Moving Back

Returning to the East Coast has brought up a lot of thoughts and fears for this already over analytical girl! It's all revolving around the concept of "moving back". For quite some time now, I've considered my decision to move to the West Coast as one of the best of my life. It afforded me a vacuum... a place free of expectations to hear the sound of my inner voice. Most of my life has been spent listening to the voices of my parents, friends, religious leaders, significant others and any and every one else. I had never learned to recognize the sound of my inner voice. Over the last 2 years, I have gained a deeper understanding of myself, my interest, my core beliefs, everything from my tastes in clothes and music to my fundamental spiritual thoughts. I've proven to myself that I can make it on my own. I left an unproductive marriage, found a job I was good at, forged what I think will be lasting friendships, and created a life for myself that I not only enjoyed but was extremely proud of.

Now as i sit in a Cracker Barrel in Oklahoma City, OK, I wonder if it's possible to move back without moving back-WARD. Can I learn to hear the sound of my inner voice amongst so many other voices? My fear is living somewhere that I'm known as "the (fill in the blank)" ... the dancer, the christian girl, the good child, the hippy... Can I be the person I've become in the face of those preconceived ideas? I guess we'll find out.

And now as I sit in a Cracker Barrel in Nashville, TN, I realize that there is a flip side to this dilemma as well. I fear that in an effort to not let go of myself, that I will refuse to change and stifle the natural evolution of life. I don't want to hold so tightly to the person I am right now that I miss out on the person I can become. At the risk of sounding cliche... Life is a journey, not a destination. And although I'm significantly happier with where I'm at right now then I've ever been, that doesn't mean I still want to be here in 5, 10 or 15 years.

Maybe the key is in the wording. Maybe I should look at it less as moving "back" and more as moving "forward". Even though in January I'll be back in Charlotte, where I spent most of the hardest years of my life, living spitting distance from many people who believe they "know" me, doesn't mean I have to move backward in my journey. I'm a completely different person now than I was then. There is truly no way for me to go back to being that person.

And just because people have expectations of me doesn't mean I have to live up to them, nor do I need to do things that fly in the face of them just to prove my independence. The next step in my journey will be learning to live ABOVE the expectations of others. For instance, not refraining from getting any more tattoos for fear of disappointing people but at the same time not getting any new ones simply to prove that I can.

It all goes back to that inner voice. Thankfully, I will be living with someone who understands these fears. He has reassured me that he loves me, for instance, for how passionate I am about things, not for the passions themselves as those change over the years. He loves me for the woman I was at 17 when he met me, for the woman I am now 10 years later, and the woman I will become over the lifetime we will spend together.

I hope that I can not only hold onto and encourage my own inner voice, but his as well... to not hold onto the man he is right now at the expense of the man he can become for once again...

Life is a journey, not a destination.

Thanks y'all!
bonnie

My Latest Diatribe

Most of my friends and especially my mom are familiar with my infamous diatribes. They usually consist of topics like non-pedestrian oriented shopping center parking lots whose lack of side walks force you to DRIVE the 1/4 mile or less from one end to the other! ARGH! Or people's complete inability to push the button at a cross walk!

But today I have a new one... people on a long strip of open road who do not understand the concept of CRUISE CONTROL! I'm obsessive about my cruise control (especially after getting a ticket on Sunday!) I pay close attention to the signs and lock in my cruise at 4 miles an hour over or less. So then what happens is I steadily come up on a car going slower than I am. I smoothly pull into the passing lane and as soon as I get to them they wake up from their monotony induced coma and speed up to the EXACT speed I'm going. So, I figured I'll up my cruise a few miles an hour and get around them, but they continue to accelerate to keep up with me, as if they are some competitive 3 year old who can't let anyone pass them for fear of "losing". So, in order to keep from hanging beside them for the remainder of the trip I'm forced to slow down and let them pass ME in the right lane! Since they've officially annoyed me, I make sure I put plenty of distance between us before I resume my chosen speed.

Doesn't sound THAT annoying, right? I know what you're thinking... "There she goes again! She's such an OCD pain in the ass!!!" And I would be inclined to agree with you if the entire scene didn't repeat itself every 1/2 an hour to an hour with the EXACT SAME CAR!!!! ARGH!!!!

Have I ever mentioned that people drive me NUTS!!!!!

bye y'all!

bonnie

Day One

Well, I'm officially on the road! Yesterday totally bit (except for breakfast with my girls at the good old BBC which was awesome!) But then again, moving day always does I guess. It's always takes me like 5 hours longer than I think it's going to take me. I thought I could get everything done and be out of Long Beach by approximately 2pm. At 7:30... I finally pulled out!!! My car is packed to the brim, and I think my apartment was fairly clean. (We'll see when and if I get my deposit back) and I'm on the road to be with the love of my life! Hopefully today will be better. I ended up getting my first speeding ticket EVER! Oops! Oh well! And thought I was NEVER going to get to Flagstaff, but at 3:30am, I pulled into my hotel and finally crawled into bed. How come, you can be falling asleep at the wheel but then as soon as you hit the bed you're freaking WIDE AWAKE! Oh well!!! I'm getting ready to get on the road again. I don't want to do any more late nights like that. So I'll update you guys later today or tomorrow morning!

bye,
bonnie

Day Two

So today was significantly better than yesterday! I'm a little sore from moving and my back hurts from sitting in the car all day but on the whole it was a great day! It started out by walking out of my hotel in flagstaff to the beautiful site of pine trees! I felt like I was home already! I know everyone raves about living at the beach and the palm trees and such but, I'll take a good ol' pine any day!!!



Then I surveyed my car and massaged the packing in order the elevate any thing that had caused cursing the night before! Hehe! (Note: I never curse!) My car has become a life size jig saw puzzle! I have to make sure and take as little out as possible at my mom's otherwise I'll never get in all back in there!




Then Jeremy Jr, started getting antzy and begging to get on the road! He stayed in the car the night before since it was so late. ;-)



So we headed out.



That's when I remembered how much I enjoy driving, and specifically how much I enjoy driving alone. It is one of the only times when I really have time to think! No one is asking anything of me, there are no expectations on me (other than staying in the lines and under the speed limit, which I was anal about the whole day! I used my cruise control probably 90% of the day!!) The weather was beautiful! Blue skies, puffy white clouds, and hardly any cars on the road the vast majority of the time.We stopped a few times for gas and drinks/food, but pretty much drove straight there. Here we're stopping for some much needed liquid. The red bull is mine. I promise there's no Jager slipped in there though! Jeremy Jr. had a good eye on me!



It sprinkled rain just a few times and just enough to remind me of how much I love the smell of rain! I've missed it so much. So... 10 hours later, we pulled into Amarillo, TX and are now safely tucked in for the night. I thought I would be afraid coming in and out of hotels alone, but I haven't had any problems. Maybe it's just that left over invensible teenager attitude I tend to have. :-)So, tomorrow is another long day! We'll leave here and drive approximately 10 hours again to Memphis, TN. But after that we're almost there. We'll hopefully pull into Asheville on Wednesday. Well, I'd better go and get some rest. We lost two whole hours today so tomorrow may be hard. But it doesn't matter because I'm on the way to be with the love of my life!

Thanks y'all

bonnie

WOOOOHOOOOO!

Excerpt from Navy Times Article



Nimitz home last weekend before going to Gulf


By Gidget Fuentes - Staff writer
Posted : Monday Apr 2, 2007 6:37:12 EDT

SAN DIEGO – More than 6,000 sailors are spending their last weekend at home before the aircraft carrier Nimitz leaves its San Diego pier Monday on a course for the Persian Gulf.

Nimitz, a nuclear-powered carrier based at North Island Naval Air Station in Coronado, Calif., will replace the Norfolk, Va.-based Eisenhower and its carrier strike group and join the John C. Stennis carrier strike group in the Persian Gulf and Horn of Africa regions.


**********************************

This is increadible news!!! It means that the guys will be heading home soon!!! Wooo Hoooo!!!! OMG!!! I can't believe that this is actually going to happen!! I leave Cali 4 weeks from yesterday! So, I only I have 3 weeks and 6 days left!!! YAY!!!!

I GOT A PICTURE!

I GOT A PICTURE!!!! After 6 1/2 months of being away from the love of my life, I finally have a new picture! And he looks SOOOO good! I forget how hot he is!!! ;-) Not too much longer now!!! I was going to write more but I'm exhausted. I wanted to share though. Peace out y'all! hehe!

bonnie

I Have Peaches on My Phone...and...Happy New Year!

Hello eveyone! I hope you all had a wonderful New Years celebration. I had a very interesting new years and I thought I'd share. I've been meaning to blog about my experiences working with a domestic violence shelter as well, and since I spent new years at the shelter I'll be able to kill two birds with one stone.

So, I've been volunteering with a domestic violence shelter since the beginning of 2006 doing child care. When Jay left on deployment I found myself very sad on the weekends and started looking for something to keep me busy. Well, come to find out the shelter was looking for Resident Care Managers (aka dorm mothers) :-) to work on the weekends. So about the first of November I started working Saturday and Sunday mornings 7:30am to 4:00pm.

I'll be truthful. It took me a few weeks to adjust to working 7 days a week. But now I'm totally in the groove and experience very few problems with the schedule. Sometimes I get tired but I try my hardest not to complain since it is my choice to work this much and I know that having all that time to think about how much I miss Jay would be way harder! This weekend was especially wonderful. Some of the full time staff wanted some time off and were granted that time off before replacements were found to cover their shifts. So, I picked up two extra shifts over the three day weekend and worked both the morning of New Years Eve as well as the overnight.

I love my job! Saturday afternoon I had been watching one of my kids so his mom could get some rest. He is just facinated with my phone and could open and close it for hours. (note: if I have your cell number and you get a strange call on the weekend and no ones there but you hear me saying, "no honey lets not call anyone!" now you'll know what's going on.) ;-) He loves the way it lights up when he opens it. So at one point I reached up to grab my phone and it was all sticky and covered in that syrup that canned peaches come in. I knew exactly what had happened since it was also in my hair on all over me. The funniest part is... it couldn't have made me more happy. I love these kids! I love these women! I feel so privlidged to be a part of their lives. And going home at night knowing I've played a small role in their recovery is nothing short of addictive! I've been friends with people throughout my lifetime that were survivors of domestive violence. I think of them each and every day that I'm there. I try to be the person I would have wanted them to have in their life. Someone who would do everything they can to help this woman and her family. Someone who will help them see their potention, who will hold up a mirror for them on their blackest days and say, "but look how much you've accomplished! Look at the life you are creating for youself and your children!" Which brings me to New Years.

At first I was thinking that there would be a big "ball dropping watching party" in the TV room, but most of the kids are fairly young and had already knocked out when I got there at 11pm (how I was even awake at that time of night was a miracle due only to a heavy dose of caffee). The mom's were still awake but I hadn't realized that watching the ball drop in NYC on a three hour tape delay is kind of...well...not as exciting as watching it live. So, no one was really up for that. By 11:45pm I was in the RCM office with the door closed because I didn't think anything was going on. Being the life of the party that I am, I had an old Sex in the City re-run on while I was tallying some stat sheets. I actually didn't even notice when the year rolled over until someone knocked on the door. It was one of my ladies and she was simply there to wish me a happy new year.

I almost cried! I got up from my chair and we hugged. At which point I realized that almost all of the women were standing outside the door. We all hugged and wished each other a happy new year. I told them that I hoped that this would be the best year yet! And they all agreed they were glad to see 2006 go! I had most definitely not expected to feel this way, but at that moment (with my guy being on deployment) there was nowhere else I'd have rather been.

And at that moment I realized how glad I was to see 2006 go. 2007 will absolutely turn out to be the best year yet, but it's only due to the fact that 2006 was the hardest of my life. It was so nice to have what almost felt like closure. The bad times in my life are over. The years of having jobs I hated, not enough money to survive and an unfulfilling, unsupportive relationship are OVER! I know have a career passion in life and the determination to see it come to be... I'm at a place where I can make enough money to live on, as well as learned how to live within my means (more or less) :-)... I have learned enough about myself to have identified who my soulmate is... and I truly believe that together we can make this relationship work.

My new years wish for each of you is to have the wisdom and vision to know what you need to do in order to be truly happy, and the strength and courage to then make it happen.

2007...I'm so glad you're here! Cheers, to the best year yet!

bonnie