new husband a loving but firm talking to about always taking care of his daughter. If he couldn't take care of me, how could he ever expect anyone else to.

god... this just hurts so bad...

Update: After a few months my dad changed his mind and decided to participate on my terms. It made for a slightly more stressful day, but I'm glad he was included.

The Engagement Blog

So it's official! After over 10 years of knowing each other, 6 years after our first kiss, and over 1 year of being "together" (I use quotation marks seeing that we saw each other a whole SEVEN days out of that year) I'm officially engaged to Jeremy Stafford, without a doubt the love of my life!!! Everyone wants to know how it happened so I figured blogging about it would save me from writing about a million separate emails.

Well...

To put it nicely, I can be a bit persistent. ;-) Although, "a pester" is probably the word Jay would use. Hehe. From the moment he stepped off the ship about 4 weeks ago, I've probably asked at least 3 times a day about my ring, or when I was going to get it, or what it looked like or where he bought it... Not quite the "every hour on the hour" that his best friend described... but ... well close. I asked his friends, co-workers, family and anyone else I thought might have information for me! Hehe! Unfortunately no one would give anything up, but a girl's got to try! I have to admit though that I take great comfort in the fact that he can't lie worth anything! Every time he'd insist that he didn't have a ring, or that he didn't buy one or that he didn't know what I was talking about he'd get a big huge grin on his face and the most adorable "5 year old caught in the cookie jar" look in his eyes! It was absolutely adorable and the main motivation behind why I asked so many time. Watching him squirm and giggle was priceless.

So, while we were deciding on leave arrangements it was STRESSED that I HAD to be in Charlotte with him. His best friend even went as far as to say that Jay had "an important question to ask. And it'll be quite anti-climactic if you're in VA!" So, I knew it would be while we were down here but that almost drove me MORE insane! I knew it was coming, I even knew it was close but I didn't know when and there's nothing I deal with less well then surprises I knew just a little about!!!! I patted him down on more than one occasion. I went through his bags when he wasn't looking. I know, I'm evil, but I learned from the best... nic. ;-)

So when I woke up, Tuesday the 19th of June, it seemed like any other day. We had loose plans to check out a few possible wedding locations while we were in town but nothing major. Nothing to tip me off that it would be the day I had waiting so long for. Well... I take that back... there was a phone call he took out side and waved me back in when I came out and some requested private time with his best friend. But I assumed they were planning something for later in the week. So, it's decided that his best friend's fiance is too under the weather to go out to dinner that night so we head back to the apartment we're staying at. We hung out ;-) for a little while and decided we were hungry. He offered to grab take out from a near by restaurant if I'd figure out some way to set up the lap top and speaker so we could watch a movie.

When he got back, he walked in with his hands full and said, "hey babe. Guess what happened to me." I have to admit, being the paranoid person I am, I assumed the worst and figured he'd run into someone he didn't want to see or something. Then he said, "when I went to get the food, they told me that I was the one millionth customer!" Being completely unaware of what was going on I of course called his bluff and said, "They did NOT! You are so full of it!" At which point he said, "no really! And they gave me this!" and he pulls the ring out. I look down and suddenly realize what's going on!!! It's the most beautiful ring I've ever seen in my life and he gets down on one knee (I'm already crying at this point!) and says, "Bonnie Louise, will you marry me?" I can hardly answer between the crying and the OMG's! I was COMPLETELY caught off guard! I had absolutely NO idea! And it couldn't have been more perfect!

I love him more than anything else in the world. He is my perfect compliment and there's nothing I want more than to spend the rest of our lives together! And I can't believe that after all this time, and an extremely fortunate second chance, I'm finally where I'm supposed to be... in the arms of my soul mate and best friend.

THE Most Exciting Day of My Life

It's finally over!!!! The love of my life is safely home on US soil and in my arms again!!! "Why," you ask... "in the heck are you messing around blogging on myspace???????" Because the life of a navy girlfriend means constant separation. He has duty every 4 days which means he has to be on the ship all night. He was supposed to have duty the day the ship pulled in, which would have meant he couldn't come off the ship until the next day. :-( In order to not have to do that he switched with another guy so he has to sleep on the ship tonight (Sunday) and tomorrow night (Monday). I'll see him again sometime on Tuesday. So, I figured this was a perfect time to let everyone know how I'm doing and how amazing homecoming was!

It all started the day before. I drove from Richmond to Norfolk to meet up with my fellow navy girlfriend, Angela, and get ready for the night before reception. I was so scatter-brained that I had to turn around twice... once for my welcome home sign and the other for my homecoming outfit. DUH! It was awesome meeting up with Angela after talking for almost 8 months online. It's amazing, though, no matter what, people never sound like they "should". She's just as great as I expected and we had a wonderful time. We ran a few errands I needed to do around Norfolk, got our parking passes for homecoming, and checked into the Navy Lodge.



The funniest part was when (while trying to talk on the phone of course) I turned left too early and instead of pulling into the parking lot for the building to get our parking passes, I turn into gate 5 for the base with no way to turn around. So, I tell my friend I'll call them back and pull right up to the cute sailor in his camis. I turn on the sourthern charm and flash my biggest smile possible with the largest lost puppy dog eyes I can muster and say, "Oh dear me! I'm so sorry! I think I went the wrong way. I'm trying to get my parking pass for homecoming tomorrow!!!" He smiled and confirmed that I had made a wrong turn. He was so nice and stopped traffic coming out of the base so I could turn around. I made sure to smile big and thank him as I left. I told the girls that just because I was a feminist didn't mean I could work it when I needed to! Heheheh! Then we met up with my favorite veteran Navy wife, Kim, and headed off to the night before reception on the base.



(I stole your pic Kim. The one on my phone didn't come out as well as your did.)

The night before reception wasn't as great as I was hoping. The room was really big and there were a lot of people. When the speakers got up, I could tell they were giving some really great information about getting on the pier and parking and such but the sound was so bad that we couldn't hear what they were saying. So after the slide show of the sailors and what they've been doing/ where they've been, we headed back to the Navy Lodge. We cracked open a bottle of red wine and settled in for the evening. I figured I wouldn't get any sleep but by about 1pm, I was dead asleep. I am sooo thankful that I was able to stay at the navy lodge instead of having to drive back to Richmond. It was so nice, also, to be able to talk with someone who felt as anxious and nervous and excited as I did.

So at the butt crack of dawn I wake up. Of course I had hardly slept for fear of oversleeping and missing the entire homecoming (which had been a reoccurring dream for the past few weeks)! My roommate, Mandy (Jay is Mandy's husband and Angela's boyfriend's supervisor), was supposed to get in the shower but I could tell she was going no where fast, so I just jumped in and took my time getting ready and putting on my make up and such. We went up to Angela's room that she was sharing with a couple of her and Brian's friends.



We were all so excited we could hardly talk but were all quite worried about the wind on the pier which of course none of us had really thought about when we'd chosen our homecoming outfits. Opps!



So we grab a quick bagel (which we'd been smart enough to pick up the night before) and headed out to the pier. Believe it or not we had 4 girls and 1 sort of metro boy out the door by our designated time of 7am. We'd heard so many different things about when the ship was supposed to be pier side, everything from 9-9:30 to 11-11:30 so we figured we'd play it safe.





I left early to grab some gas on the way and soon figured out that the gate we had all planned to go in was only allowing traffic to enter from the other direction and was VERY backed up. So, I called the others and gave them the heads up to go in the other gate. Getting on base was no problem but it took a little navigating to find the pier since we were coming from a different gate. I parked a ways from the pier since the girls had said it's a huge pain to get out if you park too close. I grabbed my sign



, met back up with the others and we headed for the pier. It was a truly awesome sight and a wonderful feeling to know that soon it would all be over! We were lucky enough to snag a seat on the bleachers which was a life saver. I'd have hated to stand the whole time!





We settled in for the long wait and I looked around and thought how strange it was that there weren't more people there. Little did I know they were all to come!

It was funny to see all us girls who had spent the last probably 7 months worrying about our outfits standing there without shoes on or wrapped up in sweaters or whatever. It's amazing how something may seem perfect in your home or at the hotel but doesn't quite work at the pier!



Soon, the other ships in the group started coming in, which only made wait harder!



There were some people who were standing lookout at the top of the bleachers. One guy in particular had assured us he would let us know when he could see the IKE, so after what felt like a lifetime, we finally heard a strong, "WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!" And we knew it was coming home!





It took it a while to get to the pier, but not as long as I was expecting. They were blaring music on the pier (The Boys are Back in Town was my favorite!) which gave the whole thing a party feel. I turned around and realized that the entire pier had filled up and I was so thankful that we'd gotten there when we did!



They pulled over to the pier and then backed in! It was so awesome to see!



The sailors were manning the rails and it was so amazing! We searched and searched and searched for our boys since Angela, Mandy and I all knew our guys had been "voluntold" the day before that they would be manning the rails. Of course we were sure we could see our guys just to find out later they were on the other freaking side of the ship! Hehe! Oh well! Wishful thanking, I guess!





They finally started tying in and I really thought I might turn inside out. I was so worried about spotting him! There were probably 10,000 people on the pier and I knew there were close to 5,000 sailors coming off!! Worry wort me is freaking out because they had these fences up and I couldn't figure out how he would be able to get to me. Come to find out they took the fences away as soon as they called general liberty and the mad rush of sailors started coming off.



We were very lucky. Mandy's husband, Ryan, was able to get cell service where they were standing and started texting her. He confirmed that Rakes (Brian) and Stafford (Jay) were with him and we let them all know that we were in the first set of bleachers! They were able to let us know that they were fairly close to the front and should be off right away once liberty was called.

Watching the waves of sailors in their dress whites pour out of the brows was one of the most thrilling things I've ever seen. I stayed about half way up the bleachers so hopefully our guys could see us. Next thing we know Mandy and Angela's guys come through the crowd. I was so excited and then extremely nervous when I didn't see Jay too!!! I start yelling, "What happened to Jay?? Did you guys ditch him?!?!?!?!?" I look out at the see of dress white uniforms and start panicking! What if I'm not able to find him!!! I decided to just stay right where I was since that's where he knew to look for me and just a couple of minutes later I spotted him making his way through the crowd to me! I make my way down the bleachers trying not to fall, figured eating metal or concrete wouldn't be that cute!

I drop my camera back and throw my arms around him! He pulls me tight into him, picks me up and says, "Hi beautiful!" After over 5 1/2 years of not having him in my life at all, a year of being separated and 8 months out to sea... feeling his arms around me again was the most thrilling moment of my life! I'll never forget the moment I saw him for the first time or the look on his face when our eyes met.

The last 4 days have been the best of my life! He's amazing, and every fear I had about us not working out has melted away. I've never been so content in all my life. There is nothing I want more than to be with him forever.

I wish I had pictures of him in his dress whites on the pier or of us, but the moment I saw him I totally forgot about taking pictures! I'll try and get some new ones of us soon. We're turning in an application for the apartment we want on Tuesday and hope to get the keys on Thursday. I'll make sure and post pictures and let everyone know how it goes!

Thank you to everyone who helped me through this difficult time in my life! I'm thankful for each and everyone of you! Have a great day and I promise to keep ya updated!

thanks for listening, y'all!

bonnie

Today was hard. I made my goal of Amarillo to Memphis, but it was really long. I left Amarillo at 10am and pulled into the hotel in Memphis after 10pm. It must have been longer than I expected or the multiple construction zones slowed me down or something. Oh well. I'm here, safe and sound. I was going to take some pictures of the hotel and Amarillo but the truth is... the town is kind of not so much! I'm not judging TX on the whole (since it always irritates me when people judge North Carolina by the drive up I-95) but I would certainly not want to move to Amarillo. Flagstaff, Yes! But Amarillo, No. I thought about stopping a couple of times to take pictures, but I'm worse than any boy when it comes to not wanting to stop on a long road trip. I think I stopped a total of three times all day!!!! But once was for a good leisurely lunch at Cracker Barrel so that I could compose a few blogs that will be posted over the next few days. My server was so nice and kept refilling my sweet tea (which probably accounted for TWO of three pit stops! Hehe!) and let me sit there as long as I wanted. I'd have to say though that just like last time the highlight of this leg of the trip was the breath taking windmill farm somewhere in New Mexico. That was the one time I was really tempted to pull off and snap some pictures but with that sort of thing I knew I could never capture the magnificent beauty and would only be disappointed.

So, tomorrow is the last leg. It will bring me back to where I started almost 2 years ago to the day. There's a lot of things going through my mind and a lot of emotions. The drive has given me some much needed time to think. I've spent the last 7 months of my life doing everything I could to avoid thinking, so there's some interesting things rolling around. Like I said, there will be some more blogs to come. n

ight y'all!

bonnie

p.s. Sorry there are no pictures of Jeremy Jr. today. He spent most of the day sleeping (slacker!) and whining about having to pee due to all the sweet tea! Hehe! But he says HI!

Day Four

Morning all!

Sorry I didn't post this last night, but I totally crashed when I got to mom's. Then ended up going out with my mom, my brother and his girlfriend. It was awesome, but it was after 2pm when we got home! It's ok, though, since my body has no idea what time it is anyway!

The last leg of the trip was great! It was a little shorter and only took me a total of 10 hours including stops! But the best part was... most of is was in the mountains. Once you get to Nashville, you're in the Smokies and that was all I needed to feel at home! I'm really not sure why I left this place. It's truly the only place in the entire world that speaks directly to my soul. I'm hoping to get out and take some pictures over the next few days so keep a look out.

The second best part of this leg was once again, lunch. :-) Yes, I stopped at Cracker Barrel again, but I didn't eat the EXACT same thing! Hehe! I think it'll take me a while to get my fill of country cooking again. I got a few looks when I pulled out my camera at the table and started snapping pictures of my sweet tea glass (see below). But people were really nice. One guy even asked me what type of camera I had. I've learned that I actually enjoy eating alone. I've always hated eating at sit down restaurants alone because I get so bored with no one to talk with, but it was so nice to be able to sit down with my camera and my note book and work on a few things.

Well, I think I'm going to take a nap. I feel like I've only had a few days off here and there since I started working weekends in November, so this feels really good. I'll talk with you all soon.

bye,
bonnie